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I think I hate my mom (possible trigger?)
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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I have not posted to you all for a long time, because Ive been really happy. I come visit, and try to offer support sometimes.
But I shy away from offering support too, cause Im what they call a trigger, with out intending to do so.
Im really mad, sad, and annoyed. Something small came up last night, and its built up and carried over into my day at work, its now past lunch and Im just festering with emotion, and I dont know how to feel better right now. Ive been trying all my tricks, and nothing is a permanent fix, my brain keeps going back to this angry state, unable to focus, feeling like I could pop with rage.
And I think about the incident which brought this about, and its really just a subtle miscommunication.
That Ive read into.
My brother asked me to come have dinner last night via text message. This entire conversation in fact, is via text message. He said my mom was coming to visit, and to see his baby. I told him Id have to ask my fiance if he was up to it, but more then likely yes, because I miss them and would love to visit with all of them at once.
My brother then says "oh your going to bring him, well cant you just come alone because mom might get nervous and leave if you bring him." Well at that point I had already asked my fiance if he would go with me. Now I had to tell him he couldnt? And it just threw me off, so I didnt even bother to save face, and I told my fiance what was said, besides the part where my brother said he talks about hunting too much.
My mom has only met my fiance once, before we got engaged, and she said she didnt like his tattoos, but he went around her house and changed her broken light bulbs, and took out her trash, and he even fixed her sprinklers in the back yard with my dad. My dad divorced my mom 22 years ago, and the way I see it, she is a 300 lb lazy ungrateful wicked woman who doesnt deserve anyone to be throwing her a pity party.
This has brought on alot of emotions and feelings...
I have been on cloud 9 being engaged, and 90% of people I talk to think my fiance is perfect for me. Then you have some one who in most families opinions matter alot, like my mother, who has completely ridiculous reasons to dislike the one thing that makes me happiest in this world....
Well let me tell you how much I want her opinion to matter to me. I dont want it to matter at all, but deep down it does, or I wouldnt be so hurt by this stupid situation.
And then whats worse, is I asked my brothers girlfriend how the dinner went, and she said they took her to the emergency room, because she choked on a piece of meat.
No one ever calls me when something bad happens to her, because I will "just stress her out" Oh well thanks, being that Im a nursing assistant, no one thinks my two cents would be valuable in the case of emergency in my own mother.
My own mother dislikes me so much, the last time we did anything together was mothers day, and she made me cry cause for heck sakes I cant even tell her a true story about my life with out her making a disappointed or disgusted face. I dont know what about me bothers her so much, Im either too loud, too immodest, too fat, too shabby, too smelly, too fast, too slow, too early, too late Im just wayyyyyyyy too much in her opinion.
Im just so mad.
I dont even want to have a wedding anymore, I would rather go to Vegas and get married just me and my hubby, since no one wants to meet him anyways, and no one has even offered to help me plan anything, or go dress shopping, no one wants to be involved at all, my dad is the only who is happy for me, and Ive always said his opinion is the one that matters, so at lease Ive got him...
Im just really sad, my poor fiance is trying to cheer me up, Ive tried all my tricks I usually use like taking a walk listening to music...
I missed my Zoloft Saturday so I tend to wathdrawel for two days when I miss a dose. Hopefully Ill feel better tomoro...
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chez1 responded:
Hi Lis
So sorry this situation has arisen for you and sent you in such a spin, I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Isn't is crap how family dynamics have an amazing ability to throw a spanner in the works and leave us feeling overwhelmed and distressed.
I hope you recover from this quickly and realise that we cannot life our lives for our families, yes it is easier if we have their support but ultimately your happiness is what is important, and happiness is what you have found with your fianc? - keep hold of it girl!
hugs
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Jeune1 responded:
I hope you're feeling better today. I understand the never-satisfied mother thing. Eventually I realized it was a game and not only did she make the rules, she changed the rules to ensure I never "won." So I quit playing. It was hard at first because for years I thought if I could just figure out the ONE thing and do it, she'd be happy with me and everything would be perfect. Except, it wasn't ONE thing it was a MILLION and ONE things and half of those million things were the complete opposite of the other half. (Try busting your butt to get into a "good" college out of state only to hear you really should have gone to your county community college so you could live at home. Whaaa??!!)

My suggestion - Stick to your dad and your fiance and people who want you to be happy AND make you happy.

