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Not doin good...
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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I just dont feel like I am doing well.
I have developed alot of coping skills, I have learned as much as I can about depression, symptoms.
What about when I am at work and my boss will not allow me to do the things I like to do to make myself feel better?
I am always getting in trouble for everything it feels like.
I am so stressed out with my own work, and it feels like people are just kicking me while im down. Telling me its my fault we are out of flu-shot, when its not, getting mad over stupid things, like ordering a different kind of hand sanitizer for an employee because shes allergic to the other one. I dont see a problem with making accomodations for people so that they can be happy, but just because Im not the "boss" I get crap over it, and it makes me so mad I want to pull my hair out, and throw a rotten can of worms in all of their offices and tell them to kiss my grits Im outta here!
I wanted to cry earlier, luckily I was distracted out of my bad mood, by an old man who must have been able to tell I was having a bad day. He didnt stop making jokes until I laughed.
On Monday I had an all out panic attack. And I hate them more then anything. It makes me feel like the weakest person ever when I have a panic attack, a self-induced panic attack at that.
My fiance told me I was being negative. I was. I felt as if I couldnt help the negative thoughts flooding in. I tried to hum, I tried to do laundry, I tried to have a cigarette, I tried texting my best friend, but I burst into tears finally, and I couldnt breathe, I was gasping for air, my head felt like it could pop, my face was red and I was sweating, heart pounding, just really upset and wound up, just over thoughts in my head.
I kept telling mself I was being stupid because my dad called and was really rude with me on the phone, and hung up on me before I could say goodbye. I dont know why he has to be that way, just because I left my rabbit in the backyard! I really dont like it when men talk to me in a dominating harsh tone. It makes me feel small and useless. I was so mad I threw my phone and shouted whatever! And my fiance told me "whats your deal!" I said dont YELL at me! God cant we just talk nicely in my house?! so I went in my room and kept thinking I was being a big baby and should get over myself. I told myself I was strong and should get over this, then I thought the only men who have ever told me I was strong only said it because they wanted to get in my pants. I started thinking all kinds of terrible things about men just wanting to get in my pants. I thought of old ex boyfriends who are long gone that treated me bad and let that bother me... I just cried and cried, and it took me about 3 hours to feel better after crying too.But I was fine before his phone call...
I told my fiance I was sorry I am wierd. I can tell he was really confused, and doesnt know what a panic attack is. I tried to explain it to him, but I was too upset to talk, I just kept choking and coughing tearfully. He held me in his arms and finally told me I would be ok...

I have been on 100 mg of sertraline for I dont know how long... 6 months 8? not sure. But I havent thought it was working that great last time I saw my pdoc, she told me to "tough it out"
Well guess what pdoc, I am not tough enough to tough this out. With the addition of birth control pills I am confused whether I am going crazy or if my hormones have just gone crazy. I am debating calling my OB or giving myself at least a month on the pills before I give up on them, cause its only been 3 weeks, but I swear my acne is just getting worse, and NOT doing the worse before its better thing, just getting worse. And thats what I am taking it for, my acne.
I feel so ugly, I just want to put a paper bag on my head or hide under a blanket and for no one to see me til my skin heals. And bad hair days galore!
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lissmeanstrouble responded:
Ugh taking on a step daughter that excessively cries is a tough thing to do...
I feel bad for how annoyed with her and how much sympathy I lacked for her 2 hour long drama session she threw over my rabbit scratching her arm. She is 9 years old and the screaming and crying that comes from her, you'd have thought she was 5 years old, or that the rabbit had eaten a finger.
There was not even broken skin, and I got a cold rag and washed her arm and put a dab of neosporin to kill any germs and she still pouted and whimpered for about an hour and a half...
I know im not her mommy, but her dad told her to be a big girl and that the rabbit didnt even hurt her. I also warned her several times that would happen if she didnt put him down.

That wasnt the end of it she had about 5 more crying sessions that literally come from no where and are loud and ridiculous right from the start.

I really dislike her behavior, but I dont have any idea what to do about it.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
No one can ever talk when I need to talk. My pdoc never has appts open, and when an appt comes up, I am not in distress and can not evaluate how I felt cause I no longer feel that way...
My mom doesnt care about me.
My fiance is a man. He tries to understand, but he is a simple creature (man) and so is my dad (manly mans man) Hell they are both captain manly mens.
My brother is also a man, and has his own issues.
My best friends (3 of them) that listen to me are bipolar. They advise I go off the med like them, but I see that they are on some serious emotional roller coasters themselves...
My best best friend lives in Washington and is too far away for hugs and girl nights when needed.

I am scared and upset and keep having bad bad thoughts and I dont really know why. I think my meds are not working for me anymore though.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I just want to say thank you to folks who have helped me in the past... I know I am talking to the wall here but whatever helps, helps right?
Thank you SusieMargaret, who corresponded with me for almost 2 years.
Thank you alaskamommy,chez1, jeune, and itmatsb.

