Depression Community

Chez - Ouch - thanks for sharing, I know it's not easy. Certainly can see you wanting to be yourself. It's not easy carrying that facade for that long. We are here for you, angry, unhappy/happy old self/or the real self. Just glad to hear your OK, and sounding a bit better. Perhaps a little stronger.

I would say, even if you don't like the real you, at least you're real. And the real you, if you make changes, they will be lasting changes that you will be able to take to heart, whereas if you make changes to your fake persona they will just be fake changes. Does that make any sense? Better to work on a real, breathing, living human being than a false front or a mask. That "self" will not last and will not be there when all is stripped away.
Something I wanted to ask, it almost sounded like you were taking your meds in anticipation of the abdominal cramps and other discomforts. Did you mean that or did I take it the wrong way? I wondered if it was part of your sh. Just out of curiosity.

We really want you, Chez, not some facade that you have to put on, not a charade or a costume party. Being real is so refreshing, even if it is painful for you or for your loved ones right now. Remember, any work you do on the real you will have a lasting impact in your life. Thanks for talking to us candidly and I hope this can be a starting point for you to begin to be the real you that you want to be. Becoming aware of the problem is half the battle, so you're already halfway there! ~Hugs, Chez~

Thank you D, need the support right now
Hope all is ok with you
hugs
x

hi a-mom, thank you for your response, it is always good to know you are all out there. The taking of meds is indeed part of sh, it is increasing, others worry about this, me less so.
Take care of you and hugs

Hi Chez, yes we are always here for you, anytime you need to reach out you know you can. I'm sorry you feel the urge to sh more, it always makes me sad when people feel they are worthless to the point that punishing their bodies makes them feel better. Are the meds ones that you have been prescribed? Are they ones you need to take outside of being part of sh? Even if you think those symptoms/side effects are not a big deal, pain is a way for your body to tell you there is something wrong. I hope you will start to respect it's voice, asking you to listen and love it again. I know too that those kind of behaviors are almost like a cry for help. Will you let others help you, Chez? I hope so, you are someone who is worth investing time and resources in to help make you whole again. Don't give up, and know you can talk to us any time without judgement. Hugs as always!

hi a-mom, thank you again. Just a couple of things from you have written, I do use sh and meds to punish, not sure it is because I feel worthless though, more because I am horrible and need to be reminded of such. The pain I inflict reminds me of this. I really do not like the person that I have learnt I am and in honesty would prefer not to continue to be me, so yes I do here the voice saying its sore but it is giving me the right message.
Sh = cry for help, not sure that is necessarily true, I do believe it is about knowing myself and cope/deal with who i am.
Thank you for saying about being worth investing time and resources but those are for people who are unwell and need support to get them through, where I am now is not unwell, simply at a realisation that I have lived a pretence for a very long time and now going to have to live as who i am.
hugs to you
x

Hey Chez,
If you are is indeed " the one who is not nice, the one who is self indulgent, the one who has lied to and in turn hurt all around her"...is that person willing to change or do you think she is doomed to stay not nice, self-indulgent, a liar and a person who hurts others?
Just wondering.
From your BNWF

hey myrain, I dont have the answer. I am completely lost. Not too long ago I was on the phone to a friend who had to hang up as she didn't want to hear and couldn't cope with what I was saying. I get it, it is difficult for people to understand why I feel the way I do, but at the same time, I find it very difficult to understand where the problem is. I am just trying to follow a natural progression, everyone here talks about how hard it is to put on a happy face at home, work and with friends etc... but now that I have challenged that thought, admittedly to the extreme, then I am in the wrong!! I dont understand.
What I do know is I do not like telling lies, avoiding friends, not being competent to work, hurting and and worrying friends and others. I do not being self indulgent and thoughtless of others - if this is my life and this is what it is going to be then I am not willing to go on

hello, C --

i am so sorry you've been going thru such heartache lately. i can tell you are in great pain.

i don't happen to agree that you are "not nice," "self-indulgent," one "who has lied to and in turn hurt all around her." the reason i don't agree is because i find it improbable that you are all of those things and yet manage to give the wise and compassionate advice that you do, to people who are suffering terribly and write here.

nonetheless, for right now i'll assume that you are that disgusting person and no longer want to live as either that person or the person who has falsely presented herself as "happy-go-lucky, the life and soul of social events, an effective contributor at work, known to be a good mum, wife, etc." so where does that leave you?