And congrats on your engagement!
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to Jeune1's response:
Hey Thanks for your responses, Jeune and Chez, it makes me feel better to hear that not everyone gets along with their mom. I knew that already, but it definitely helps to be reminded.
I know I missed my Zoloft this weekend one day, but now Im wondering if I may have even missed 2 or 3 days with out realizing it, because I am still feeling upset. But for different reasons.

Today I am festering emotions towards my poor fiance... he hasnt done anything wrong, there are minor minor issues, that in my right mind I can convince myself they will work themselves out with out me having to make a fuss.

I avoid making a fuss over anything, becuase I generally cannot calm myself down, and handle it like an adult. And I do not enjoy making a fool of myself.
But I know there are things he is not telling me about himself, and even though his best-friends-wife assured me there is nothing horrible to find out, it still really bothers me he hasnt told me these things Im yet to find out about him yet.
She told me to patient and not to push him. My first thought was I would follow her advice, cause she has seen him go thru many relationships, and knows him well. But my second thought was, that she is just his friends-wife, and what does she know?
I am just feeling overwhelmed today over all of it, wedding plans, him moving in with me, paying rent, joining bank accounts, sharing money, sharing space, lack of personal time, lack of communication skills, feeling misunderstood, his elk hunting obsession... Im just overwhelmed, I keep wanting to cry, and I am at work, trying to hold my composure, cause I know I have nothing to cry about, I just keep having the feeling.
 
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Jeune1 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Thanks for the update. Even positive changes are technically considered stressful events. (Marriage is MORE stressful than losing your job!) So you're moving in with someone and doing all of this other stuff, that stresses everyone out AND you're still dealing with your depression.

I'd also say that you shouldn't feel bad about taking your time to adjust to the new living situation, get to know more about him, prepare for the wedding. There's no rush! And I think anyone who plans a wedding is very brave. My husband and I wound up trotting down to the court house and then had a gathering/dinner with his family that weekend. Even the hassle of getting that together made me want to call off the whole thing.Orchestrating full scale wedding? I would be hiding under a rock somewhere. Take care and keep us updated please.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to Jeune1's response:
Jeune-OMG you couldnt have said it better, orchestrating a full scale wedding is rock hiding-inducing.....LoL.
I worked out that concern with my fiance over what his friends wife said, we talked and everything is cool!
I was out of town this weekend or Id have updated you sooner.

I went ahead, and wrote down a list of priorities for my wedding, cause I didnt know where to start.
I think Im pretty smart, once I can get past the initial feeling of overwhelmed.
I need to find a venue FIRST, and make a reservation for my date 9.21.13- because most wedding venues book out far in advance. Once I make a reservation, I can find out if they supply decorations, and if they supply catering, cause if the venue makes it easy like that, Ill take it, but then Im sure some venues, have bundle packs, that really rack up the price, and it might be cheaper to just shop around. But I hate shopping around. I always plan to, but I always THINK alot LoL before I go looking, so I basically know exactly what I want before I see it, and I know it when I see it, its like DING DING DING, thats the correct object!
For example this weekend I went and bought my fiance his wedding ring. I went to Morgan jewelers, and bought the first ring I had the salesman pull out for me. A patient of mine, worked at the mall, and had a friend as a co-worker at the jewelery store, and he got me 100 dollars off of the ring too, which made me pretty darn happy. Being a good person really does pay off...

While my fiance and I were elk hunting this weekend, I had alot of time to think, sitting quietly in the trees. Its very beautiful and serene in the area we like to hunt... I was getting upset the past few weekends, feeling left out because I dont go out with my "friends" aka drinking buddies anymore, but then I realized that my "friends" always fantasize, and talk about doing the things that I am doing, but I am actually doing them, and they are out getting drunk, feeling hungover, and not doing anything. I used to be that way, and I didnt see anything wrong with it, but now that I have avoided alcohol for nearly 5 months I notice how much it really effected my choices negatively.
I love my fiance so much, there are so many things about him, that encouraged me to better myself.

