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New Here and Needing to Vent
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sheswounded posted:
Hello everyone,

I'm new here and I joined this site because I am losing my battle with depression. It's accurate to say that I've been depressed since childhood, but I never got any help for it. It got easier for me s I got older and entered adulthood. But when I turned 26, a serious of tragic events has unfolded, leaving me unable to pick up the pieces to life a happy, decent life. I've not always been the best person, and I've made plenty of mistakes. I've wronged people before, and I've tried to ask for forgiveness, but no one wants to. So, I've not been able to forgive myself. My family, well, I talk to my mom on occasions, but I can tell that I am the last person she wants to talk to. The issue with her is that I wasn't there for her or my grandmother or my brother when I should have been. It seems that no matter what I do to try and prove that I've bettered myself and that I want a second chance, she just can't accept it. I thought that I turned my life around, but she does not recognize this. It seems like every time we talk or interact with one another, she's trying to give me a lesson to learn from. I never get the chance to show what I've learned from. I never hear anything positive, like I did well in the end. It's always a threat like if you don't do this, and if you don't do that. I have no support, and like I said, I get that I should have been there more for people. But, I'm having a hard time moving forward because I feel like I deserve to feel bad.

My depression has gotten so bad that I cannot cope. I don't want to live anymore because it seems no matter how hard I try to do right and make positive changes; I still get further and further behind. I feel there is no hope for me. I can't have a better life, it's too late. How can you get through life without anyone in your corner? I have no one. No friends, no family, no one. Everyone is against me, and everyone seems to think that I am so dumb that I have to learn lessons that others learned when they were kids. I admit, I don't know it all. I admit that I have problems. But when people treat me the way that they do, it makes me feel stupid. They don't take into account that maybe I am the way that I am because of what happened to me as child. I was molested by my adolescent cousin when I was between the ages of 5 and 7. I never told anyone, so I never got help. It wasn't until I got older that I finally told someone, including my mom, who till this day, seems to think it doesn't matter. She continues to bring up my cousins name without any regard to how this may make me feel. It makes me feel like what he did does not matter. I feel like a loser. I hate myself because I have no one who cares about me. If I were better, if I acted more normal then maybe I would have someone in my corner regardless of the mistakes I've made. But, I feel it's because of me, and who I am, that no one cares about me. I want to die because it feels like it's me against everyone else.

I've tried to get help, but have no insurance. I know I need meds, but can't get them. I don't know what to do at this point. All I know is I am tired of the suffering, and I want a way out. I don't want to live having to be reminded that I no longer can be me nor have my life. It feels like I have to live how others want me to live and it's not fair. I have not committed any crimes, so why shouldn't I be free to live how I want?

I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to vent here. I don't have anyone who will listen to me, so I thank all that read.
Reply
 
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sheswounded replied to chez1's response:
Hi Chez1, thank you for responding, and for your support.

You're right, I do need to get some help, probably both medication and counseling. I will certainly check out the link you have provided, and go from there.

Thanks again,
Wounded
 
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GiGi1984 responded:
Dear sheswounded
I may not have many answers for you but I am an old pro at apologies. I was taught that if I do something wrong to make a prompt and sincere apology. Take responsibilty for my actions but only MY actions and then move on with a clear conscience. None of us are perfect and I have definatley not always been the person I should have been but that does not matter today. Everyday I get to make the chjoice to do the next right thing and let the chips fall where they may. You are not a bad person. Perhaps taking a different view may help: only strong people have the ability to say they are sorry. PLease keep posting because we care about you.
 
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skkingofhearts responded:
Hi, sheswounded.

When I was about your age I went through a similar process with my parents. I know I made a lot of mistakes growing up, I married a woman they didn't approve of, I placed a lot of blame on them from when I was younger than that. I never got recognition or support from them in anything I did: the jobs I had, my marriage, not even when my wife and I found out we were having a baby. Nothing ever seemed to matter and nothing was ever positive.

One day, though, I got the "apology bug." I felt this overwhelming need to own up to all my past transgressions and I apologized to all the people I could, including my parents, for being the person I had been and the problems I caused. In my parent's case I also told them how much I loved them. After that, though, I let things take their course. I was determined to go on whether they were with me or not because, let's face it, they hadn't really been there for me the past several years anyway. But that apology changed things between us. Sure, we weren't, and still aren't, as close as we had been when I was growing up, but my relationship with my dad improved unbelievably. My mom and I talk now, though.

You feel like no one has your corner, I understand that too. My wife ended up being the wrong person for me after all (I hate it when my parents are right), and after being with her for 13 years a lot of my identity was tied to her. Most of our friends were her friends, and even after all the grief my parents gave me while we were together still visit with her. I had no one. I had to move on anyway, I had children after all. So I lived day to day, week to week, just for them. Eventually life got better, and I got found by a great woman who helped me stand back up, who taught me how to be me and not just someone else's personality.

