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Just doesn't make sense - Trigger
chez1 posted:
I have been sat here at home for a couple of hours, it is so peaceful, the kids are away and hubby is out for the night. I so don't often get the chance to have the house to myself and up until about half an hour ago, I was really enjoying the peace and quiet.

Then the thoughts came into my head, the negative ones that tell me I don't deserve to be here, the ones that say "die", the ones that tell me everyone would be better off I wasn't here. These are the thoughts that push me to hurt myself, and they are so hard to fight, why am I so weak to them? why are they there? I could come up with a million other why's?

I know I do not have to act on these thoughts and feelings, and I have to say I really do plan to fight them tonight, I am adamant I will win, I have no problematic meds, I have sharps but have put them away and I do have crisis numbers. I am also using writing here as a barrier.

Which brings me to I am sorry to share this, I wish I didn't have the thoughts, I wish I was strong enough to fight this and stay on top, but sure, obviously I am not and it comes back to I shouldn't be here because I am useless and pathetic and what's the point.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
niteflier responded:
Hey Chez, i am glad you are fighting and posting here - thank you. I know you have heard it many times, but i will say it again You are NOT usless and pathetic. i know you help me (and many others here) when we go through tough times and hope we can do the same for you. Please hang in there and know we are here for you.

sending lots of (((((Hugs and Love)))))) your way.

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

Demons2011 responded:
Chez1, glad I checked back one more time. Thanks for letting us know what you're feeling right now. If you even think of acting on these thoughts call your crisis line, Please.

Chez, you do deserve the things and people around you. You know that better than anyone, I know the reflection is distorted right now, but you are a kind, sincere, caring and loving person. You deserve to feel happier than you do right now. Everyone here knows it, too!.

Lots of hugs and caring thoughts coming FEDEX, as in right now.
BeHapppy118 responded:
Hello there Chez,

While it's nice to be home alone and have sometime for yourself, it's not so nice when you are having these thoughts. Sorry you are feeling this way, but I guess sometimes it just happens. I know how you feel, those negitive thoughts get to me too.

It's good that you posted here to help yourself, don't feel sorry for that. It's why we are here. And I feel better knowing that you are fighting back. As hard as it may be, don't give into those thoughts. You are much better than that. You don't always have to be at the top, it's ok to stumble sometimes. The kindness and help you give here it just shows you are worth it. Is there someone you can talk to while your family is not there? Just anything to distract your mind even though I know it can be hard.

I will be thinking of you tonight. You can get through this. Sending hugs and nice thoughts.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
- Stephen Chbosky
Jeune1 responded:
Sorry your inner critic is trying to ruin your quiet time. Don't apologize for talking about it! It doesn't want you to.

I'll tell you, I'm worried that will happen when my husband goes out of town for a few days. I'm looking forward to an empty house, but I don't want to be alone with my internal bully. Please let keep posting and let us know what we can do to help.

One thing I learned in CBT is to challenge my inner critic. It really isn't any good at debate. It's telling you you don't deserve to be there? Ask it why you are there if that's true. You're right when you say it doesn't make sense. It really is exactly like a nasty little kid on the playground, saying the same mean things over and over because that's all it knows how to do.
Jeune1 replied to Jeune1's response:
Hit reply too soon:

The other thing I wanted to say is I always value your comments and your ZZ quote makes me giggle no matter what mood I'm in.
totalyfedup replied to Jeune1's response:
Hi Chez, So sorry that you are not doing very well, I can relate to it, I posted something earlier.
The one thing I have been told and I really should practice it more is that I take all the negative feelings,thoughts, nasty comments from people and I hold on to them, but I never hold on to any of the positive. And feeling this way dosen't make you a weak person in any way shape or form, that is something you have to stop telling yourself.
When you have a quiet time can you read a book to take your mind off of things? Do you have any pets?
And you are NOT usless and pathetic!!!!!!!
Can you post again later and let us know how you are.

