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Don't Know Where To Turn. Wondering If Hospital Is A Possible Last Hope
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havetolearntoaccept posted:
Please give me any advice you think will help

I will be 60 soon and I look, act, talk and appear to be fine to most people. I have perfected the "acting" routine we here all practice. After over 40 years of dealing with now MDD (and FM) my psychiatrist tells me I am "treatment resistant" and he and my therapist (CBT), who feels so helpless seeing me in such pain, try to get me to focus on all they taught me about changing my thinking. They both agreed on me trying "outpatient treatment" but it seems I am not dysfunctional enough to be part of that program.
I can somehow get through the day. I try to get to the health club 5 days a week but it is getting very hard getting through the hour I force myself to do. My doctors all want me to exercise and I really believe all these years it is keeping me alive. I really have to force myself and smile along the way but I sweat profusely within minutes of doing anything. It was so painful to get through yoga yesterday but I can't quit trying even if I feel like I will pass out.
Outside of that, I barely function. I can't do any of my many hobbies I once enjoyed and fade out quickly if I try to do any kind of organizing or return to my Ancestry or online photo work. After I get home from the club I eat lunch and try to sit hoping I can do something but most times I get so weak that I have to rest or even sleep. If I end up sleeping then I get up completely out-of-it and can't move. At night I always slip into a depression and the negative thinking starts.
I take Paxil, now 60mg, which did kind of work well for about twelve years. And the Elavil the 15 years before that worked very well. I do take Percocet 500/325 four or five time a day for my pain but seeing a pain doctor soon so I can get off them. I had ECT in 2009 but no improvement.
I try to even accept what is happening to me but I am so uncomfortable, fatigued, in pain, and unable to even get out to be with people I care for.
Overall I did well over the years. I am educated and accomplished and worked around my bouts of depression, panic attacks and trips to the ER. I lost my job of 28 years back in 2006 due to my depression. I let people know now what I deal with but still just want to move away because I can't handle the pain of not being able to function around all the "healthy" people.
My idea of going into the hospital even my therapist thinks may not be a bad idea (I will not say I am suicidal because I am not).
Has anyone here been in my position and found a hospital stay helped. I would really like to just be put to sleep and wake up as my old self.
I welcome any comments or advice. Thank you all for your love and continued support.
Reply
 
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havetolearntoaccept replied to chez1's response:
Chez1 - what happened here? Were you not able to write at this time?
 
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havetolearntoaccept replied to chez1's response:
You are my only reply so far so don't feel bad about not having advice for me. Others probably don't know how to help much either and I am really not looking for people at this point to try and send me off in some other completely different irection for help. I have looked or even tried other treatments with no luck. My therapist said it seems from past history that only the right meds will be of any help.
Your support and kind words are worth so much at a time like this. I have seen your writings many times here and I know how much you struggle.
I pray that you will continue your good work trying to help others here. You should be very proud of this.
Right now I am waiting to see a pain specialist who hopefully will get me off the Percocet. It seems that it might be interferring with my Paxil working. I have read many stories of people that suggested it does.
I know there won't be any miracle fix. I would just like to be in less pain and fatigue for now.
Thanks so much for your love and kindness.
Jim G.
 
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havetolearntoaccept replied to chez1's response:
I NEVER give up and I won't be looked down on after all I have accomplished and done for others.
Gob bless you Chez. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Jim G


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