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DOWNFALL
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downfall posted:
[TRIGGER] (TRIGGER)

I HAVE GIVEN UP ON MY LIFE. I NOW JUST WANT TO DIE.

THESE FEELINGS ARE CONSTANTLY WITH ME AND GETTING STRONGER AS THE DAY PASSES. EVERDAY IS BECOMING A BATTLE FOR ME, CANT STAND MYSELF AT ALL ANYMORE AND WHAT I HAVE DONE HAS RUINED ME.

I AM JUST SO ALONE IN THIS WORLD

I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS AND MY ONE FRIEND I HAVENT HEARD BACK FROM ALTHOUGH I HAVE LEFT TWO MESSAGES.

IF I CALL MY HUSBAND AT WORK HE GETS ANNOYED BUT NO ONE KNOWS AT ALL HOW I AM FEELING SUCH DESPIAR AND ANGUISH
I CANNOT NEVER GET THE DECISION BACK THAT I MADE AND I WISH THAT I COULD BECAUSE IT WAS THE WRONG ONE AND ALL I THINK ABOUT IS THE JOB THAT I DIDNT TAKE AND THAT I COULD BE THERE NOW IF I HAD.AND I WOULDNT BE GOING THRU ANY OF THIS.


I HATE HATE MYSELF AND AM DESOLATE AND IN SUCH GREAT DESPAIR THAT THERE IS NOT ANY WAY OUT AT ALL FOR ME EXCEPT TO END IT ALL.

NO WORD BACK ON LAST WEEKS INTERVIEW I AM SO FRUSTRATED IF I HAD MADE THE RIGHT DECISION I WOULDNT HAVE TO BE LOOKING FOR A JOB ONCE AGAIN AS I AM UP HERE 2-3 HRS EVER DAY LOOKING.

I JUST KNOW THAT I AM NEVER GOING TO GET A JOB AGAIN I JUST KNOW IT MY DAD AND HUSBAND SAY NO BUT I KNOW BETTER.

IF IT WASNT ABOUT THE FINANCES THEN I WOULDNT BE SO STRESSED, AFTER UNEMPLOYMENT THEN I WONT HAVE ANY MONEY COMING IN, SOMETIMES I GET SO UPSET WITH MY HUSBAND FOR NOT MAKING MORE MONEY SO THEN I WOULDNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS.

I KNOW HE WORKS HARD AND DOES HIS BEST TO SUPPORT US.

WHY DIDNT I JUST TAKE THE JOB THAT I WAS FAMILAIR WITH IN THE CALL CENTER AND NOT TRY TO GET OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE AND TRY SOMETHING NEW WHICH DIDNT WORK OUT FOR ME.

THIS HAS BECOME AN OBSESSION FOR ME THAT IT IS DESTROYING MY MENTAL HEALTH SO BADLY THAT I AM AFRIAD OF HAVING A TOTAL BREAKDOWN.

I AM SO TIRED OF LIVING AND HATING MY SELF AND MY LIFE SO VERY MUCH.

I AM GOING TO TRY AND LAY DOWN FOR ALITTLE WHILE AS I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF LOOKING FOR A JOB RIGHT NOW WILL COME UP AND LOOK LATER ON.

I WONT SLEEP THOUGH PROBABLY AS ALL THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ONCE AGAIN NEVER LEAVING ME JUST ALWAYS CONSTANTLY THERE WITH ME.

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME AS I AM CRYING OUT FOR HELP.

MY HUSBAND HAS TO GO AND HELP OUT AT THE CHURCH PINIC ON SUNDAY SO THAT LEAVES ME ALONE FOR THE DAY AND I AND AM NOT LLOKING FORWARD TO THAT
ALSO WE USUALLY GO BY FRIENDS ON THE 4TH OF JULY BUT I HAVE NO DESIRE TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING AT ALL ANYMORE JUST WAY TO DOWN AND DEPRESSED AND NOTHING HELPS AT ALL.

