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DOWNFALL
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downfall posted:
[TRIGGER] (TRIGGER)

HAVING SUCH A BAD DAY

PLEASE SOMEMONE HELP ME I AM SITTING HERE GETTING SUCH SUCIDIAL THOUGHTS OVER EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED REAGRDING MY JOB DECISION. I WOULD BE WORKING TODAY IF ALL OF THIS HAD NOT HAPPENED AND NOW I CANNOT STAND MYSELF ANYMORE.

THESE OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS ARE HERE ALL THE TIME AND I CANNOT GET OVER THEM

I AM NEVER GOING TO FIND ANOTHER JOB AND THEN I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME

HOW COULD I HAVE SO UTTELRY STUPID NOT TO TAKE THE OTHER JOB AND NOW I DONT HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL. TOOK A CHANCE ON A JOB THAT DIDNT WORK OUT HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH THIS? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS EVER DONE THIS, IT FEELS LIKE IT.

I FEEL THAT MY LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING AT ALL ANYMORE AND THERE IS NO ONE TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION AS I CANT DEAL WITH IT BY MYSELF.

I AM HERE BY MYSELF ALL DAY SO LONELY NO ONE TO TALK TO AND I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE AT ALL.

TOO MUCH ANXIETY, ANGUISH , DESPAIR AND DESOLATION ARE WITH ME ALL DAY EVERY DAY ALONG WITH FEELINGS OF SHAME, EMBARASSMENT, FEELING GUILTY TO BLAME NO SELF ESTEEM WORTHLESNESS AND NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AT ALL SO WHY LIVE ANYMORE AS THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR. SO DOWN AND DEPRESSED SO HARD TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY.

NEED TO GO TO THE STORE DONT WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE WILL WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME TO TAKE ME

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, IF I LEFT THIS LIFE AT LEAST I WOULD BE AT PEACE WITH MYSELF AND WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS ANYMORE

I JUST WANT TO LAY DOWN GO TO SLEEP AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS.

I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER AND THERE IS NO WHERE TO TURN ANYMORE BECAUSE I NEVER FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AT ALL

MY DAUGHTER MOVED OUT RECENTLY AND SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT AHPPENED AND I AM NOT TELLING HER AS I REALLY DONT WANT HER TO KNOW WHAT A FAILURE HER MOTHER IS I AM GLAD THAT SHE MOVED OUT SO SHE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME.

I HATE MYSELF ANF MY LIFE SO MUCH.

I AM CALING MY DAD THIS EVENING TO TALK AND WILL CALL MY FRIEND THIS AFTERNOON BECAUSE I REALLY NEED SOMEONE THAT I CAN TALK TO.


SUE
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alaska_mommy responded:
Sue, I know you're in a really bad way right now, and I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Please hang in there. This part of the job search is the most agonizing, where you've had several interviews and you're just praying someone will pick you. So frustrating and slow. Go easy on yourself, ok?
Please take care...big hugs from me!
---Joy
 
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chez1 responded:
Hi Sue, I tried to answer this earlier, are you still there, do you want to chat?
What are you doing just now?
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Chris_WebMD_Staff responded:
Sue,

I'm so sorry you are in such a bad place. You know hurting yourself is never the answer. You are not a failure hon. You raised a daughter, how could that be a failure? You are stronger than you realize.
Please reach out for your Dad and your friends. Lean on whoever you must to get through this. Don't forget the Crisis Assistance Links should you need them, please.
Chrissy~

When the world says, Give up,
Hope whispers, Try it one more time.
~Author Unknown
 
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Thistleblue responded:
Sue,

I have been thinking about you all morning.
I was out so I did not see your post until now.
I am here too and will check in again.

Know that you do have people who care....

- Thistleblue
 
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downfall replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Dear Alaska-Mommy,

I am trying to hang there but it gets so hard, cant see the llight at the end of the tunnel.

You are right about the job search it is the waiting to hear and i want to hear back yesterday and I know that it takes time to hear back but its hard to wait

Bit of course if i had made the right decision and chosen the other job none if this wouldn't be an issue now, which i would have made the right choice.

i am trying not beat myself up but it happens every day, i tell myself no more and I still do it.

i also wanted to mention to you something that i had forgotten to say in my earlier post to you when you had posted about having a rough day. it is so hard being a Mom especially when you are home all day with a little one as i remember from being home with my daughter all day from the time she was born until she was 2 years old and I went back to work part time.

my mom would come over once in a while and watch her so that I could go out by myself and that really helped having that alone time and then I would come home recharged as its rough being home all day by yourself with a litle one with no one to socialize with.

is this something that you can do once in awhile leave your little guy with someone so you can go out and have some alone time?
then you could have time of your own and then come back and be refreshed again, just a suggestion. Because believe me it really does help,

I know in another post you said that you only had one car , when you husband comes home from work can he stay with you son so that you can go out by yourself for a while?.

