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    I Don't know what else to do
    An_247288 posted:
    Gosh, I don't even know where to start or why I'm even posting in a forum. I guess that's how lonely I feel right now. I've been battling depressing ever since I was 12 years old. I am a 29 year old female going on 30. It feels like I have worked hard all my life and have nothing to show for it. I'm think I'm an ok person to be around but no one seems to want to be my friend. I have put myself out there and tried, but after a while when you realize you are the only one trying you just let it go. I was pre-med in college when I had my first severe depressive episode. I realized that I honestly did not want to be a doctor though mentally I was smart enough to do it. But really the passion was not there. I want back to college and got a second degree in music, which is my passion. In the second to last year, I developed problems with my voice. My range has decreased, my tone is nowhere near the same and my vocal endurance is shot. It's been 5 going on 6 years of me trying every possible thing on earth to get my voice back up to par so I can sing professionally, but it's just not happening. I also suffer from severe chronic fatigue, and attempted to teach public school full time and my body could not do it and I had to resign. So currently I work part time and try to make a living from teaching music privately, but it's not stable and can barely get by. I still live with my mother because I"m still trying to make enough to support myself. Before I went back to music school, I did try the medical school route again but I ended up hating it and getting depressed again. I feel stuck with nowhere to turn. I have so many dreams that seem like that's all that they will be. I guess I would worry so much about my career if I had other things going for me. I literally do not have one friend I can call and say, hey do you want to catch a movie? Believe me, its not from lack of trying. I'm trying to not care, and I really don't have a problem being alone because my life has really mostly been that way, but I'm just tired of my life being that way. I have no energy, and even if the circumstances in my life don't change, I'd be ok if I could just feel normal. If I could go through the day and smile and it be genuine and not something to do to get by because I know people don''t care to see an unhappy face. It's so tiring trying to wear a mask. I just want to be laid to rest, and feel that I honestly would not mind if I did not wake up tomorrow. I don't know what else to try or do. I'm on anti-depressants, I exercise when I"m not lethargic, I've changed my diet, tried natural health alternatives. I'm just very tired.
    niteflier responded:
    Hello An_247288, I hate that you are having such a hard time. i'm going to ask a few questions, but you do not have to reply, just something to think about. What do you feel is your passion - (not a money maker per say, where does your heart go) my passion is animals - and trying to prevent the cruelty that they endure with the wrong 'family'. i do consider when you are graced by an animal willing to reside in your home and accept you - they are family. please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

    Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

    itmatsb responded:
    You are still severely depressed. I would suggest that you see a psychiaitrist who can suggest another anti-depresssant, a combination of medications or perhaps an increase in the one that you are taking. You really need to get your depression treated.

    And sorry about your disappointments with not being a doctor or performing professionally. Very high goals indeed. It sounds like you are still heavily grieving those losses. Have you tried getting any counseling? There may be a free or low cost option available for you in your community. Call the United Way, or the city or county dept of social services to find out.

    As far as not being able to make any friends, it can take repeated contact with people to make friends which is difficult for you since you don't work at a job, volunteer or go to any activities. If you did go to something repeatedly, I think that you would be bound to make friends. Or what about attending a support group. And if you ask questions about people and show an interest in them, you are bound to make a friend. Friends would make an enormous difference to you and who knows, could lead to a romantic relationship.

    Your putting down yourself for "even posting in a forum" would seem to put down everyone else who posts on here. There are very good people on this site who care and try to help one another. Welcome to this site and take care.
    loveu4eva replied to niteflier's response:
    Singing is my passion. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
    An_247288 replied to itmatsb's response:
    Thanks for taking the time to reply.

    I have been trying to find low cost counseling. I will look up what you suggested.

    I actually do do volunteer work, attend church small groups. I get along great with them at the event, but anything beyond that, other members of the group would be invited and somehow I would not be. My job hours are actually in the evening time, which is when most people have activities so that makes it hard to.

    Even posting in a forum was more about me spilling my guts online rather than having someone to talk to. I'm sure there are great people here like you who take the time to answer someone. Was not putting down anyone else. Thanks again.
    jians replied to An_247288's response:
    just seem to be same as what you are going through.,for the past few months i was going through the same emotions that you have.i feel so alone,feels like everyone is busy for their own lives that they dont bother to check how you doin.ive been working for morethan a year now,supporting my family,im not into a relationship but do have a sunday school teacher.i stay at our chruch almost the whole day.i feel so secure w/ my friends in our chruch but at one point i just felt so empty insde me..i go out on my own,watch movie all by myself.whenever i want to go out and have fun i just dont seem to be happy,i know its because nobody is there to share the happiness.i end up realizing that my life doesnt seem to be ok until i became so depressed that i feel like crying at all times.
    i changed in attitude and my spiritual mother have noticed that.i finally told her everything im feeling.i realized i was wrong.i let myself down.i realized that all these years God has been so good to me.I prayed that same day i feel so relieved.
    "all things work together for good to those who love him"
    you mentioned you attend chruch groups,try to seek spiritual counseling.that's one great sure that for free.,keep praying for you.,you can make it too.,
    violetSurfer responded:
    I think what you describe is how depression feels for many people. I spent much of my life, in my teens and 20's especially, feeling as you describe, wanting friends but not able to make them. Because of that I felt bad about myself, unhappy, and desperate, and it showed. That made it even harder to connect with others. A vicious exhausting circle. I know that awful feeling.
    However, eventually I learned that I was not alone in feeling that way which I found comforting. I began to control my underlying anxiety and sadness with medication and therapy, and at the same time sought out something I was good at and focused on it intensely. With a little bit more self confidence, I was less desperate and one day I made a friend, later another and another. It was a slow process but now I have a community of friends and my life is so much better than I thought it could ever have been.
    I hope you find my story helpful. Maybe some of the things that worked for me could work for you. Life can get better, at any age.
    loveu4eva replied to jians's response:
    Thanks so much!
    loveu4eva replied to violetSurfer's response:
    That was really helpful. Thank you kindly:)
    itmatsb replied to An_247288's response:
    That's so great that you are so involved in volunteering and church. Maybe you're not invited because people know that you are not available due to work during their invites.

    It might take a lot, but what about you inviting one person or a few people to do something with you on the evening that you don't have to work or during the day on the weekend when people are not working? That might be a good start. But know that things will change.

    And again, you need some better medical treatment of your depression. Please get a second opinion from a good psychaitrist instead of just a regular doctor. When the chemistry isn't right, it's extremely difficult to do much of anything.

    Glad that you wrote in to this website where people do care about you. I do.

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