Depression Community

I'm glad your interview sounds promising, that's good news! You sound a little more positive than you were while you were doing that training, and I'm glad about that. I hope that you can keep your chin up and that very soon you can find some work that will be fulfilling to you.
You're not a failure, and you're not a disappointment. Sometimes people say insensitive things (like the person at your church) but what they say does not have to define you. And just because someone says something does not make it true. You can do it!

dear alaska-Mommy,

Good Afternoon.

Thank you for replying back to me. How are you doing and are you having a nice day?

I just hope that I get selected for one of the positions that i interviewed for today as this is my last hope since I screwed up so such much last week and this week regarding my job decisions. How could I have been so stupid to make the choices that i did, as now I do not have any job.

I am now starting to somewhat panic regarding the mess that i have made of my job situation and can feel the depression starting once again.

now i am so worried and scared about what the future holds as I may never find another job ever again then i dont know what i am going to do..

Yes i am a failure and disappointment to myself and others and I am sitting here about ready to cry.

The emails that i have been sending to the person at church have now been very brief and I am not discussing my personal issues with this person anymore so that they can't critize and put me down. as i do enough of that to myself already..

I have been applying to a few jobs yesterday and today.

I just can never forgive myself for the decisions that i made about the jobs that cost me so much. But I have no one to blame but myself. What a fool i am.

I am not a very religious person however for a while now I have ben going to church with my husband on Saturday evening and during the week although this week i have not gone at all and I stopped praying to God as i really belive that he is done helping me anymore since he has given me a few chances with jobs that i have made a mess of, I just feel like he has deserted me.

I don't even want to go to church anymore as I don't want to see the few people who know what a mess I have amde of the job situation.

i am just so upset with myself and I know if i don't get that job that
I don't think that i can go on much longer.

I really need to stop being so hard on myself, but I know that there are people out there who cannot find jobs that have been unemployed for so long and I get two job offers turn one down and take the other which didn't work out.

Just what is wrong with me that i can't even keep a job am i too picky scared of starting again or learning somethig new, i tthink this is why I would like the customer service job so much as it is something that i have done in the past 4 years and it is in my comfort zone which at this point in my life I don't want to get out of.

I just need once again to stop feeling worthless since I don't have a job.

I stay in the house all day on the computer as it helps me not to have to think about other issues.

My husband usually is home by now, but he had to work a little later, I can't wait for the company as it get lonely all day.

Thank goodness there are people on this site that i can talk to otherwise it would be even worse.

I just don't know where to turn anymore as I am sounahhpy and hate my life so much.

Thank you for your care and concern.

Sue

Sue, I'm sorry you're still so overwrought about this, you do need to forgive yourself for past decisions you have made that didn't turn out so well. Because, just like the rest of us, you are human. We all make mistakes. Also I think you need to try to rethink your "one false move" mentality...the thought that if you make one mistake that everything will come crashing down around you. True, there are some choices that can have big consequences, but most of our day-to-day choices are not that dire. Try to give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself. I hope you can begin to love yourself and that you can get to a place where your life feels fulfilling and rewarding.

hello, sue --

i was going to offer my own opinion, but A has said everything i would have said.

when is your next apptmt with your therapist? can you call his/her office and schedule it sooner? i think it would help you a lot to talk with someone who knows you and with whom you have already begun sorting out your feelings about a job in particular and your life in general. i also think it would be a good idea to ask your therapist to refer you to a psychiatrist who can evaluate whether a short course of antidepressants might help right now.

i know that you are "worried and scared" that you "may never find another job ever again," but you are not thinking straight right now because of your anxiety. there are many jobs in the world; you are simply not being realistic when you say that your interview today was your "last hope." indeed, your own experience should tell you that, at the very least, your chances are better than not that you will find another job, because you had one before you applied for either the call center job or the hosp job, you had one before that, and you have had two job offers already in this go-round.

i am very concerned that you say that you have no reason for living if you don't get a job. you know in your secret heart of hearts that this is not true. you yourself say that you need "to stop feeling worthless since you don't have a job." you are absolutely right; whether or not you have a job is not a measure of your worth as a person.

well, i see that despite my earlier comment that i would not give my opinion because A has already covered everything i would say, i gave my opinion anyway! this is my signal that it is time for me to go to bed!

i send you many caring thoughts and hope you can get some rest tonight and tomorrow. everyone here is thinking about you; please keep us posted on what is happening.

-- susie margaret

Dear Susie-Margaret,

Good morning. i had to force myself to get up and get going this morning as the deep depression is starting to take over once again.

I did not see your post until this morning.

Once again thank you for your care and concern.

I am just so worried about everything and filled with so much anxiety despair and selfloathing, that i can't even stand myself anymore.

