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Demons2011 posted:
I miss you! Hoping you are on vacation or just peeking in. Let us know, just a simple hi would do.
niteflier responded:
Hello D and everyone who has posted asking about me. You all have so much heart. I am sorry I have not posted in quite a while - no excuse really - just can't get my head on straight. I'm doing ok, somewhat lost. my father's birthday came and went in July. i do appreciate all the support everyone has given me on this subject - it all makes sense, but my mind can not let go of the fact that i had a choice and will never know if the choice i made was for my dad and not myself. even his family confirmed that i gave medication out of selfishness on my part and cut his life shorter than it should have would think i would just be able to accept the desision i made and move on - i should, but some days are worse than others. I heard a quote on the the tv - " When you look long into an abyss the abyss looks into you" Friedrich Nietzche. it seems to fit.
thank you again for asking about me and I am sorry i have not been there for all of you this past month. I have been checking in, just not posting - the connection i feel for all of you I can not even begin to describe.

Sending lots of Love and (((((Hugs))))) to all. Again i am sorry for not posting sooner.

(Chez, i am not going to reread this and will just post - you did teach me that

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

chez1 replied to niteflier's response:
heu nf, thank you for replying, we have been thinking about you. Please dont dwell on your decision, i hope deep down you do know you did the right thing for your dad, the others had no right to imply otherwise.
Try and take care of yourself and remember there are alot of people here who care for you
sending many hugs
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
niteflier replied to chez1's response:
Thank you Chez, i have not been as good to myself as i should have been, but that too has calmed down.

how have you been doing?

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

Demons2011 replied to niteflier's response:
So glad to see you again Niteflier. I hope you have been drawing? I would like to see more. Right now I am taking another course on CBT. Really need to reinforce the better thinking process. Been emotionally up and down and even lately. Typical roller coaster. Had first meeting with new counselor, seems like nice person. She was very focused on getting to objectives and goals at next meeting, what I want out of these sessions. First session was hi, who are you, why are you here - historical. Pretty much what you would expect. Just hoping we can make a connection and get me moving forward, instead of just treading.

So sorry your fathers anniversary created so much stress for you.
Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff replied to niteflier's response:
Hi Niteflier - So glad you check in, was getting ready to send out the troops!

So, sorry to hear you have been struggling and your dad's family is unable to see the facts - Your dad had cancer, he died from cancer. What he was experiencing was not life, he was not living, he was suffering. He was under the care of Hospice, the doctors prescribed the medication, you gave him the medication that was prescribed. The medication was not prescribed to prolong his life, it was prescribed to make him comfortable. He is now comfortable.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it is not meant to be harsh to you, but for those who have made you uncomfortable.

It is not fair to blame you for anything and this is coming from a girl who watched her both of her parents die from cancer and the girl who administered the last doses of morphine and ? (the name escapes me, but it relaxes the breathing muscles when someone is struggling for a breath).

The pain is excruciating for both the family and the one with cancer and we do what we need to do to make our loved ones comfortable - in life and death. It is an honor. I admire you Niteflier and I am sure your dad admires you!

