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    I really need some help.
    tryingtohideit posted:
    Most days i make it through ok. But here in the last few weeks its only gotten worse. I dont know what to do. Usually I can put on my happy face and only those clossest to me knows that its fake. But i dont know if i can even do that any more. With work and paying bills buying groceries i just am havin such a hard time pulling myself out enough to see the dim light. I have no social life because i cant bring myself to leave the house or do one single thing just for myself. Im just lost.I dont want to shower i dont want to go to work i dont want to see my friends because i see how happy they are and it feels like i will never get to feel that again. I couldnt tell you the last time i was truely happy. I promise myself the next day im off i am just gunna get in my car and go do something for myself, but thats just a lie. I never do. If i do anything its watching my friends kids so they can spend time with their boyfriends or whatever else they want to do. Im always doing for others because for that little time i actually feel good about something in my life. Can someone please help me.
    Jeune1 responded:
    Hi there, glad you wrote. I know exactly what you're going through. I especially noticed what you said about doing for others because that's often how I distract myself when I'm feeling down.

    I wonder if you could just pick a really simple goal like stopping somewhere like a library after work instead of going straight home. For me sometimes following the same routine day after day is comforting but sometimes it makes me feel worse because I get bored.

    I hope you'll keep coming back and keep us posted with how you're doing.
    tryingtohideit replied to Jeune1's response:
    Yeah! I will try that. And I will for sure keep comming back. Lastnight was a roock bottom point for me again and I just needed a place to go to where people knew exactly the things I was going throught. Thank You very much!!
    itmatsb responded:
    Hi, So sorry that you're having such a rough time. I've also had very bad times myself and understand how difficult it can be. I have to ask whether you have tried an anti-depressant? And if so, perhaps increasing the dose could help you. Life should not be such a struggle. It takes everything out of you. And depression also causes a lot of physical damage as the years go by. Please let me know. Sara
    tryingtohideit replied to itmatsb's response:
    Yes i was on Celexa 40mg. I also have issues with anxiety/panic attacks. I stopped using my anti depressants because they made me have no feelings what so ever. And i was still having the panic attacks and depression. I am going to talk to my doctor that i am going to for weight loss about gettin back on another antidepressant. It has really been getting to me because my brother and i live together and he doesnt work and i do and that is all i get to do. and i see him going out and having fun and getting to do whatever he wants at 22 when here i am at 19 working all the time and not giving myself the time to go out. not letting myself calm down for once and go do something i would enjoy because i am worried about the bills and groceries and gas and everything else. So i am stressed daily not to add in the fact that he goes and does as he pleases. This normally wouldnt bother me as much as it is if my depression wasnt also eating me up. so I am goin to have to do something. I can no longer handle it on my own.
    alaska_mommy replied to tryingtohideit's response:
    Hey there, is Celexa the only antidepressant you've tried? There are lots of them out there and I bet you can find one that wouldn't make you feel like a robot. Finding the right one is kind of hit and miss, so it can be hard to find the right one sometimes, but once you do, it's so great to get some relief. I hope you keep talking to your doctor/therapist until you start to feel better.
    itmatsb replied to tryingtohideit's response:
    alaska mommy has very good advice for you about trying a different anti-depressant. Some of them made me feel terrible, but now I'm taking one that has taken care of my severe depression. There are different classes of them to try.

    I have to ask if your brother helps with the bills that you are so worried about that you work all the time. If not, you need to demand that he contributes. That would lead to a conflict with anybody.

    And perhaps you need to cut down on the hours that you work if possible, so that you do have some energy left over to go out.

    Know that your depression can get better. Once it lifts a whole new world will light up for you. And anxiety is often part of the depression or you may need an anti-anxiety medication as well. Ask for the help that you need. I wish the best for you.
    PeteBuck replied to tryingtohideit's response:
    Rock bottom is Rock bottom. You may hit it again, but as this has passed so will the next one if it arrives. "This too shall pass" - corny but please do say it do yourself even in your deepest despair.

    The combination of Depression and Anxiety is tricky and common"026 I have both and stress/anxiety kicks of depression.
    Some drugs that fight both are Effexor and Paxil. I am on Effexor and I take an anti anxiety drug as needed - but you have to be careful the you don't have an addictive personality as it can become easy to try to numb yourself with these.

    Look for a doctor (some General Practitioners can be better than some Psychiatrists believe it or not) that gets Depression, that knows the options that is willing to work with you until you find the right drug and dose. It took my brother a few years, but when he found the combo it made such a huge difference. You will find something that will keep you head above water and more. From there, there is lots of work to be done to get your up the mountain where things become clearer. But once you are up from under the water you will have a better idea on how to proceed.