This may be a little pathetic for me I am looking forward to the Olympics to start on Friday, it's a good reason to park my butt on the couch for 14-17 days!!!! how bad is that? lol

take time and be good to yourself

need support
chez1 responded:
Just want to say thank you to all, I do hear what you are saying and understand how you could think the positive things that you have written, however I have very good arguments to counter all the nice things that you have said, I wont bore you with that. I suppose it just comes down to knowing ourselves better than others.
I have managed to stay safe until now, I have kept myself busy. I am going on holiday with the kids when I pick them up on friday so I got stuff packed. Then I had a bath.
I am now having a glass of wine so that I can't nip to the shops to but otc meds and then I plan to go to bed and try and sleep. And although my h and I don't actually speak much to each other I will be glad when he gets home as that will hinder my actions further.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
blujonny responded:
It might be that you're reaching back into some childhood type lack of reassurance or negative viewpoints brought onto you by your parents or just how your own thoughts were developed as a child. usually extreme thoughts are due to enhanced sense of fight or flight because of abandonment. Are you going through some sense of abandonment right now?
chez1 replied to chez1's response:
Ok, I am so sad now. Just spoke to my babies, I really do miss them so much. I know it is pathetic, they are having a ball and I want them to have the experiences that they are, I think I am just too selfish to share them.
Never mind though, as I said to the youngest through his tears, only one more night after this one!
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
totalyfedup replied to chez1's response:
Hi chez, If you don't mind me asking how old are the kids? I don't think you are being selfish at all.
oidhche mhath Chez,

need support
alaska_mommy responded:
I'm sorry you're feeling like this today. I can understand that though when you're home alone, I know for me that's when I get to thinking too much.
You know those negative feelings that cancel out the positive are the lying ones. You are stronger than me by far, you are battling this depression and yet still manage to work and get your kids to school and drive your hubs to work (I think?) and still come out ahead of the depression at the end of the day. I think anyone who is still here to tell about it has come out ahead, IMO.

Now are a kind, compassionate soul who is real, honest, and likeable. And you might not believe that now, but just know, that is the truth, whether you think it is or not. Even if you might say, well you just don't know me, what matters to others is what they see in you. So if they see good, then you are someone they want to have around...if that makes any sense? I mean everyone when they go walking down the street will smile politely because someone else is passing by. Now if that person hadn't have passed by, they wouldn't have been smiling at that moment. So we all do things specifically because someone else is present that we might not do if we were alone. I don't consider that faking it, or putting something on, I just consider it the way we change to show people we care about them or that we like their company. Smiling more, giving a hug, encouraging or sympathizing.
So, you really do matter, you really do make a difference, it's just that danged depression telling you otherwise. Don't listen to it's macabre whisperings. Remind yourself that it's a liar, it has lied to others and it will lie to you. And if a bunch of people on a depression forum all think you're pretty great, then it must have some truth to it, right?

Try to get out if you can...go out and watch a movie, go walk the mall if you have one nearby and window-shop, maybe try on a few nice things just to see how they look in the mirror. Look at things you would buy for your kids if you wanted to or had the money. Get a manicure or a pedicure even? If you can, I think it would be good. You can always choose an activity where you don't have to interact a lot if that makes you anxious at all. Take care of yourself, like it sounds like you're already doing. Hugs!!!
Jeune1 replied to chez1's response:
have very good arguments to counter all the nice things that you have said, I wont bore you with that.

Just a question: Could those arguments be wrong, or at least not wholly accurate?
Demons2011 responded:
Chez, this was the view I got to see tonight when I got home at 9pm. For some reason I wanted to share it with my good friend. It's even more intense in person. It's a thunderhead, falling. I hope your feelings fall away too.
chez1 replied to Demons2011's response:
Thanks again, your support is much appreciated. I slept for a few hours last night so that gave some relief. Not feeling the best today but at work and keeping busy.

Jeune - my arguments may be a bit biased but I do believe they are true, I suppose that comes down to knowing or own demons, self critics or my preference "bullies". But I do have to say that although I believe them to be true, I do not have to let them get me down, that is what I am working on just now.

Demons - thank you, the picture is amazing, did it come with a storm or just that really heavy feeling. Thank you for calling me your friend x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar

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