I should probably re-read this as I get off my soapbox.. but hitting Submit...
alaska_mommy replied to niteflier's response:
Hi NF, so good to hear from you. I can imagine your father's birthday was especially painful for you, makes sense why you have been staying away for awhile.
Whenever I hear you talk about the way his family judges you it makes me so mad. I honestly can't see how a dose of pain medication when he was already dying from a terminal illness could have made any difference one way or the other. Even in the medical field, when someone has something terminal like cancer, their goal at end of life is to make the person as comfortable as possible. They give much higher doses of pain medication than they normally would if the person is in a lot of pain, because the goal is comfort, since there is no hope for them. So what you did would be the appropriate response for someone in pain who was at the end of life--to make their passing as comfortable as possible. Please don't listen to his family. They are toxic to you in this case...they are adding to your darkness and pushing you nearer that abyss than you might have been without their harsh judgements. My advice is to keep them as far away from you as possible, no matter what they may think or say about that choice. You need to put yourself first and be able to grieve your father without them heaping guilt on top of your already heavy load.
I feel you have accepted their judgement as valid---"they have confirmed you gave him medication out of selfishness"---sometimes, if you hear something enough, you will start to believe it. I don't believe it was any bit of selfishness on your part, it was a caring, loving soul that had compassion on a dying man. He was hurting, and you had the power to make it stop. It was the merciful thing to do. You were a merciful person to give him that relief that you had the right to administer. You didn't sneak drugs into his room, you didn't go against the doctor's orders, you just went against the ludicrous wishes of a selfish family. And that was the right thing to do. Please try to be kind to yourself. Imagine you were in his had a fatal disease that there was no hope for, you were at the end of life and in those last moments you were filled with agony. Someone you love is standing by with the power to take away your pain---wouldn't you want them to do that for you? I see it as a final loving gesture on your part, so that he could relax and pass in peace rather than be hurting. I know I would rather be at rest in my own passing.
I hope you don't mind me talking like this, it just makes me so mad to see how much they are hurting you with their lies. Their paranoia about the medication killing him is wrong and goes against what medical science would say on the matter. They are possibly in the anger phase of their grief, and decided that you would be their target since you had the last moments with him. They may even be jealous that it was you at his bedside. What they are feeling is not your concern, you each must grieve in your own way. Attacking you will not help them move on in their grief, and listening to their judgements will not help you move on in yours.
I hope that you can come to a place of peace with this. Remember, depression is one of the steps in the cycle of grief. So don't be hard on yourself if that's where you are right now.
niteflier replied to Demons2011's response:
Hey D, thank you - feeling a bit better. got back on the horse (so to speak) i drew a little bit yesterday - first time in a while, but its a start.

i hate you have been on the roller coaster ride......darn entities shaking up our snow globes.....

I am glad you have a nice counselor, that she is focused and hope the connection will be what you both need to get you moving forward - no fun often will you be able to meet with her? I use to go once a month and probably should start up again.

I always dread the first encounter with counselors - but was extremely lucky with the first counselor (he was very patient) and extremely helpful (and was surprized i chose to see him over a woman counselor due to my past). Nervous about looking for another. the second one I tried - we just did not click, the third was a disaster.

Thank you again D - i will post a picture when i'm finished. Actually I will attempt to write wylie in hieroglyphics...... a friend drug me out of the house to see the king tut exhibit. have to admit it was amazing and i am glad i went.

Take care.

Sending lots of ((((hugs)))))

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

niteflier replied to Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you Elizabeth for the kind words. i did not consider it harsh, sometimes it is good to get smacked upside the head with reality every once in a while. Thank you for sharing, know that could not have been easy. SM said something similar when i first joined the community. I know what you all are saying, but sometimes the snowglobe is shaken so hard it takes a while to settle down.

Thank you -
take care
Sending (((hugs))) your way.

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

niteflier replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Thank you AK Mommy, I agree their thinking makes no sense, nor did they make any sense during my dad's in home hospice care. It is just hard to 'unhear' something, as it is to 'unsee' something.

I believe my dad would want me to remain in contact with them - I did try the first month after with no response - perhaps i should take everyones(family included) advice and keep my distance from them for a while. I don't hate them, but I really don't know how I feel towards them - numb is the closest I can come.

Thank you again. I am on a upswing, if you can call it that. I am glad I got back online - should have done it sooner - everyone here is so kind and caring.

I hope you are doing well.
Sending (((hugs))) your way.

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

alaska_mommy replied to niteflier's response:
Hi NF, so glad to hear you are on an upswing, that is always good. And I'm glad you decided to make your way back here.
I'm doing well, really well, I'm trying to figure some things out internally but overall pretty upbeat lately. Excited still about the prospect of becoming pregnant, hoping this month is it for me. Of course it might not be but hope springs eternal, eh?
Take care NF, hugs back to you!
niteflier replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Hey AK Mommy, perhaps this will be a lucky month for you yes i agree springs eternal would be great .
Backslid a little bit today, but still hanging. Tomorrow is another day
Hope you have a good night and a good day tomorrow.
Take care.

Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

BeHapppy118 replied to niteflier's response:
Hello Niteflier!

I am glad to see you here again posting somewhat after not being here for a little while. Don't be sorry for not being here, it's ok. Don't really know too much about the situation with your Dad but it seems like a lot has already been said, (and a lot of support has been given!) So I just wanted to say hello and I hope that things clear up for you.

I feel such a connection too here, HUGS to you!
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
- Stephen Chbosky

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