SUE
Reply
 
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jaws86 responded:
PLEASE CALL THE CRISIS LINE NOW- YOUR LIFE IS TO BEAUTIFUL TO WASTE. A JOB IS NOT WORTH KILLING YOURSELF OVER-GIVE IT TIME, I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIND ONE FOR 3 YEARS AND EVEN THOUGH ITS BEEN A STRUGGLE HANG ON- PLEASE CALL SOMEBODY TO TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL- IT WOULD BE A PERMANENT END TO TEMPORARARY PROBLEM- WE LOVE YOU SUE-HANG ON!!!!!!
 
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Demons2011 responded:
Sue,

Hey most of us have been where you are right now! Maybe not the same reasons, but the same destructive feelings about self. Jaws comments about calling a hot line, going to ER, calling your doctor right now and right away may far more since that not doing anything. Please call right away.

Sending hugs and irritating thoughts until you call,
 
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Chris_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Sue,

I'm going to post these crisis numbers again. But honey I need to say something. Sometimes friends don't know what to say to those in great need. They are frightened that if they say the wrong things, it could do more harm than good. I'm doubting that your friend is ignoring you, she just knows that you are in a bad state and unsure of what to say and how to comfort you. Please reach out for a doc if you are working with one, and if not, you need to call the Crisis Assistant Number. You need a professionals help.
(((hugs))))
Honey don't beat yourself up over this job or lack thereof. Life usually has a way of working out. You need to believe that.
Chrissy~

When the world says, Give up,
Hope whispers, Try it one more time.
~Author Unknown
 
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downfall replied to jaws86's response:
Dear jaws

thanks for your support

I know that you are hurting as well so it means alot to me to have you post about my issue. please take of yourself and I hope rhat things will get better for you, please take of yourself.

Thank you for the help and support.

I didnt realize that you havent been able to find a job for three years what do you do?

Do you have another means of support? i'm sorry I dont mean to pry

But I had two job offers took one which didnt work out and if i had taken the other than I would have a job and this is what i am so distraught about becasue of my stupidty I am once again jobless.

have no one to help me through this, dont want to go to the hospital cant afford it no health insurance.

I am just so fragile mentally and none of this would have happened had i taken the other job would be working now.

I can't wake up another day facing what i have done and people judging me I feel so embarassed and ashamed.

left message for my friend she has not called me probaby doesnt want to listen to me anymore but I need to talk to someone

My husband is due home soon so that will help me.

sending you many good thoughts and wishes.

Sue
 
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downfall replied to Demons2011's response:
Dear demons 2011,

Good Afternoon.

I just cant get past what i have done with the job situation as i so regret not taking the other job as I would be working now and none of this would be happening to me. Why didnt ,make the right decision?

I just know that i am going to find another job ever and then i dont know what I am going to do, just constant worry about our finances.

its the constant day in and day out of the uncertanity that is really getting to me still have so many hopeless, and worthless feelings

cant bring myself to be positive about anything in life as the job is not the only reason to live but to me it seems to be that way.

cant go to the ER no health insurance dont really have a doctor to go see.

My husband will be home soon so that may help me a little wont be by myself.

People judging me at church so unhappy with myself and my life.

Everything seems to be getting worse instead of better.

Sue

Thanks for your caring and support.

Sue
 
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jaws86 replied to downfall's response:
I was a RN with 25 years experience and lost my licensce because of my prescription drug abuse and a lot of physyical problems with neck/back. I am applying for disability and had no job offers anywhere in the medical field and sent my resume to a lot of places. With the job interviews I did have said that they didnt have the staff to support a restricted staff member. I finally retired from nursing las year which was and is very traumatic for. Fortunately in the medical field I married Melinda who is a pediatrician and we have been married 17 years. They said I did not qualify for unemployment since I resigned my last job. Thats it in a nutshell; I admire those people who can work infast food resteraunts. I feel very hopeful for my disability case as my nursing career took a toll on my body. If there is anything I can do to help let me know. I was able to work when I got my restricted license back but nobody would hire me.
 