This is just a suggestion so please don't take offense or maybe you are already doing this.

thanks for your kindness and caring.

sue
 
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susiemargaret responded:
TRIGGER -- TRIGGER -- TRIGGER --

hello, sue --

i've been out most of the day and so didn't see your post until now.


let me address a few things that are not true --

-- it is absolutely not true that you are "never going to find another job";

-- it is absolutely not true that you are "the only one" who has ever made a decision about a job that didn't work out;

-- it is absolutely not true that "your life is not worth living at all any more" or that "your life is over";

-- it is absolutely not true that "there is no one to help you deal with this situation"; your loving husband is there, your loving father is there, and your loving friend is there, plus we are thinking about you and send our concern and caring thoughts every day;

-- it is absolutely not true that "there is nothing left to live for" (see previous item!); and

-- it is absolutely not true that "if you left this life, at least you would be at peace with yourself"; i can't say that i know what awaits us in the afterlife, but i am quite sure that we are not the ones who decide (see PS); your task is to learn to forgive yourself in the here and now.


now let me address a few things that are true --

-- it is absolutely true that you have been on multiple interviews and that employers do not interview people unless they are genuinely interested in them;

-- it is absolutely true that you "took a chance," but doing so is evidence that you are a brave person who is willing to consider new things, not that you are "utterly stupid";

-- it is absolutely true that if you confided in your daughter, she would still love you and that the thought of your being a "failure" would never cross her mind; and

-- it is absolutely true that if you lay down to sleep with the intention of never waking up, your family and your friends would be devastated.


i had another idea while i was typing. i know you do not want to go back to your church, and obviously that is a judgment that only you can make, but have you considered talking with the minister about your distress?

did you call your father? did you call your friend?

i will check on you again this evening. in the meantime, please try to think about how much your family and friends love you.

-- susie margaret

PS -- i hope i have not offended you (or anyone else) with my reference to an afterlife. i know it is a delicate subject for many people, and i apologize if i have hit a nerve.
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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downfall replied to chez1's response:
Dear Chez 1

Good Evening. i do hope that you had a good day

Sorry i didnt answer sooner but my husband came home from work and then my daughter came for dinner and I started making dinner we ate then my husband and myself ran to the store.

I just cant deal with this anymore as I would be working and feeling good about myself if I hadnt made such a terrible job decision. i wish this had never happened and now i cant get it back.

I just get up every day so full of anxiety and anguish blaming myself over and over as a failure in life , with no sense of worth or hope. i didnt even want to get up today it was so hard knowing that i had no place to go. so much time to think about everything that i had done wrong.

I cant stop all the constant negative thought processes and it is slowly killing me. i am sitting here crying as I type this as i am so upset and there is nothing that i can do.

I hate getting up in the morning as another day of being depresssed and all alone no one to talk to. looking for a job all day long which i shouldny have to do if I had not taken the wrong job offer.

I cant take this anymore as why didn't i make the right decision what was I thinking apparently i wasn't.

i really feel like my life is over no matter what anyone tells me otherwise.

was on the computer all day today looking for jobs not much out there. I know that i am never going to find another job as i had my chance and look what i did.

I just wish that I Iwould hear back from last week's interview as they said it would be sometime this week and since I really want one of those positions i know that i wont get one because that is how it usually goes.

yesterdays interview i should hear in about a week and I have one on friday which is a temp to perm job not crazy about the hours from 2-11, i am used to working during the day.

I left a message for my friend but she hasnt called back and I need to call and talk to my dad shortly.

then theres the issue of the people from church who helped support me during all of this time and now i am so embarassed and ashamed that I don't want to facE them and will find another church to go to. They are right to feel the way do given what happened.

I was discussing how i feel with my husband and he gets very upset with me becasue this is all that i talk about but i cant help it as this isalways on my mind. i told him he has no idea what I feel like over this matter and he said weill i am working to support us and I said thats not what i meant I know that you are working to support us and working very hard and Ido realize and appreciate it. he is so caring and supportive of me and I know that thisis just as hard on him.

I JUST HATE MYSELF AND MY LIFE SO VERY MUCH AS I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT FOR ME IN THIS LIFE. AT ALL ANYMORE.