Thank you anyone else who is there.
 
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deasertrose replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Dear lissmeanstrouble
I'm sorry you are having so many problems. You need to find a pdoc that you will like and will help you. Don't stop your meds before you see someone. I suffer from server depression, panic attacks and suicidal ideation. I've been on many meds for years now. I keep trying to stop taking them but it makes me real sick. Do you have a therapist? Someone neutral is really good. I have a pdoc (who is on maternity leave so I don't have a doc for awhile) and a therapist. But things can suck with the help. I don't know what to say about the step daughter. I have three daughters but they were pretty good all their life. Right now I wish I had a friend someone I could finally confide in. But that will never happen.
I know about the bad thoughts. I've been having some real bad. I have a plan and everything but I don't have a day yet. I hope in some way I've given you some thoughts on getting help. Maybe somebody who isn't screwed up as me can help you better. I'm sorry if I scared you or gave you any wrong ideas just take care of yourself and keep reaching out here.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to deasertrose's response:
You didnt scare me.
I dont plan on quitting my meds. I guess I just wanted to talk and felt like letting it out.

I had a blowout with a co-worker yesterday and got sent home.
I am really tired of grown women acting like they are still in high school.
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Hey lissmeanstrouble!

I'm sorry I just saw this post - sending you (((Hugs))) and a HUGE thank you for being a great member of this community. I've noticed that all of my communities are a little slow lately - maybe it's just a crazy busy time of the year for everyone? Time seems to speed up October 1st for me and before I know it, it's a new year.

Co-worker blowout! Oh no! Isn't it crazy when grown-ups act crazy immature? As a mom, it always makes me think "how the heck were they parented?"

Please keep posting here and letting it out....

Haylen

p.s. I have an almost 8 year old drama queen. Visit the parenting communities here and you'll quickly see that becoming impatient and annoyed when a kid is blowing stuff out of proportion is completely appropriate!
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
I am not as worried about the step daughter today as I was. I have swallowed alot of that anxiety and put it aside. She will adjust...

The conflict with my co-workers was really hard to deal with, we had a meeting last night, and these girls banded together to lie straight faced to my boss, that it was not intended to be bashing me by mocking me in the elevator behind my back, nah, they "love" me too much to ever have a bashing conversation, they were just frustrated with the situation. My other co-worker who is just temporary shook her head and argued that she was there, and that they were being viscious, and she feels like I am being bullied by them and thats why she spoke up because she didnt think it was right.
She is really nice, Ive never heard a rude or judgemental thought come out of her mouth. But I swear last night made us feel as if the whole thing got turned around back on us. She doesnt wanna come work with us anymore. Their viscious trash talking has chased away yet another cover girl.

I told them that when they go behind my back and say things like that it makes me feel uncomfortable to go to them if I have a work related issue, or that I can not trust them to do what they can to help me, make me feel unwanted, and stupid. I told them if they didnt mean to bash me I must be really insecure and that Ill try my best to get over it.

My boss told me that people may treat me the way they do because I am whiney and immature. This, made me very upset, I started crying, and told her she had deeply offended me. I do not want to lose my job and struggle with out money, but I am struggling to keep my emotional cool. I get so wound up I cant breathe I have a panic attack and (TRIGGER) actually feel as I wouldnt mind if I stopped breathing all together. Then she told me that its hard to hear the truth some times, and I need to work on behaving like a grown up instead of providing comic relief.
I felt like arguing that its not fair to suggest I try to change an aspect of my personality just because some one I work with doesnt like me, that they should respect me or not talk about me simple as that. But any time I argue with my boss she finds a way to tell me why I am wrong so I just stayed quiet...

She also suggested I find a new job if I am unhappy with the way I am being treated. I told her that I plan to.

I have been searching again today, unfortunately I do not have my resume on me to actually apply for anything, but I am trying to stay positive at the possibility of finding a new job and new friends and new experiences.

It started snowing here today, and its really cold. My fiance went duck hunting. I think hes crazy! I am excited for the weekend, I think he is going to take me on a date. I think Ill have dinner with one of my girlfriends tonight and try to stay warm.
 
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susiemargaret replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
hello, melissa --

i'm still here. my moods have been up and down quite a lot lately, plus some medical problems seem to be getting complicated (i think i'm doing better, but it's hard to tell, and if i'm not getting better, i'm afraid i'll get really worse, i know that doesn't make much sense), so i've not been writing very much. but i am still here for you, and i've been listening.

it is very late here, so let me write more tomorrow afternoon. i send many caring thoughts from my heart in the meantime and will send more tomorrow.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to susiemargaret's response:
Im doing much better this week, Im so glad to hear from you Susie, I was hoping you were doing ok! I am so very sorry that you are having worsening medical issues! All of my patients at work tell me not to get old, and I havent found the fountain of youth yet, or I would tell you where to find it!
Very glad to hear from you, and know your doing ok, when some one is absent you get to worrying about them...