Some times I feel like he doesnt pay attention to what I need as much as he does himself, some times I feel like Im catering to him all the time, and when do I get to enjoy activites I choose? My friend who introduced him to me said "You have done a complete 180 for this guy, and I just worry that your not doing things that make YOU happy anymore."
She is a really good friend, she made it a point to tell me she was not saying that because she was jealous I dont spend time with her anymore now that Im single. But thats just it, my fiance behaves as if it bothers him that I want girl time alone with a friend, that he is jealous and wants me to come home... its frustrating. So Im trying to wait it out, and see if he adjusts. But I might just have to tell him how I feel, he is so hard to confront though. Ugh. I always burst into tears, and make him feel bad.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I am trying to quit smoking so I need to remember that its not a medication failure that I am feeling so much anger and anxiety today.
I started feeling anxiety last night.
Im really bothered by the way my fiance has a set time for sex everyday. Spontineity is what makes sex fun for me, so when he tells me to hurry and go to bed so he can have sex with me, Im like whatever, why not right now if you want it so bad, we are just sitting on the couch, why wait until right before bed, and I kept getting ready to say that to him , it was on the tip of my tongue... but he was being so sweet, and talking to me in a baby voice, that he uses when he talks to little kids, I am ten years younger then him, which is bad enough with out him baby talking me, making me feel like a kid- does NOT make me feel sexy.
I know my biggest problem is I am afraid to tell him how I feel about things he does cause I dont wanna hurt his feelings, and I keep trying to convince myself I am only bugging or bothered by his behavior because I have depression and my moods are unstable. I find that I blame alot of things on my depression that maybe I shouldnt, its hard to distinguish between real emotion, and emotions sparked from my depression/panic disorder.

I have called my pdoc and told her my anxiety is really bad more then once, and she has tried a few different meds, and they either knock me out, or have no effect. The zoloft keeps my hands and feet from going numb, and hyperventilating, but I still get hot flashes, and cant sit still.
She tried me on neurontin for anxiety which has zero effect, and shes tried me on hydroxyzine, 10 mg and 25mg. 10 mg doesnt do much of anything and 25 knocks me out.
I know that Xanax works for me cause my friend has some and she gave me a few to try. My pdoc has me on Ambien, and Im proud to say I have not abused it or shared. I use it on nights when I really cant sleep, and thats it! But I am still afraid to ASK her for xanax cause in past experiences, I notice doctors immediately get defensive of drug "shopping" once you ASK for something specific. I know all she can do is say yes or no, but I am such a sensitive wierdo, I will get huffy over it, and think "how dare she assume I would abuse the drug" and stop seeing her, when I really like her otherwise.
Oh yeah, Im trying to work on that.... letting small things like that cut ties.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I would definitely say something to your fiance about sex if it's bothering you. You don't have to make a big deal about it, just quietly tell him you'd rather be more spontaneous and that having it be a set time takes all the fun out of it for you. You can also tell him you don't care to be talked to in a baby-talk voice! I think those are things that are great to address NOW, before the wedding, and begin to be more open about how you feel, good or bad, to him.
 
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Jeune1 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Agree with A_M that you should hash this out now. You won't be less bothered as time goes on and he'll feel bad if you say something a few years on instead of now.

There are things I don't feel comfortable bringing up with my spouse now because I didn't say anything the first time (or first few times). My family is really good at springing things you did that upset them YEARS after the fact and maybe I go to extremes to avoid dropping emo-bombs on the unsuspecting. I still feel mad and the feelings do build up each time the same thing happens. But I feel I have to keep silent because it wouldn't be fair to say something NOW. And unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, those feelings WILL eventually come out and not in a constructive way.

Say something. Maybe go to some sort of pre-marital counseling. I suggested it to my now husband, he said no and I didn't want to push. My relationship with my spouse isn't awful by any means, but I will go so fart as to say I REGRET the fact we didn't sit down with a professional of some sort. And maybe he does too?

Besides, once you all reach a certain age, the only way you'll be able to have sex is WHEN you schedule it, perhaps a couple of weeks out! He should enjoy the chance to be spontaneous while it lasts!
 
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itmatsb replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I'm glad that you think you love your fiance, but there are too many things throwing you that need to be addressed long before you get married or even move in together. The fact that you feel overwhelmed about "him moving in with me, paying rent, joining bank accounts, sharing money, sharing space, lack of personal time, lack of communication skills, feeling misunderstood, his elk hunting obsession..." and that he feels jealous of time you want to spend with a girlfriend, info he's not sharing with you and the sex stuff--it's really a big red flag. You need a lot more time to get to know each other, communicate better and yes, perhaps joint counseling.

I wouldn't even start planning a wedding yet with all that you are concerned about with him. It sounds more like someone who wants a divorce rather than someone who wants to get married.

I would ask your doctor about other medication to address your anxiety. There is Klonopin for example.

And sorry that it is so hard with your mother and your brother. At some point you will have to draw boundaries with your mother and not expect anything from her, because you are never going to get it. Unless you might go to joint counseling with your mother, but I think that would be a long shot.