I am taking St John Wort at the moment and don't want to see my counselor at all since she knew about the two jobs and when i tell her that I now have no job I just wonder what she will think of me and I can't deal with that at this time.

I am very serious when i say that I will never find another job again as I feel that i don't have any more chances left. I see no hope for the future.

I am so worried about the present and future and I dwell on the past as well and I know that i can't bring it back but for me its not easy to,let go, I know that i have to move forward but i can't seem to do that.

I have 14 unemployment payments due me yet and then when they run out and I don't have ajob then I will realll don't know what I will then do, I will have to go out and find any type of job just to have some additional income or esle we will have to tae some money from are 401 K, if i was going to be 62 I could take early retirement and draw on my Social security even though I would get a lesser benefit and they maybe find part time temp work, but in december I am only going to be 61 so that won't work.

Why didn't I ake the right choice about the job, as if i had taken the call center job then I would be working right now and everything would be fine.

I am so hoping to getone of the 8 customer service positions that i interviewed for yesterday but you nenver know and I won't hear until next week and if i don't get offered one of those positions
I am going to be devestated. I do have another interview next Tuesday. All i can do is keeep on going and try ing although it is not easy to do..

I know that i shouldn't feel like all of my self worth is in a job but i do and its not easy to let that go.

I am so embarassed over this whole sotuation that i am glad that my daughter does not live at home anymore so therefore she does not know what has been happening with me.

Also the few people at church who knew of my situation again embarassed and foolish and I told my husband that i am going to find another church as i cannot face these people anymore. I also wonder the neighbors think because i am home all day and used to work.

Another day of being by myself and lonely since my husband is at work i have a few things to do around the house to keep my self busy as well as staying on the computer all day looking for another job.

My husband is so supportive of me but I know that he is worried about my job situation as well even though he doesn't say anything about it, i still feel guitly because he is working all day and I am home and i feel lazy and selfish, because it greatly bothers me.

if I knew that we would be okay on one salary after my unemployment runs out I wouldn't be so worried but like i stated before it would be tough even though there is no house payment or credit card debt to deal with. I just would like to work part time.
Does not having a job make me lazy and worthless, it seems to be the norm today for women to work and its expected so if ytour not working people wonder what is wrong with you.

I don't want to be depressed over the weekend but its hard not to and my dad is coming over on Sunday for fathers Day for dinner and I so want to enjoy myself.

I am going to go job hunt on the computer now.

I just hope that i can get through the day. I just can't stand my life anymore as i am so unhappy due to my own fault by making the wrong choices in lifeand don't know what is going to happen and maybe i don't care anymore and want to end it all so i don't have to deal with any of this anymore.

I do hope that you have agood day.

Sue

Dear Alaska-Mommy,

Good morning. Once again thank you for your concern and caring.

I cannot ever forgive myself for what i have done as this was more than a mistake it was my life. I know that we are all human and make mistakes but I know that I will never find work ever again

My choice did have big consequences and now i am paying the price both emotionally and financially, and i am the one that has to live with this decision and my mental health and self worth are being destroyed as well.

I feel like I cannot go on and don't know where to turn anymore.

Took a chance on a job that didn't work and if I had taken the other job i would be working right now .

So now here i sit with nothing anymore no hope no happiness.

I probably won't get one of the several positions that i interviewed for yesterday even though i would like one as when I had first interviewed with the HR person he said that after the interview they may show me around the dept which didn't happen so i don't know if they don't show people around, were too busy to do so or weren't interested, my husband says that i read too much into everything.

So now my next hope is the interview on Tuesday, as this company had originally called me to interview and then i told them that I had gotten a position well i called them back yesterday to say the position had fallen through and could i still intervciew so they are going to see me.

My husband is so supportive but i know that he is worried that i won't find another job as well.

I am so glad that my daughter doesn't live at home anymore since I am so embarassed about this matter so that she doesn't have to know about this. This way she doesn't know what a failure her mother is.

I also am so embarassed and feel like a fool as a few people from church knew about my situation and I have to find another church as i am too embarassed to face them anymore. i also wonder what the neighbors think because i am home.

I am so lonely as my husband is at work and I am home by myself, i have a few thing to do around the house but mainly I will be on the computer all day today looking for a job.

I am just so unhappy over my choices and am beginning to feel like this is the end of me

if I could just stop feeling like nothing without a job that is what is causing so much of mt distress but I just cant do that.

i feel worthless and lazy like i am not contributing anything since I dont have a job. I can't deal with this anymore.

I feel guitly for being home whle my husband works even though he says it doesn't bother him.

I just wish I knew that everynting would be all right, if we could get by on one paycheck I won't worry so much but it would be hard to do so, I have 14 weeks of unemployemnt left and then I don't know what will happen.