You said you've asked for forgiveness...good. The answers that come may not be those we want, but they still help define us. The fact that you had the want and the courage to ask is character-defining. My point is that it isn't easy, and it may not change your relationship with your parents, but it will clear your conscience. Once that is done, focus on your life. As long as the way you want to live your life isn't harmful to yourself or others, then you shouldn't be restricted in how you live it. Live your life, choose what life that is and live it, the rest will come to you.
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi sheswounded -

Checking in on you - please let us know how you're doing and know that this community is here for venting - or anything else.

I do hope you've explored meds or counseling in the last few days!

H
 
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sheswounded replied to GiGi1984's response:
Hi GiGi,



Thank you for responding to my post. I really like the idea of trying to look at things from a different perspective. I know that my thinking is very distorted at the moment, but I am relentless in my search for help, so that I can recover...hopefully.

Regarding apologies, I think it's great that you can own up to your wrongdoings, and then move forward with your life. Me, I'm struggling with this a bit. I can't seem to move on even though I have forgiven myself for anything I've done wrong, and have been sincere in my apologoes to others I have wronged. But, I still feel that others are punishing me in a variety of ways. It could just be the way that I think, I don't know. But, that's why I'm looking for help. I see that I have a problem, and I am desperately trying to fix it, but I do believe that I will need a lot of therapy.

Well, thanks again for your comment. I really appreciate it.

Wounded
 
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sheswounded replied to skkingofhearts's response:
Hi, skkingofhearts,

Thanks so much for responding to my post and sharing some of your story with me. I think it's great that you were able to be the bigger person and do the right thing by apologizing to those you have wronged. It's not always easy, but I do believe in sincere apologies and owning up to what I have done wrong. Unfortunately, in my case, it just doesn't seem that anyone really cares about my feeling remorseful. Everyone, including my family is so distant with me. They don't seem to see it as a problem, so it all just makes me question myself, like, am I crazy or am I right when I feel they still hold a grudge against me. I get so confused. I know that I have not been perfect, and I know that I have not always done the right things. Sometimes, I just apologize for anything, not even knowing what it is I did wrong or what I'm apologizing for. I think I just want to be accpted, forgiven, and if not, then I would rather just walk away. But, I don't want to walk away and then later find out that I was the one who was wrong for doing so.

I do feel lik no one is in my corner, and it's true, I have no one. It makes me feel like a bad person, or that I am someone that people, including my family, don't like to be around. Thinking about this day after day is making me crazy. I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong. I don't know what it is that I need to change about myself. I've tried everything to no avail.

So, I'm here now, depressed more than ever. There have been so many things that have led to my depression, and hopefully I will get to share some more of my story here on the site. I know that I need help because I am breaking down. I am nothing anymore and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't receive the help that I need.

Well, thanks again for your support. I do appreciate it.

Wounded
 
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sheswounded replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
Hi Haylen,

Thanks for responding to my post. I actually have looked into therapy and meds as well, but I have not been successful in establishing any type of ongoing treatment. I am determined, however, to fight this, so I will keep searching.

Thank you,

Wounded
 
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skkingofhearts replied to sheswounded's response:
Wounded,

I understand about apologizing for everything. I often reply with a "sorry" for about anything. Like, say, my wife says she forgot apples at the store, I say "sorry." It's not an official apology, but "sorry" is like a cover-all. You said you "apologize for for anything, not even knowing what (you) did wrong or what for." I think we'd have to know more about you to find out why that is. For me, I am the oldest child and my mom relied on me a lot from a very very young age to help around the house and for me to take care of my siblings. Because of that I tend to take the weight of everything on my shoulders unnecessarily, and end up being everyone's "dad." Maybe you were always made to feel inadequate growing up? I don't know, but being accepted, especially by our parents, when we haven't had a lot of acknowledgement or acceptance (if any) can be a powerful driving force.

Have you tried talking to your parents about these feelings of wrong-doing and forgiveness? When I was first separated from my now ex-wife it seemed to me my parents took her side over mine. They had hated her our entire relationship, only coming to like her at the end. Perfect timing, huh? The problems we had were, in my opinion, no one's business. I wasn't sharing, but she was. She was always the type of person to sew seeds of alliance as soon as possible. A year afterwards my dad, who never gets involved in people's affairs, said something off-handed to me about our split up. I had had all these feelings of abandonment, hurt over them taking her over me, on top of all the feelings of 13 years of happiness coming to an end and not being around my children full-time, then he says something. I related all of my feelings to him, especially emphasizing how betrayed I felt. He listened and I found out he had no idea about my feelings, that my not sharing anything indicated to him that I just didn't care. He told me that "his generation" just wasn't the type of people to talk about their feelings with their parents and stuff. My opening up to them really helped our situation out. This was almost 2 years after the mass apology I sent out.

