Depression Community

I've been reading posts here for the past several years. I thought it's about time I post something of my own. I've been diagnosed with depression for the past 6 or seven years. As most of you know it can be an up and down battle. I know, or at least have a pretty good idea of how hard it has been for my wife. She has run the gauntlet with me and stayed by my side. I'm very thankful to be married to her!

The frustration, irritation, exasperation, pain, disappointment, and sadness I 've caused her, breaks my heart and fills me with an unbearable quilt. It kills me to see a tear on her face. She has given up much for me. That's where my current situation begins.

While I was out of work roughly four years ago (company closed its doors) I spent thenext two years taking care of our sick dog. it was my job to keep her cleaned-up and clean up after her. Since I was the one stuck at home (when not looking for work), it was pretty much exclusively my job. Not something a depressed person wants to wake up and do everyday, let alone almost two years worth of it.
The dogs health would drop off and we would make the decision to have her put down. When it got to that point she would go into remission. It's pretty hard to put your dog down when she is happy, and experiencing some good days. We followed this cycle as long as possible (probably to long) until it was time to put her to sleep.

It was a dark time for awhile but as usual, my wife helped me through it. Since then from time to time she would hint at wanting another dog. I would say no, that I wasn't ready. She would be disappointed but understanding. Well the the other day I gave in. Not because I wanted a dog. At first I said no. It killed me to see her disappointment. Well, as I said I gave in. Instead of a dog, we ended up with two. They are rescue dogs (Golden Retrievers) and were/are inseperable. No doubt brother and sister.

Several days have now passed. I am unable to handle it. I feel terrible. I don't want the responsibility. I don't want to be around them. I feel nothing but remorse. I feel almost suffocated. My depression is worsening. The few things I was trying to take an interest in have floundered. Life sucks. It's just too much. I feel like my space has been totally violated. I don't want a dog at this time in my life!

Another thing to consider, is that son #2 will be going back to college in a few weeks. This would only be the second time in our 21 year marriage that we (my wife and I) have been alone together (wife has a son from a previous marriage). The first being son #2's first semester in college. So much for our time alone. How depressing. I've also been home for the past 5 weeks due to surgery. I still have another 3 or 4 weeks of recovery time at home. With two dogs! I'm not mean to the dogs. I look after them and such. I just have NO interest in them. My wife senses this and I can tell she is irritated.

Well you can bet that my wife's heart would be absolutely shattered, if we found a new home for the dogs. She would also be extremely mad at me. Who could blame her. My guilt would swallow me alive.
The other side of the coin is that it would be cruel and confusing for the dogs to go to another new home. They need to stay together. Again, my guilt would swallow me whole. I like dogs. I just don't want one at this time in my life. Alas, I feel like crap. The depression cloud thickens again. Sorry to ramble so much. I just feel so stuck. I have no clue what to do. It feels as if there is no way out. I lose no matter what. If you've read this far, thanks so much for your time! Any help would be greatly appreciated.