I just can't think straight anymore and will never be happy or feel good about myself again.

I am just so distressed. if things don't work out for me then i don't want to go on living anymore.

Sue

downfall ,

I haven't said much but have been watching your posts and conversations with others.

1. You have to learn to forgive yourself, before you can learn to forgive others. It's tough and requires a lot of introspection. Yes you may have made a mistake, but then again you won't know that for a while. Is there a field of Roses or a field of thorns over the next hill. I think it's both.

2. Self image and image through work. I work therefore I have value, worth, what a falsehood. You have done things in the past which add or distract from your self image and work is a big factor. If you have ever done a random act of kindness for a strange you have far more worth than the person which has gone to work like an ant and never did anything kind for a stranger.

3. Will everything be alright? Wanting to know the un-known. You wake up each day with a clean slate, can't change yesterday. You can try to make today better than yesterday, but you can't go back. Your choice. Where do you want to live - yesterday or today. Give up the baggage, it will lighten the load. (Still working on mine.)

4. You know what you want to do - keep working on it.

5. Not wanting to live. Makes it much tougher to do the things you do want to do. It seems when we are in that mind set, we project it to others. It makes them nervous and they don't know why. They just don't feel comfortable making positive decisions about us. They can't even put their fingers on it. But it's there.

So what you going to do, little frog, sit and croak or jump from pad to pad. I would suggest continuing to jump.

Dear demons 2011,

Good Afternoon.

You have made some very excellent points.

1. In my thinking hill of thorns no roses for me ever.

2. Work is a big factor in my life, I guess that i almost always worked so I feel like nothing without a job. I have done acts of kindness for others.

3. i do want to liver in the here and now but its so hard to do , always want to revisit the past, however giving up the baggage is not easy at all so this is going to take time. I just don't think that everything will ever be allright again.

4. I don;t know if i know what I want to do, just what i have to do

5. not wanting to live as what is there to live for , being critized by others for the wrong decision that I made, feeling foolish and embarassed about it as if I had chosen correctly I would be working today, feeling guitly, afraid, anxious, hopeless desolate worthless and a failure that about sums it up for me , nothing to look forward to, don't think that i can keep jumping, as life has worn me down and beaten me up and all I think are negative thoughts nothing positive at all.

Good thing it is the weekend so my husband will be home with me so I won't be son lonely, but the Monday comes again and another week of not knowing.

How do other people get past their wrong decisions/ mistakes in life?

Sue

Sue

Glad you're thinking!
1. Every hill of Roses has many thorns as well. So we get both. Beauty and the Beast so to speak.
2. Understand the work image, it is really hard to overcome. I had so much of self wrapped up in the image - I forgot to be human at times. Just a work machine.
3. Baggage is all ways the hardest, I think - those damned what if's. They do bring us down - all ways thinking about the negative results. What were the positive ones? The good things we did day to day? Why don't we focus on those? Wish I knew that answer.
4. At this point in life it's a harsh reality, but we won't be going back to the things we loved. Time has moved on. Try to find something that you still enjoy doing, not just doing.
5. Beaten, Battered and Bloody. Strangely enough we are still standing. We should be in the ground - after the whoa's of life. But we are standing. We are stronger than we think.

Lots of warm hugs coming your way!

Dear demons 2011,

Good Evening

So what may i ask is your story for being here?

Thanks for your recent response.

Too many thorns no roses right now

The reality is that I keep dweliing on the past and the what if's and that is part of my problem as I can't get past this issue and so everything is negative cannot focus on anything that is positive in my life because I feel since t really messed up job offer vs job offer and taking the wrong one that turned out not to be for me has really just destroyed me. if I had taken the other job offer I would have a job and be working now.

I cant enjoy doing anything right now in my life as I am just consumed with the job issue and try as I may to put it in the back of mind I cant let go of it. Its like a record that keeps skipping.

I am worn and beaten down and am barely making it can't go on much more like this no joy in life.

I cant afford counseling/meds right now as I do not have any health insurance and many times conseling doesn't help so why pay someone to,listen and then tell you shouldnt feel that way and then when you leave there feel the same way when you first came in.

I just want people to stop critizing and judging me as well as it doesnt help my situation. I know I made the wrong decision i don't need others to tell me that as well.

I am sitting here crying as I type this.

I want to try and have a nice weekend especially since it is fathers day but its going to be hard to do. too much on my mind
and then once again monday comes and i am by myself all day so i spend almost all of my day on the computer.

The only hppe that i have is that the job interview that i had yeasterday for customer service that needs to hire 8 people I hope that I am hired for one psoition will know nsometime next week, also have an interview on Tuesday so maybe something good will happen but I doubt it.