TRIGGER -- TRIGGER -- TRIGGER --

i don't think it leaves you with no other choices in terms of how to live your life except to die or to punish yourself continually to remind you of how horrible you are. with the way you are thinking right now, you don't need any reminder; your opinion of yourself pervades your every thought, your every word, your every act.

i think it leaves you wanting to change and in fact willing to change but uncertain what to do to effect change. and that is where your dr, and your therapist, and your friend -- and yes, we -- come into the picture. you can trust all of these people; they have your best interests at heart. they are willing to work with you to discover how you truly want to live, what kind of person you truly want to be.

this is no overnight process, and it is a process -- not a therapy one-night stand, so to speak. but think of all the effort you've put into presenting yourself all these years as a person you believe you are not; it can't be any harder than that!

you are not thinking straight, C. i know you believe that you are and that you have few options, but those things are just not true. it is not a foregone conclusion that "this is your life and this is what it is going to be," and therefore it is not a foregone conclusion that there is no point in going on. it is your depression that is causing you to think these things; they are not the truth.

i acknowledge that i have probably made you angry. i hope i haven't, but if i have, i am genuinely sorry. however, i believe that your pain is affecting your ability to see things as they really are, to see yourself without distortion.

i send you caring thoughts, and hugs, and the hope for peace in the night.

-- susie margaret

Hi SM, thank you for your response, so well written and makes so much sense when reading it as someone else!
Just to say you have not made me angry,I am angry but at myself and very confused. If I am not thinking straight then what the h**l is happening.
I have stayed away from sh over this weekend as it has been my sons birthday and I have had to be on the ball to be with him and enjoy his weekend, prior to this morning, I could not see past this evening, not sure what I was planning, additional meds, o/d, excessive sh, but I can now say I know I will survive tonight, I want to be here tomorrow, I want to see if I am wrong in my thinking. So I have no non-prescribed medication in the house and will not buy any throughout the day so I know I can not do any permanent damage to myself.
I am not sure if any of this makes sense, I have pretty much just typed as I have thought.
Thank you again for being there/here
Chez x

just sitting here, first and probably only quiet five minutes of the day and thinking about words.
pain, hurting, warped, self-indulgent, liar, heart broken, depression, well, worthless, insightful, caring, trigger etc, these words and many more are constantly floating about in my head, really no break even when active, worse come to mind when quiet and on my own.
the main word of the moment is scary, scared. i am today so scared of myself, i know i have worried and thought badly before but oh me, this is hard. where, how, when do i move forward, that is if forward is evev possible.
my head hurts, my body hurts and i am hurting and i have no where to go to feel better

Chez, sorry you're hurting so. I think we all wish we had that one thought to grasp onto when the pain is this harsh. I only know one, I don't know if it is enough. Care - we care about you, we know you're twisting as if some one had pushed hooks into you and suspended you in the air. I wish I could help lift you down and let you rest and heal. I wish we could hold you and let the pains pass out of you. It's seems you're at the bottom of the barrel right now and maybe that's where you can start to pull your self up to the hands that are reaching down to help you up.

Chez, I don't have any profound words to say, only I am here, and I care about you. I hope very soon the darkness lifts and you can begin to see the light.

Thank you all again,
it has been a very long night, but sure I knew it was going to be.
I have gone from "knowing myself" to looking from the outside and thinking who are you, you know like looking in the mirror, then the next minute the realisation of "oh it is me", this is who I am.
It is going to be along process to slow all of these thoughts down, try and make some sense of them and stop everything hurting, here's hoping I have the energy and ability to ride it out.