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    deasertrose posted:
    Last night I had this dream. Don't know where I was at, outdoors sonewhere. I was trying to kill myself But this man was chasing me. Then I was in aroom that everyone was watching me. Some how I got away and I tried again but there was that guy again. This time he tackled me but then I was in that room again with those people watching me. It kept going on like this till I woke up. It's kind of bothering me. I don't remember my dreams and I really don't want to go to sleep and have any more disturbing dreams. I don't know what to say or think.
    itmatsb responded:
    You don't give us any other information about yourself. Are you depressed at all? If so, perhaps therapy could help you. If you don't think that you are at all depressed, maybe it was a different medication that you took last night or maybe it was just one of those bad dreams that we occasionally have. I still remember a terrible nightmare that I had in high school for seemingly no reason. I never had another one.

    If you generally don't remember your dreams, then it's very unlikely to happen again. If it happens again, it could be because now you are all keyed up with anxiety. Try to relax before you go to sleep and try to visualize yourself in a beautiful place. Good luck.
    deasertrose replied to itmatsb's response:
    itmatsb thanks for the reply but yes I am depressed. I sleep all the time. I don't enjoy doing anything. I don't do anything like cooking or cleaning or showering. The only thing I do is go to my part time job if I don't my husband says means things that really hurt and make me turn into my shell, I don't like myself, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, my memory is gone from ect. So it is very hard at work cause I don't know how to do things that I've been doing for 7 years.
    I was abused for 10 years as achild. I've tried to kill myself many of times.
    Sorry I don't mean to be yelling at you. Bad day at work. just got home. the dreams are from the trazodone. I have them many of them all night long. That dreamed just bothered me. I guess I just had to get it out and off my mind.
    deasertrose replied to deasertrose's response:
    itmatsb I'm sorry. I don't like to talk about myself. I guess I just got angry cause I can't find any help.
    itmatsb replied to deasertrose's response:
    I'm glad that you wrote in to tell us about it. Since you didn't give any other information, I didn't know your situation. I am sorry to hear about your depression which has not been controlled. I'm assuming that you tried many other medications that haven't worked to help your depression--am I right?

    I think that it would help for you to talk about yourself. And here of course you are completely anonymous. No one knows who you are, so it's very safe. You have every reason to feel angry that you haven't been able to find any help. I'm wondering why you take the Trazodone if it gives you bad dreams. I have to take it to help my fibromyalgia.

    Have you had any therapy? There may be some cheap or free counseling available in your area. You could try calling the United Way or the local health dept.

    It sounds like you have been through a great deal in your life. You've done so well to get this far. I'm sorry that your husband is not more understanding. That would make me angry. You don't sound stupid at all. You're just having some memory problems from the ECT which should go away after a short time. How long ago did you have it?

    Feel free to respond back. I would like to hear more from you. You are not alone with your depression. Take care.
    TMSNeuro replied to itmatsb's response:
    deasertrose, It sounds like you really need someone to talk to. You have been through multiple medications and ECT and talk therapy???? Have you looked into any other forms of treatment? I run a center for TMS Therapy which is indicated for treatment resistant depression. You should really look into it. There is no memory loss like ECT and virtually no side effects like medication. We have helped many people in very bad situations.
    Regardless, I hope you find some answers and get to feeling better.
    deasertrose replied to itmatsb's response:
    I have tried many meds and I guess they work for awhile then stop or they just don't work at all. They put me on it when I was in the hospital in the spring so I could sleep. Now I'm afraid of going off it cause then I won't be able to sleep. If I forget my meds for one night I can't sleep. I'm in therapy but it's hard cause I can't remember what we have talked about. Mostly we work on stuff but sometimes we shoot the breeze which helps cause I really don't have anyone to talk too.
    I had ECT in 2004 since then I feel like my life is ruined. I've tried to get into the DBS study but they said no. Another study but I would have to go off all my meds but I wouldn't be in a safe place for someone to keep an eye on me. The last study I'm trying I can't get anyone to talk too. Numbers no longer any good, wrong department. I've just about had it. I really don't think it's worth living if I'm so miserable and I can't find any help. I'm going to bed now just got home from work. Thanks and take care.
    susiemargaret replied to deasertrose's response:
    hello, D --

    i have some comments about both TMS and clinical studies, but i'll break them into separate posts so that this doesn't turn into an encyclopedia!