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downfall replied to jaws86's response:
Dear jaws,

thanks for sharing your story with me I am sorry to hear about what happened to you over the years , i am certain that not being able to practice nursing anymore and do what you really love must be very sad for you. I do hope that you do get your disability although I know that that you would rather be working.

please take care of yourself and thank you for your support of me it means alot.

Sue
 
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downfall replied to Chris_WebMD_Staff's response:
Dear Chris,

Thank you for your comments and i understand what you are saying to me .

I really dont want my friend to sya anything or comfort me i just wanted to talk as it does help me even if not about me then about her and how her day is going just to get my mind off of myself.

Its been a really rough day for me and i know that i am in a bad state of mind at this time.

I know that i need help but i dont have a doctor and dont have health insurance at this time so i cannot afford alot.

I am really trying not to beat myself up buts its so hard not to.

Thanks for your concern.

Sue
 
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chez1 responded:
Hi Sue, how are you doing?
I have been out for hours and pretty tired now.
Have you managed to get away from the computer, taken any time to yourself to help relax. Dare I ask tried susie margarets sugggestion, I still think it is a great idea.
Anyway, let us know how you are doing
hugs
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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downfall replied to chez1's response:
Dear Chez 1,

Good Evening.

i hope that you had enjoyable time while you were out.

I didn' realize that you were having some real issues of your own
going on with your husband as i wanst aware being fairly new to this group, however i am truly sorry for all that you have been through and are going through as it cant be easy.

I will echo the sentiments of the others who before me had posted back to your original post.

I was on the computer just about all day and did go downstairs earlier to lay down but too many thoughts going around and around so i got up again and came upstairs to the computer once again which seems to be the only way for me to pass the time. I wish that I could relax as i never seem to be able to do that.

i do have my interview tomorrow and also now one on monday.

never heard back from the one from last week even though the HR person said it would be this week, i really wish they wouldnt say anything because then i expect to hear back.

still feeling pretty down in the dumps and now i am even more upset because the job that didnt work out i had told them dont pay me for the three days of training, well the check came today and is probably going to cause me some problems with unemployment. i had already filed yesterday for last week and was paid by unemployment today.

I emailed the HR person at this company to explain and i did tell him that i am calling unemplotment to advise them that I was paid for three days of training as that what it was and after three days the company decided not to hire me which is the truth so i didnt quit just got termed. if I dont receive unemployment anymore than i dont what i am going to ldo. .

So now on top of everything else thuis is another issue that I need to deal with as well. Everything seems to be getting worse instead of better. I dont know why i am being punished but it sure seems like it. i dont think that i am a terrible person not perfect but i am caring .

I am just not doing to well as you can see from my post
too much unhappiness and self hatred about everyhting that happened job wise, if only I'd taken the other job none of this would be happening now. just so down and depressed.

I am getting very tired since I was up at 5:30 this morning and never got back to sleep. It is 8:06 PM here and I am going to sleep in about an hour. excpet now I probably wont sleep very well as something else to now worry about.

I am so worried about our finances and I know that my husband is concerned as well given these circumstances. But he is so supportive and I know that he cares about and loves me very much, but i am so concerned about him because of everything that has been going on with me that he has to deal with. It has to be hard on him as well as though he is pretty easy going (thank goodness) not like me and doesnt like to much bother him, but I know that this is.

the only bright spot my friend from church called me today to see how i was doing and i did apologize to for him being so supportive and my needing a job so badly and this is what happened and I felt like a fool and couldn't face him. he was very understanding and just wanted to see if i was okay since he hadnt heard fro me.
i am now just so scared about unemployment and my future and can feel the anxiety and anguish coming back once again and i am sure that I will be up early feeling the same way in the morning as i am starting to do now.

I will either be posting first thing tomorrow morning bright and early or else when i get back from job interview after 12:30.

I will talk to you then.

once again thank you for your caring and concern.

i do hope that you have a Good evening.

Good Night as i am now signing off.

Sue


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