Depression Community

Hi anon.
I am sorry for the situation you are in and more sorry that I do not really have an answer for you but wanted to post to let you know that I am hearing your pain and want you to know that you will get support from that here and I am sure there will be people with similar experiences as you who will be able to answer some of your questions.
Please keep posting
Take Care

An_246004. Difficult decisions - divorce is like death with out the funeral. As you said you continue to run into and talk to former spouse. I guess my only thought on this is - what do you want, just a distant friendly relationship? Or do you want more? Given the track record you presented, would either of you benefit from a return engagement or would you rehash old resentments? There is a lot of difficult and dangerous (to you) in trying to sort through this situation. Nothing but best wishes - hoping you can sort it out for you,

dont really want to be friends at all.She does and why?i really dont rehash old things at all.i kinda wanted more .but the question is why does getv upset when i unfriend her and why does she want me around anyway?

I am so sorry for your pain. I am in a situation that is a little similar to yours but it was only a 1 1/2 year relationship that I broke off last September so there really is no comparison to what you are going through. Can you try and provide a little more information regarding your situation like what was the relationship like? Were you both at one time truly in love or was it more one sided with you being the loving one. Was she ever fully invested and loyal in the beginning and did you both work toward a special future together. And did the split have anything to do with your being depressed because 7 years of not moving on may have less to do with not letting go and more about your ability to move on. It seems like you are stuck on "does she really love me" and "is there some small chance it could ever work out" which, if true, means you can still have hope and not move on. This may seem a little harsh and maybe I am wrong here but I don't think your ex is capable of ever having being in a caring loving relationship with anyone including you.
This whole situation seems so painful to you but there are so many people here to ride along on your journey to a better place.
Please hang in there and try and focus on your work, your loved ones, and the things that bring you joy. I have been seeing a CBT for some time and it is truly amazing how we can really train our minds to shift it's focus and take some control over rumination. It does take a lot of time, practice and dedication.

Glad you responded,we were married for 10 years together for 12.have been friends for over 30 years.we were both in love at the begining and you are correct about ability to move on .Now i havent passed on girls by no reason i just cant seem to get over that little bump to make a commitment.i dont know why.Now its 7 years later and i finally stop talking to her and she has a fit.i havent heard from her in several days but i promise you i will.i dont know what direction to move in so i just dont move but thats gonna end soon i mean SOON.so mi will let you know you what happens if anything.

hello, D --

it sounds to me as if your wife is not ready to let go, that in fact she wants to be able to feel close to you but at the same time she doesn't want to acknowledge that she is still emotionally involved with you. moreover, she wants you to do all the work in maintaining a relationship; that way she doesn't have to take responsibility for her feelings. the problem is, you are tired of doing all the work and are ready to move on.

i know you and your wife have been friends for 30 yrs and very close for 12 yrs. that is a big part of your life to try to let go of. both of you justifiably fear the void that will follow you around until you find people and activities to fill it again, at least partially. obviously you have recognized that you are ready to tackle that task, tho; just as obviously, she is not ready.

here is the bottom line as i see it -- your wife wants the security of knowing that you are still committed to her, while at the same time she is unwilling to make that same commitment to you. maintaining a friendship (which is what she says she is trying to do), or the appearance of one, after a romantic relationship with the same person is really, really hard. after 65 years of relationships (i admit, it's embarrassing!), i have managed to do it once.

it is time to fish or cut bait, as my grandfather would say (actually, he used a slightly more vulgar phrase, but we'll stick with fishing or cutting bait on webMD!). if you are ready to move on, which it seems as if you are, it is time to tell her so and to say that there is no point to staying in close touch. if she gets angry, she gets angry. that is not your problem.

i agree with J that seeing a therapist for several visits might be helpful to you in sorting out which of your emotions will trump the others, so to speak, and how you want to act on those decisions. this will not necessarily be easy, but it will be easier and, more importantly, less painful in the long run than staying emotionally entangled with your wife in a relationship overwhelmingly characterized by confusion and a lack of clarity.

i send you caring thoughts and hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing.

-- susie margaret

she has had 4 different realationships since our break up she still consantly wants to stay friends.i stopped talking to her two weeks ago and unfriended most murual friends .this morning i get on face book and there is her nephew who does not have a comp or smart phone .he hasnt been on for several years.am i being paranoid or can she use his profile to check on me? she doesnt mean me any harm but can she do this if she sets up his profile on her phone?like i said she doesnt mean me any harm at all.i know she is worried about me.she dont want to see me in any harm.

She needs to be able to let you go. Trying to check up on you in a roundabout way is kind of sneaky, you know? She needs to be up front with what she is doing and if she cant' be that way, it's up to you to put the brakes on her behavior. That's just my opinion!

yes yes yes she is avery very sneaky person thats why i think its her.and thanx for everones input i will post and stay on this site there seems to be an awful lot of people who care for me and thats what i really need at this time thank you thank you;

hi there, i haven't responded much to you but do want you to know that people here do care, we all care and want to hear how things are going for you
Keep posting
Hugs
Chez x

Well a new dilemma has come my way.Iwas talking to a good friend of mine about this and she decided on her that she would just go ahead and send a mess to my ex.The mess from what i understand was none too sweet.Now i kinda feel obligated to try and smooth things over although im not the one who wrote the mess nor did i even know anything about i got stuck with another delimma not of my doing .Should i just tell my ex the truth that i had nothing to do with it or do nothing at all?

well i just noe found out that my so calle4d friend in fact did not send a mess to my ex .She did nothing but lie to me .You see people this is what i deal with quite often .N owonder im depreesed people just cant seem to tell the truth.

I would just do all you can to completely remove yourself from this situation. You don't need that kind of manipulation in your life, you need to be able to be separate from this woman and lead your own life free of worry about her intrusion. If need be, change your email address, change your facebook profile, change your phone number...do what is necessary.

hello, D --

if you are ready to cut off the relationship between the two of you, the time is now. after all the commotion and uproar she has caused, you don't owe her anything.

nevertheless, if you want to be extraordinarily gracious, you could say that you had nothing to do with this most recent incident, then that you are not interested in keeping the relationship going (regardless of kind).

then quit answering her texts and phone calls! she is trying to guilt-trip you into staying emotionally involved with her, and you are helping her do it. if she comes to your house, don't let her in, and repeat that the relationship between the two of you is over. there is nothing to discuss, so quit discussing it.

-- susie margaret