I do wish you the best, but you are about to jump off a bad cliff with your rush to get married to someone that you have so many problems with.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to itmatsb's response:
I think Its me though more then its really him- I am just being annoyed. And I am easily annoyed, because I am moody.
I agree with Jeune, I should bring it up before its too late, and I cant bring it up later, because it will be worse.
I think alot of my agitation, irritability, and anxiety is because I am trying my best to stop smoking cigarettes. Its a hard thing to do. I had 3 cigarettes last night at my friends house after work before I went home. But its been 4 days I havent bought a pack a 3 whole days with out smoking.
I have been so sad when I get off work sitting alone on my couch, I have been trying to go to a friends house until my fiance gets home, cause I get sad and start crying when left alone this week. I havent missed any of my meds, I just think my nicotine withdrawel is making me depressed.
Its hard to make sense of anything when you are depressed.
 
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Jeune1 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I think you're on to something and congrats on quitting. Withdrawal does cause agitation, anxiety, irritability. I shouldn't say this and every health care provider in the world would kick my butt for saying it ...

Maybe trying to plan a wedding AND work out issues with your fiance AND trying to quit smoking AND manage your depression is a bit too much right now?

I know, I'm horrible! I guess I'm just wondering if everything you're feeling is due to the withdrawal. And since nicotine can kind of blunt harsher feelings, you may just be feeling things you couldn't while you were smoking.

Are you going cold turkey? Have you tried the patch? The patch might allow you to tell whether you're in withdrawal depressed/stressed or not. Meaning, if you've got nicotine in your system from the patch and you're still feeling out of sorts, then it isn't JUST the withdrawal. Just a thought. (And if you try the patch for the first time, do NOT forget you're wearing one and light up. Take it from me, your heart will kick into high gear and you'll think you need an ambulance.)
 
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Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Nicotine withdrawal, marriage, mom issues - you have a lot going on in addition to the daily stuff of life.

Just a suggestion - Google Premarital Counseling Questions. Print out a few and just for fun sit down with your finance to go over some and spark communication. If you guys can identify some issues then suggest counseling. My husband and I went through counseling and it was an eye opener. We learned some great tools for communication.

I'm proud of you for quitting smoking!!!

Elizabeth
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff's response:
Those are great suggestions thanks to you both, I havent used patches, and thats a good idea to sort out if its just the nicotine or me. We get paid tomoro, and are going camping again for 4 days this weekend.
I hate to admit it, but I am thinking of just buying a pack of cigarettes tomoro, and trying to quit when I am more prepared.
This happens at least once a month, I run out of cigarettes, happen to be broke, cant buy more. Decide I should quit since I cant afford it. Then I avoid bumming smokes, or scratching up change to buy some. Then as soon as I get paid Ive had such a struggle with out smokes, that I go get some and man Ill tell you driving down the road with a new pack of smokes, and lighting up makes me feel like a kid that just got out of school for the summer in a way after having tried to quit for the week prior to relapse.
My fiance and I have talked about my plan to quit smoking, and I know I have ALOT on my plate right now, but I feel its very important to keep trying to quit cause I feel so unhealthy and unable to breathe, I feel its urgent. We talked about buying me some patches, when I am READY. which is an on and off feeling for me.
Writing to you folks, and revising, reviewing how I felt last week, really helps me thorugh my tougher times.
For instance I was just imagining smoking a cigarette, and after reading about how it effects my health, Ive reminded myself why its important to quit, and I also reminded myself that I put myself through struggles over and over again and Im just asking for it, by giving up and starting over. Well see if I make it, Im getting much better, and much closer to actually quitting.
I am getting better, I was off of this site for months, but now Im just needing a little help sorting things out.
My fiance is good at deterring conversations, so I just need to get better at pushing my point across.
I need to be prepared to defend my point and make sure he understands, I need to be prepared for him to try to shut me down, and come up with the best way to get him to listen, cause I try, I know it needs to be done, but when I try and he still doesnt seem to get it I need to grow some balls and tell him that this is important and if he wants to get married he needs to listen is what it comes down to.
Betty White always said that they should change the saying to grow a vagina because those things can take a beating.
 
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itmatsb replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Do you know the saying, don't quit trying to quit smoking. Give yourself credit for just trying to quit. When I've asked class after class of students how they quit smoking, they always said that they quit when they went cold turkey. You will be able to quit altogether at some point. You have the motivation. There are various ways to quit, e.g. anti-depressants. This could help with your irritabililty which is a sign of depression. You can get better. Good luck.


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