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    Husband and Son depressed
    Mumsy51 posted:
    This is my very first post and I am so glad that I am finally beginning to join a discussion group that really hits home! My husband of 34 years was diagnosed with prostate cancer 10 years ago and is still hanging in there with a new clinical trial. He has been depressed for the past 8 years even after seeing psychiatrists and taking meds. He does not see anyone currently but is on some meds. Also, my 29 year old son has been living with us for the past 5 years with past substance abuse ADD, OCD and depression. He has seen a couple of psychiatrists but now refuses and believes that he would be fine if he could just travel. My main problem with all of this is that my husband and son both are not only verbally abusive and angry to each other, but have put me in the position of being the "bad guy". According to them, I am never compassionate enough, never loving enough, never at home enough, don't do enough, etc. even though I am the sole caretaker for them both. My son is not capable of living on his own and of course, we cannot demand that he seek help. We have tried that before but it always ends up with him refusing. Our daily lives are pure hell and misery. Forget counseling as a family - they won't even discuss it. I am trying desperately to not fall down the rabbit hole as I see a therapist from time to time but things never change and I am left feeling hopeless. The only positives in my day are taking care of my 2 grandsons from time to time (my daughter's) and leaving the house for that! Forget the rest of the family understanding any of this . My husband's family is only concerned about him and don't suspect any verbal abuse from him since he is always cheery when speaking to them. His moods change in an instant. My son and husband need to be separated but things are so complicated not even my therapist can guide me in the right direction. Any thoughts?
    Demons2011 responded:
    Mumsy, you certainly are in a difficult spot. As a male, you are being abused by son and husband. Perhaps a time out from them would be huge help to you and them. They might realize you are the glue which holds them together. That might not be the best thing holding them together. At least not until they wake up on what they are doing to you.
    GiGi1984 responded:
    Hi Mumsy
    I am sorry that you are struggling and stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    I too live with a husband suffering from depression and have had to lay down strict rules regarding how I will and won't be talked to. I understand that he is suffering but I am not a scape goat to be treated poorly because he is depressed. Just because I love him and won't leave does not meen he has the right to take his anger and frustration out on me. I simply walk away or turn and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable.

    Have you considered a half-way house for your son? I know it is a big step but I have a nephew who is thriving in one and his mother is no longer living under his dark cloud.

    Please keep posting because when you share your life with us I know that I am not alone. HUGS.
    itmatsb responded:
    You have gotten excellent advice from all three of the above responses. I hope that you will take their advice very seriously. You definately need to set boundaries on your husband's behavior towards you. If he can't be better, you should really consider leaving the home for awhile.

    Also your son should absolutely not be living with you. It is upsetting to you and also making your husband more miserable. Look into the half-way house or some other alternative living arrangement. Call your local or country social services agency to find out about options.

    You will drive yourself crazy to stay in your situation as it is. You deserve better. And your caretaking is not helping your husband or your son, as you can clearly see. So don't continue it unless the circumstances change substantially.

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