Sue
 
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chez1 replied to downfall's response:
Hi Sue, thank you for messaging back, I was worried about you. I am not going to focus on all your negative thoughts, I am going to ask you to put them aside for a bit.
Did you enjoy cooking and having dinner with your family, what did you make?
please get rid of the thoughts of hate and no hope, there is always hope and you are surrounded by love.
I hope you manage to talk to your friend and your dad, keep us posted here as well
hugs
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Thistleblue replied to downfall's response:
Sue -

I had a really bad night last night. It was because I felt that the kinds of suggestions I make seem like they are silly in light of all the difficulties we/you are going through.

I do not know you at all. But what I think is happening is that you are in a "loop". You are stuck in the same negative thoughts and you won't let them go. (Everything I say is obvious, I know).

This book that I told you about explained something that makes total sense but I had never thought about it before.
Once again, I will dare to try to explain it but I will never do it justice...

People who experience 2 or more major depressive episodes by their mid 20s tend to have serious long term depression.

They explained that this may be due to a tendency for us to think and remember our previous episodes.
(I am not explaining it well at all).

In other words, as we reflect as to why we are feeling so horrible, we are so conscious and fearful of what happened last time that we get caught up in a loop of sorts.

It is sort of a self-fulfilling expectation. They suggest that it is critical to let the feelings flow by in the river... such as OK maybe I have felt like this before and I nearly lost it, but so what,,,, there it goes,,, The water that never carries the exact same thing past us.

The kinds of things you are saying to yourself--
and you are saying them each day--
are likely a big part of why you are feeling
so lousy.

I will be here to hear any and all that you feel.

I just thought of something.
The next time you share how you feel
see if you can find new words to express them.
Try not using the words
hate
lost
nothing
ashamed
and see what happens.
Worth a try...

Also
tell me something special about yourself.
If you feel like sharing it...

I will check back later.
~ Thistle
 
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downfall replied to Chris_WebMD_Staff's response:
Dear Chris,

Good Evening.

Thank you for your support and the positive feedback

I did talk to my dad earlier tonight and he said stop dwelling on the past that I will find another job.

My other friend i haven't heard back from .

I just wish i could be positive about the future too many negatives
and not enough hope that i will ever find another job again.


Its just hard when i all think about is the wrong decision that i made and the consquences of that decision..

yes when the world says give up which is want to do, hope whispers try it one more time, I have tried one more time
and its becoming impossible to keep trying one more time.

Sue
 
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Anubis66 replied to Thistleblue's response:
Please hang in there. There is always hope. If you are still breathing there is more right with you than wrong. All these thoughts you are having are just thoughts. You don't have to listen to them. That's just the depression talking. You have people at home that love you and everyone here cares about you and wants you to get better. Please be kind to yourself.

Jeff
 
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downfall replied to Thistleblue's response:
Dear Thistleblie,

Good evening

thanks for the post and I know that people in this community do care about me and it makes me feel good to know that, as if this community wasn't here I wouldnt have anyone to discuss these feelings with.

just becoming impossible for me to get up and face another day as when i wake up always so down and depressed, it took everything I had to get up this morning had to really push myself to do so.

Did a few things around the house and then got on the computer to post and also to once again job hunt, not too much out there at all right now.

So discouraged as I have heard nothing from last weeks interview, HR said it would be this week, probablyy wont get a position from yesterday's as maybe they think I live to far away about 40 minute drive, but people do commute for work the man across the street drives an hour to work, what does that matter if i dont mind as long as I am qualified for the job and can get there on time

fridays interview again 40 minute drive as in the same town as yesterday's what a concidence that is. This is temp to perm and i am just not crazy about the hours 2 pm-11 pmas i am a daytime job person, but then i can interview for other positions in the morning.

Talked to my dad he said there is a job out ther for me, I'm not sure about that he says I need to remain positive and that is very hard for me to do as i have always been a pessimistic person so
being that way isnt' helping either its even harder for me to deal with major setbacks.

Home all day by myself too much time on my hands to think and dwell on the past don't want to leave the house its too hard for me.

Dont' eat all day no appetite, just had some dinner tonight.

I dont want to get back into the way i was a few months ago but its happening once again.

Like I have said before too much guilt, shame , embarrasment, anguish, anxiety and worthlesness and failure over what happened and i feel like a fool. I just can't seem to lock these feelings along with the past away.

i just wish that i could shut off the part of my brain that has these thoughts then i would be fine

Don't know what to anymore as life is such a struggle and it never seems to get better and I don't think that it ever will again.

i am going to be going to sleep shortly then i don't have to think about any of this again until tomorrow. What a relief sleep brings.