    If I could recommend you treating yourself to anything, and it may seem like torture right now. Get a Gym membership and a buddy to join with you - a friend that will beep outside your house in the morning to get you up (and understand if its just not the day for it also). Get cardio exercise in as much as you can. Start at 3 visits a week, with 30-45 mins of pushing yourself. It will compound the positive effects of every drug and it will give you a place to go if you want to get away from it all. It will also reduce your generalized anxiety and give you clarity for solutions (and yes your brother needs to buck up)

    Keep us in the loop.

    tryingtohideit replied to alaska_mommy's response:
    Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. Have been dealing with kidney stones (my kidneys are full of them) oh the joys of being a nurse lmao. And yes it is the only one that I have tried. I am going to talk to my doctor that i go to for weightloss about trying another kind. I just go through phases of being ok that can last for months and then here i am back in a ditch.
    tryingtohideit replied to itmatsb's response:
    No he doesnt. I have talked to him and talked to him about it. My mom and dad has also. They would help me some but money is just hard all the way around. With her going to the doctor cause of bp issues im not goin to ask them. They have taken care of me for 19 years (financially) I cant ask them for any more. But my brother keeps telling me ya ya i am trying no one is hiriring. Which is such a lie. I live in a Oilfeild booming town and he is 22! He could get a job like that if he would actually try! Drives me nuts! But i cant cut back on hours right now. I am out 8 days due to my kidneys being full of stones and i cannot take care of my patients in the pain i am in or on the pain meds the doctors have me on. And bills are just too high. I am hoping the hospital will hire me for the simple fact my dad is changing jobs again because he isnt getting enough hours where he is and we are going to lose insurance. The hospital offers insurance and its 3 on 4 off and then changes 4 on 3 off. which would give me some me time for the same amount of money.
    tryingtohideit replied to PeteBuck's response:
    Thank you! I am going to talk to my weightloss doctor who is also a GP and let her know what all is going on. I am feeling better. I do need to get more exercise since i am trying to lose weight. It is what i have wanted to do for so long yet my depression and lack of motivation to move unless i have to have hampered that. But i am happy to say when i went to the doctor in june i weighed 271 and yesterday i stepped on the scale at the same doctors office i go to for weight loss and i am 245! was such a big win for me! That helped alot to have been able to do something for myself for once. This was for no one else but me! I will talkto my doctor aboout paxil and effexor. When i first started they gave me the option of celexa, busbar, zoloft and a couple of others i cant remember. Thank you very much for those suggestions!
    itmatsb replied to tryingtohideit's response:
    You need to give your brother an ultimatum to start contributing his share of the bills, or he moves out of where you live within 3 weeks. And then you need to change the locks and get him out. Let him know this. His living there also adds on to the utility bills.

    He will never get a job as long as he has a free ride. He can go live with a friend or his parents. But you have to be firm on this. Or you move out and get a place of your own and then he will have to pay all the bills there.

    It's so UNFAIR. You deserve better. Staying in this situation will only make your relationship with him worse and make you feel worse about yourself. I hope that you will not keep letting him or anyone else keep walking on you.
    tryingtohideit replied to itmatsb's response:
    It is getting to that point. I have and our parents have tried the nice tactic. Then my parents did the mean tactic. I have been walked on all my life by everyone. I am just now learning how to stand up for myself. It sucks and now i am out 8 days of work due to my kidneys being full of stones. So I am begining to stress about that. I have told him of many great job opprotunitys around town he says that he just isnt having any luck which i know for a fact it isnt about not having luck its about him not doing. Our dad has worked for just about every oilfeild company in the town we live in and our name is very known in the oilfeild community. He should have no problems finding a job. Hell we have even told him pizza hut, mc donalds, sonic, andywhere for just that little bit of help. I make good money as a CNA. But not enough to support the both of us.
    itmatsb replied to tryingtohideit's response:
    So you have to make the choice to stop having people, especially your brother, keep walking on you. Your parents apparently set a boundary with your brother, but you are enabling him to be a bum. Yes, it will be your fault if he never amounts to anything and ends up with no self confidence.

    I know that you can do it. And yes, you do have a lot to be stressed about, worrying if you'll still have a job from being off for 8 days. I really wish the best for you, but you'll to make the big step.
    tryingtohideit replied to itmatsb's response:
    I had a talk with him tonight. I spent most of the night at work crying, why i dont know cause usually i can keeo my emotions in check until i get home. But we had a talk and i told him that i couldnt do it all by myself any more and that he HAD to get a job or else i was going to have to move out because i cant support the both of us on my own. Apparently he and some of his friends went to the casino today and he hit a 3000 dollar jack pot so he just hands me over 600 dollars. I was speechless. It took alot of stress off of me and i felt like i could breathe. I told him that yes that helps a ton for right now but he really needs to keep on and get a job. told him if i had to i would take him my next day off to every buisiness in town have him go in and apply make sure he fills the app out before we leave and turns it right back in. I was serious and blunt with him. It pissed him off but oh well he can get happy in the pants he got mad in because i have been pissed for weeks now. I think i may have finally got to him. He gave me 400 for the bills and 200 for me to spend on me. and that is exactly what i plan to do. I have the right to spend some on me. I have some in the bank to take care of everything else this money is for me to actually do something for myself! so i plan to go out and have some fun!

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