I am sympathetic to your situation, about feeling like no one is in your corner, and feeling like no one wants to be around you. It is daunting sometimes, to have few if any friends. I usually come off as a very arrogant person, making people feel like they aren't smart enough to be around me, isolating me from others. The trick is to be self-reliant. It can be a lonely road at first, and having a support group like this along with seeking help for the depression helps out, but surviving that loneliness makes you more independent which, in turn, helps you to attract a different breed of person to you. This new batch of friends you find will be closer to who you become, an independent butterfly from the cocoon of isolation, and a start to a happier time. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.

Please feel free to share your experiences. Sometimes the best medicine is just getting all that internal poison out, breathing in the new air of outside points of views. When you're sharing your problems you might connect to someone going through the same thing. You never know, you just may help someone else, or them you, by sharing a solution the other never thought of.

Keep talking. Keep living on. Talk later...

skkingofhearts
 
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bornagain216 replied to skkingofhearts's response:
I don't know if this is an option for you, but if you go to the Emergency Room and tell them you're suicidal, they have to treat you. They'd probably hold you for 72 hours, but during that time they'd get you set up on meds, a therapist and funding for both. It's worth a try.

Please don't give up.

Born
 
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bornagain216 replied to bornagain216's response:
ooops, I meant this for Wounded...sorry
 
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sheswounded replied to skkingofhearts's response:
Skkingofheats,

I can't say with certainty that I was made to "feel" inadequate growing up. However, I do know that growing up, I always felt inadequate, different, less than everyone else around me, and just not good enough in general. As a child, I never thought much into this. And now, as an adult, these feelings of inadequacy still trouble me. I have some idea as to how it all began, but I can never be sure. I was sexually abused as a child, and my school life was very very difficult. So, I sometimes wonder if either of these factors has contributed to my lack of self-esteem. Or, if I am the way that I am just because.

I can certainly relate to feeling abandoned and betrayed. But, in your case, I think you did the right thing by expressing your feelings with your father. This is something I could never do with my own mother, as I have also been the person who has abandoned her at one point. Not purposefully, but I did so none the less. So, even though I do feel abandoned and betrayed by her, I could never criticize her for something I have also done.

You said that your father told you that his generation was not the type to talk about feelings, or something along those lines. I think that my mother would also agree with this about her generation. Growing up, I do remember my mom talking about her feelings, or her fears, or joys, etc. But, I think there were certain topics that she was reluctant to discuss. (I could be wrong though) For me, I held everything in. I was going through hell at my elementary school. But, I never told my mom about it. I never talked about my hurts, worries, fears, nothing. This all affected me greatly when I started to date, as I didn't know how to express myself.

I have not discussed everything that I am feeling with my mother. Sometimes I want to, but I know that she has her own health issues to deal with. I have, however, mentioned things to her in the past, but we never get anywhere in the conversation. I do feel that she does not forgive me, or accept me. I feel unloved as well. Not just by her, but by many. I am isolated from everyone, and it just makes me feel like I've done something wrong, or like I'm not that interesting to be around. If I had one person, just one person who supported me, believed in me, then I don't think I would spend so much time worrying about why some people don't like me. But, when you have no one, and even the relationships with your family have become strained, you can't help but think that it's you. At least that's how it is for me. I just don't know what else to do.

People say, you must first love yourself before anyone else can love you. But, if a person has never learned how to love him/herself, and has no one in their life that understands them or sees anything good in them, then how can one even begin to love him/herself? I just can't do it. I feel like a bad person who is undeserving of love, friendship, or anything good in life.

I've got issues that have been present for so many years. But, I've spent over 6 years trying to work on rebuilding my life, yet nothing good has come of it. My past relationships are still strained. My life appears to be getting worse, despite all I've done to improve things, improve me. I feel like this is it for me. Like no matter what I do, I'll never get beyond where I'm at right now. I'm getting older, and really just feel that I am too old to start a life that should have begun 10 years ago. I feel like people want to see me fail. Like they don't want anything to go well for me. So, all of this, among other things, is why my depression is so severe. I honestly feel like I am losing it. I feel so lost, scared, confused, hopeless, and helpless.

I'm here now, and I am reaching out for support. And, I am so appreciative of everyone who has offered me their support, advice, and encouragement, including you. I'm very happy to be here.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me.
 
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sheswounded replied to bornagain216's response:
Hi, bornagain,

Thank you for informing me of this. I'm doing a bit better at the moment. I'm not suicidal, however, I get into these dark places, and I just feel like I lose my will to live. I'd never do anything to end my life, but I do get tired. I think the answer for me is medication, but I'm having a hard time getting the ball rolling. I'm hoping this changes soon!

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I appreciate it.

Wounded
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to sheswounded's response:
(((hugs))) to you wounded!

I hope you are able to roll that ball and stay out of the dark places. Please let us know if you need links to resources or other information that can support you at this time.

Haylen


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