Thank you for your concern.

take care of yourself and good night.

Sue
 
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downfall replied to susiemargaret's response:
Dear Susie-Margaret,

Good evening. I hope that your day was a good one.

was wondering where you were today as i didn't see you usual wonderful posts to many members of this community like i usually do. I am glad that you are okay as i was concerned about you.

Once again thank you for responding to me and you usual wisdom and positive thoughts.

I know that everything that you said is so very true, however i still can't get past the negative thoughts and I know that until i do nothing is going to change for me.

You did not offend me at all with your remark about the afterlife as I am sort of religious had been making an effort to attend church more often with my husband.

I am not really close to either of the priests at church and wouldn't feel comfortable discussing my distress with them. but thank you for the idea.

i do need to find another church because I dont want to stop going. My husband is not crazy about the idea but I told him that i wasnt going back to the church we had been attending. I will go alone to another church if i have to.

i did talk to my dad and he keeps teeling me the past is the past cant bring it back and that I need to move forward and he is right but he is such a positive person and i am not and never have been, i wonder if its in the genes as my mother and grandmother were always on the more negative side as well.

i left a message for my friend but as yet haven't heard back from her, her health is not the greatest so she could be having a bad day physically i will wait until she calls me.

You have so much wonderful insight into everyones problems that it just amazes me, you are so good at helping and giving advice that i still say you should be a counselor and get paid for this as you are even better than my own counselor is at helping me and she gets paid to do this. Where does all that wisdom and insight come from?

You never really put your problems out there but yet you are always there to help everyone else, is this your therapy?

how is Lulu?

Well i am going to go to sleep for the evening as then i dont have to think about any of this and there are no negative thoughts that is what is so good about sleep.

many caring thoughts are there with you..

Sue
 
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susiemargaret replied to downfall's response:
hello, sue --

i hope you are sleeping, or at least resting with your eyes closed. tomorrow will be plenty soon to read this post!

i am afraid that lulu (my dog, for other readers) is a little annoyed with me tonight, because i can't walk very well and so our nighttime walk was very short. this morning i bonked my foot into a table leg inbetween my second and third toes, and now my third toe is all swollen and hurting. it looks awful -- it's purple!

i don't think it is broken; i've had broken toes before, and they hurt a lot more than this time. even so, this definitely is putting a crimp in my activities.

here is an exercise that i want you to do tomorrow -- get some paper and a pen. it has to be a pen, not a pencil. make a numbered list of all of your negative thoughts; you can copy them from your posts (click on your name in any message, change the box from "latest" to "discussion," and it will bring up everything you have ever sent, http://exchanges.webmd.com/depression-exchange/groupstory/7016500?post=forum ). leave some space between entries so that everything is not mashed all together.

it will turn out that there are duplicates because of repetition in more than one message. when that happens, don't make a separate entry for each duplicate, just note how many duplicates there are. when you are thru, sit there for a minute or two, reading over the different negative thoughts.

now focus on one of the entries in the list but not any others; it doesn't matter which one, just pick any of them. mark it out slowly, one word at a time. you are not allowed to refuse to mark it out (i'm the one who made up this exercise, so i get to say the steps; you don't have any choice!). as you mark it out, say out loud, "OK, i'm thru with this thought, time to move on to another one." you have to say this out loud; just thinking it is not sufficient.

take several deep breaths. pick another entry from the list. do the same thing. take your time in choosing which entry to deal with each time and in marking it out. you can take 30-min breaks at the most between entries (set a timer if you need to), but you are not allowed to quit working on the list.

keep going thru the entries until you have done all of them. this will take quite a while, because you have so many negative thoughts. eventually, tho, you will have a paper with a bunch of negative thoughts marked out. take several deep breaths, then say, "OK, i'm thru with these thoughts. thank goodness! they were wearing me out!" then put the paper somewhere you can see it but where it is not in the way of anything.

you can think up some more negative thoughts if you want to, but -- and this is really important -- they have to be different ones from those that were on your list. once you've marked one out, you cannot re-add it to the list later.

i'm sure that this seems to you like a very silly exercise, and perhaps it is. who am i to say? but who are you to say, either?

you will also notice that it is more or less another version of what chez, thistleblue, and jeff have suggested. this just proves that great minds think alike! the point is to shift your attention and energy away from the negative thoughts and toward some other subject. as you've discovered, negative thoughts don't just go away; it takes some conscious effort to rid yourself of them. however, i know that this is something you are capable of doing.

now i'm worn out, so i send you restful thoughts and will check on you tomorrow.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.


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