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    Help with defiant 18 year old son and selfish husband
    22boys posted:
    I could write a book I suppose. I have an 18 year old high school senior who has been very spoiled all of his life and now it has back fired on me. He is luvs beer and always come up with ways from others to get it. My husbands ,and his side of family, luvs to drink too. They are to the point they are not happy if they don't have it. We can not have a social gathering with out it and it has to all be drank completely gone or untill they are so wasted they cannot walk. There is no one or two and we are done and happy with that. I'am a social drinker I can have one cocktail and sip it through the evening and be content. It then leaves me very unhappy w/my husband as the evening progresses we end up having a shouting match and or I just leave him be and go to bed.The main issue is he works out of state 30 days at a time and come home for 2-3 weeks and it is pure "not fun if he cant cook out and drink to oblivion" while he is on break, this is his long weekend from work. We dont have family time if it cannot involve beer it is simply not fun, he is not interested in doing it, we invite him, he says no I think I will stay here ya'll go ahead I will be here waiting on you when you get back. I return ticked off cause I usually return with him intoxicated. Our son was his dads BFF up untill about a year ago and he discovered girls and devoted more time to his girlfriend instead of his dad. Our son also likes to be the life of the party, center of attention so he meets the kids that want to be cool too, The popular kids hang out at first but then come to realize that my son is dumb for wanting to be wasted and dont hang out with him to much after that. Iam extremely frustrated and am at my end with both, ready to walk out. I have tried the its more or beer and it works for a few days then its boring and my husband is sulcking still doesnt want to do anything so I give in and go buy beer just so he will be at least some what sociable.But back to the evil cirlcle we truely get along much better when he is at work then at home. At work he cant drink and I feel that he is not because he would not want to loose his income for our finances. He is smart than I maybe sounding but it is so frustating. So any advice would be great.
    susiemargaret responded:
    hello, 22 --

    i am so sorry that i didn't see your post until today and hope that you are still following this thread.

    you cannot control either your husband's or your son's drinking. you can control only your own actions. let me make three suggestions along that line.

    one is that you consider attending some al-alon meetings (see PS). these are meetings of families and friends of alcoholics; they are to support each other, not to judge or to tell others what to do. these meetings allow you to share your experiences and benefit from the experiences of others, and everything said in a meeting is confidential. you can attend al-anon meetings whether or not your husband and/or son attends alcoholics anonymous meetings.

    you can find local in-person al-anon meetings at or . for those who cannot attend in-person meetings or need additional support between meetings, there are also on-line/telephone/e-mail support groups, which you can find thru or .

    second, i think it might help for you to get some counseling. this would give you a place to talk about your day-to-day problems, but it would also give you a source of objective feedback on various coping strategies and ways you could make some changes in your life that might make your circumstances less difficult, or at least more tolerable. counseling would also allow you to explore your options in terms of deciding what your limits are, how to incorporate them into your life, and what choices are available to you if that turns out to be impractical or impossible.

    finally, you may want to ask your primary-care dr or your counselor for a referral to a psychiatrist for an assessment of whether a short course of antidepressants might help. i say "psychiatrist" deliberately because they usually know more about psych meds than other drs do.

    i hope this helps, and i send many caring thoughts to you and your family. i hope above all that things will get better for the three of you. please keep us posted on how things are going.

    -- susie margaret

    PS -- al-anon is for adults; alateen is the organization for teenage family and friends of alcoholics.
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    susiemargaret responded:
    hello again, 22 --

    i forgot one other idea. you will get good advice and emotional support in the substance abuse community, , both from experts and, even more importantly, from people who are or have been in the exact same circumstances you are.

    you might try posting there also.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.

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