    with respect to the suggestion two posts above about TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), there is a very long thread discussing TMS that you may want to take a look at -- . try to be patient wading thru it, because there are several points of view expressed and lots of responses. however, i think it would be worth your time to check it out.

    other threads with some discussion of TMS (with or without comparative comments about ECT) are at --

    -- ,

    -- , and

    -- , second and ninth posts, both by BB.

    in one thread discussing different forms of treatment for depression but not specifically about TMS exclusively, i referred to an article on TMS from the mayo clinic, ; another mayo clinic article on TMS is at . however, i have never done a lengthy independent search on the subject of TMS itself.

    webMD articles on TMS are at --

    -- , video;

    -- ;

    -- , first section; and

    -- .

    i include all of these references to sources of TMS info not to overwhelm you but because it is not yet in widespread clinical application and because i know that anyone considering it is feeling pretty awful and may want to research it as a treatment possibility.

    i send caring thoughts to you.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    susiemargaret replied to deasertrose's response:
    hello again, D --

    well, i should have done a search before i fired off my previous response!

    i just stumbled upon a separate response to a different thread from you where i discussed both TMS and clinical studies, . so i guess i'll just sit down and be quiet for a while!

    i hope you are feeling better.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    itmatsb replied to deasertrose's response:
    I'm so sorry that I didn't see your response until just now. It sounds like you could really use someone to talk to. I know that it's difficult when you feel depressed, but can you invite any neighbors or people from work to go to coffee with you somewhere or even at your home? Your husband is no help whatsoever it sounds like. It sounds like anyone would be depressed living with a husband like yours with no one else to talk to. I mean really. So do try to socialize with anyone that you can.

    Have you been treated by a psychiatrist who knows how to give combinations of medications? I have to ask, have you been on MAO Inhibitors? It is an exceptional med, but is an unusual anti-depressant because you can't eat certain foods. But if you think you would have difficulty remembering which foods, it would definately not be a med to take.

    I was suicidal for years, so I know how hard it is for you. There are always new anti-depressants coming out on the market because so many people do suffer from it. So do try to hang on longer. About 30 years ago, I finally found the MAO Inhibitor which made me very happy, but it was great while it lasted for a couple years. Then I got bad side effects and had to stop it. Then light therapy helped me, but then with menopause it didn't work anymore. Then I found an anti-depressant that worked and I've been great ever since. Except I got near suicidal at one point because of my chronic pain and lack of any life. Just increasing the anti-depressant lifted my depression entirely with the same terrible life.

    So there are life saving treatments and meds that can make their way to us, if we are willing to keep trying. And that you are doing. I applaud you greatly.

    Take care,

    deasertrose replied to itmatsb's response:
    [TRIGGER] TRIGGER<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I'm just so tired. All the sleep in the world wouldn't help. I'm stressed out totally, my brain doesn't work and I can't cry. I just want to give up. I really want to give up. I let to many people use me. I just found out today that my grandmother had a stroke. Not good. First my dog now my grandmother. Hey maybe if I killed myself now no one would notice. I'd just get forotten with all this other pain.
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to deasertrose's response:
    Hi deasertrose,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. That's a large load of added stress on top of everything you are going through. I urge you to please reach out for help offline, call your doctor and one of the crisis assistance links to network for help.

    The most important thing right now is to keep yourself safe!

    Please check in to let us know how you are doing and take steps to take care of yourself deasertrose,

    chez1 replied to deasertrose's response:
    Hi deasertrose
    I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother, this is an additional stress which is without a doubt pulling you down.
    Please keep fighting, we would notice and we would miss you.
    I am not so good with words so like to use pics to show what I am trying to say, so I am sending you this
    People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily...........Zig Ziglar
    deasertrose replied to chez1's response:
    Hi Chez
    I tried to reply last night but something went wrong. I wanted to say thank you for your kind words. I also wanted to tell you that when I got home from work there was a box on the counter, it was my Pepsi dog. It was her ashes. If I could have cried I would of cried up a storm. So I'm in my hole a little deeper. But I'm glad I have people out there that care. Boy do I need to love up on my dog. I miss her so much.
    chez1 replied to deasertrose's response:
    Hi deasertrose
    I get missing your dog, I lost my dog quite a while ago but still miss him. I plan to get another one soon but there is not full agreement in the house!!
    Remember there are always ladders to help you out of your hole, people here have helped me so often, i think the support and care on this forum is life saving, so hang in there and let us help you.
    Sending lots of hugs x
    People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily...........Zig Ziglar

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