Depression Community

I am not normally the type of person to yak about my problems to strangers. I talk about my feelings with my wife, all my feelings, and I am lucky that she is helpful, loving, and supportive, but there comes a time when you need some outside source of input. For many years, more than a decade, I have felt like I might need help, but never so much as recently. I am living like a recluse, not wanting to leave the house for anything. I do, obviously, for important things like taking kids to school, or to the doctor. I even have a day when I go spend some time with my dad and a couple of friends. Other than that I never want to leave.

I don't really know what to say from here. Like I said, I'm not really accustomed to talking about my problems with people... As much as I am reclusive, I don't want to be in my house anymore, at least not THIS house. I feel trapped here. We are under a mountain of debt after lay-offs, trying to get back on our feet but with impending shut-off notices and the threat of eviction looming. There is no help for us anywhere, and the recent income we have started earning is only a fraction of the income we had before lay-offs, when money was even tight then.

On top of those issues the house is going into disarray. I have 3 young children - 5 and under - as well as three teenagers from a previous marriage. The teens come over sporadically, choosing their own schedule between here and mom's. No one seems to want to help with the house work, and filth just seems to keep piling up. I always have to clean up after everyone. I know it seems like a trifling problem, one I know many housewives have had to put up with for ages, but I am not used to this kind of behavior. My family always cleaned up after themselves and helped upkeep the home. When my wife and I met she was always immaculate, to the point of OCD, but for the past year or so it seems like I am the only one who cares about picking up. Even simple things like throwing an empty mac-n-cheese box into the recycle bin, instead of leaving it sit on the counter just three feet from it, go undone. And as many times as I ask, or point it out, it remains a kind of joke. With the whole lot being reluctant to help out with household upkeep I have thrown in the towel myself...I don't even want to do anything more than sustain myself because taking care of every single person as if they're as incapable as the youngest children is just too much.

Cleanliness isn't the sole point of my depression, there are many factors including, but not limited to, not being where I want to be in life, not feeling good enough about my skills and talents, anxiety stemming from problems occurring in my sister's family, and my own weight. I have always been overweight, but have maintained about the same consistent weight for the last 14 years, give or take 10 pounds, but the past couple months - during the hardest bout of this depression - I have gained a lot of weight. My sleeping pattern is out of control, too. I have never needed a lot of sleep. For the past 15 years or more I have only needed/gotten about 4-5 hours of sleep a night, even less if I needed to work hard. I could go a day or more with no sleep and recharge after my normal night. Lately I have stayed up all night long only napping a couple hours in the early afternoon. Just the other day, though, I felt bad and laid down for 18 hours straight, only to stay up for the next 26, then leveled off into a normal-person's pattern - from about 10 or 11 until 6.

Anxiety is making me feel more helpless and hopeless. Every time I think about one of my problems my chest tightens and I just want to go to sleep. I don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I don't "seriously" consider suicide as a viable option, but I joke about "just going away" sometimes, though there isn't really a planned destination.

I don't know what I expect, if anything, but I need to get a dialogue going with SOMEONE...

Thanks for listening.