I feel God has given me chances in the past and look what happened and now he is saying that i am through with you and i am not helping you anymore you are on your own.

I am here all by myself this evening as my husband is out with his brother.

So I thought i would come up here and chat since I don't have anyone else to talk to.

i guess the real reason that i am so obsessed over a job is that when my unemployment runs out in about 14 weeks that I wont have a job and then I worry about getting by on my husbands salary alone even though no house payment or credit card debt. if I wasn't so worried about that issue then it wouldn't be such a factor in my life, even working part time would be fine with me but financially don't know if we could manage.

Just nothing to look forward to in my life, no hope at all anymore.

Sue

hello, sue --

i am sorry you are still so distressed by the events of last week and earlier this week. i can tell that this whole situation has affected you very deeply.

i'm not going to tell you that you are reacting way out of proportion, because who am i to say what proportions are appropriate for which events in anyone's life except my own? but i will offer my opinion that at this point your time and energy might be more constructively spent in looking forward than in dwelling on the past.

what's done is done. you cannot make it be un-done. people will say/think whatever they say/think; you cannot control that. now it is time to move on, and you know this. you yourself acknowledge that --

-- "it's ... hard for you not to look back and regret the past ... even though you know that it does no good."

-- "you know that you shouldn't live in the past and have to move on."

-- "all you can do is keep going and trying."

listen to your own advice! i'm sure it is exactly what you would say to someone else who came to you for counsel, and if it's good advice for someone else, it's good advice for you as well.


-- TRIGGER -- TRIGGER -- TRIGGER --

i am still very concerned about your statements that if you don't get the job you interviewed for today or the job you will interview for next week, or the one after that, or the one after that, somehow your life might as well be over and that you will be tempted to act on that thought.

first of all, that is only a thought; you do not have to act on it. you can acknowledge it, then let it go.

second, and i feel quite comfortable saying this, ending your life because you did not get a job is a reaction that is way out of proportion.

third, your ending your life would have a catastrophic effect on those around you, particularly your husband, your daughter, and your father. from posts that others have made here, some people never get over the suicide of another.

fourth, you already have a relationship with a therapist. she is not going to laugh at you because you turned down one job and then a second one didn't work out. she will be sympathetic. besides, you do not see her in order to get her approval; you see her in order to get some objective feedback and some guidance on how well you are coping with the stresses in your life and on what steps you might take to mitigate those stresses. please either call her first thing on monday or go over to see her

please try to set your worries aside for the weekend and just enjoy being with the two fathers in your life (your own father and your husband). you have many talents to share with others, but monday is soon enough to start re-assessing the best uses for them.

i send you caring thoughts and hope you will get some rest this weekend.

-- susie margaret

Dear Susie-Margaret,

Good morning.

Just read your post now as i wasn't on the computer last night as I needed a break from being on all day.

Once again thank you for your wisdom and help..

it took everything I had to get up and get going this morning as I jst wanted to stay in bed.

It is the weekend and it helps that my husband is home less lonely, although he says that he is supportive I know that he is very angry with me about how the job situation turned out but he doesn't say anything.

I know that i can't bring the past back need to move forward but its so very difficult for me to do. So worried I will not find another job and i really think that is due to our finances and not being able to make it on one salary if so I don't think that this would be such
an issue if this was not the case.

Want the past back so that i can do everythig differently, too late for that.
if i hadn't made the wrong decision I would have a job by now and everything would be fine and would be back to some sense of normalcy.

I am going to try and have a nice weekend but its going to be difficult due to worry about next week and come Monday it will start all over again.

i will really try to take all that you have said and apply it , but its hard for me even though what you are saying is all very true.

I can still feel the anxiety coming upon me but i need to push it back and get busy around the house and try not to think about any of this which I know isnt going to happen.

I mean it I don'tknow what i am going to do if another job opportunity doesn't come my way.

Thank you for your care and concern.

Sue

Hi downfall, just want to say I have been following your posts, I have just been doing it quietly for the past bit.
I know it is easy for me to say and I know others have said it to you, but what was said, done last week is in last week, you really need to give yourself a break and move on from it.

Yes you feel it was a bad decision, yes you think it will effect everything from here on in and possibly those are realistic thoughts but it doesn't change that they have happened and that you still have to move forward.
I also just want to say, even if it is true, which I really do not believe, that everyone around you is judging you on those decisions, again there is nothing that can be done with it, so they would also have to move on. But again, I don't think they are thinking that.

I hope with all my heart that you allow yourself to move forward, await the results of the last interview and prepare for the next one with an appropriate amount of anxiety and manage to get some rest and enjoy the weekend at home with your husband

Sending airmail hugs to you
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