Things are pretty good though, really. I just need to keep working on life style changes that will reduce stress and make me feel healthy.
I notice that other peoples children can stress me out alot. My friend has this son, who drives me crazy. I cant say that I dont like him, but im getting there. I let him borrow some nintendo games once after he begged and begged and begged. Most kids would be so excited! He acted as if he was entitled to my games, and when I asked for them back he said he didnt have them, so his mother and I had to look through his back pack and find them so I could take them home, and he got mad and didnt even say thank you for letting me borrow them. My friend tries to get after him for his behavior, but it really goes in one ear and out the other. He just doesnt listen. They came to my house last night, and he made me so so so so mad, I just cant stop thinking about what a brat he is. He blew my computer speakers, cause he kept turning up the volume when I would go in my bedroom as if I cant hear the radio from the next room. Then he told his mom to HOLD ON when she and all the other kids were leaving. So I told him he better listen to his mom and get out of my house. I love my friend to death, but I dont think I like her son very much, and I would rather she not bring him over. Thats a hard situation because... hes her kid. Cant very well ask her to just leave him behind, shed probably feel like she just wont come over at all, im sure shed be offended. He is also a compulsive little liar he is 8 or 9 years old... hes always blaming things on his step sister, or well all be watching TV and this kid tells everyone "oh see that guy on TV! He is my school janitor!" Oh see that girl on TV? She is in my class at school. My teacher is related to that guy (were watching friends)" I highly doubt he knows anyone on TV cause the only time ive seen some one I know on TV was when it was local news and some ones house burned down. Everyone just ignores him but he keeps talking about it, hell even run up to the TV and point. Im like what is wrong with this little kid, he lies too much.
 
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itmatsb replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Way back you said that when you have appointments with your pdoc, you can't remember what was wrong. I would strongly urge you to journal your feelings at the time, so that you can describe them to the doc.

As far as your feelings about the son of your friend, he does sound like quite a problem. Perhaps you can meet your friend at a public place to have "coffee". Then your home and surroundings are not at risk.

And the way you describe your fiance's 9 year old also sounds like she has a real problem, but you can only suggest that she get help, but you will have no control with her. Take that into consideration in your plans to marry your fiance.

Also hope that you can find a better job. It's nice that the one person stuck up for you, but workplaces take on a personality, generally of the one at the top. Good luck to you.
 
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susiemargaret replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
hello, melissa --

well, obviously, i didn't get back to you the day after my previous message, but here i am tonight!

i'm glad that things seem to be better this week. since you wrote about your relationships with children, i want to make just a few comments. i do not have any children of my own but had stepchildren during my second marriage -- a stepson who lived with us from age 12 to age 17 and a slightly older stepdaughter who lived with her mother. i can say without one bit of hesitation that learning to work out a relationship with my stepson was among the very hardest experiences -- maybe the very hardest -- of my entire life.

with your stepdaughter being nine yrs old, i think it is futile to try to distinguish what is typical nine-yr-old drama-queen behavior from what is being prompted by her completely predictable resentment and fear of your arrival and influence in your fiance's life. my guess is that they are inseparable in these circumstances. she is scared that now there won't be enough love or attention to go around, in other words, that if he loves you, he will love her less or might even quit loving her.

therefore my first suggestion is that you encourage your fiance to spend dedicated, predictable, and regular time with your stepdaughter in activities that involve only the two of them. maybe they could have dinner out twice a week and/or spend sunday afternoons together.

if this means you have to go somewhere else for several hrs, then it does. you say, "she will adjust," but she is not the only one who will have to adjust to accommodate serious changes in their life. it is absolutely critical that the times when all three of you are present are not the only times your stepdaughter gets to be with your fiance. (likewise, it is absolutely critical that the times when all three of you are present are not the only ones you get to be with your fiance.)

in addition, your fiance has to make it clear to your stepdaughter that she has to respect your presence in his life, whether or not she likes you or likes what you say. this is not a problem that can be resolved unless your fiance commits himself to resolving it and is consistent in his response when delicate situations arise. you and your fiance may want to consider getting some joint counseling on ways he can do this.

finally, i saw that you posted in the community for parents of children of elementary-school age as well. good plan! you might also want to check out the general parenting community, http://exchanges.webmd.com/parenting-exchange , which has an expert on-board.

i send many caring thoughts to you, your fiance, your stepdaughter, and the rest of your family. my greatest concern right now, however, is for you, so let me ask two quick Qs before i say "good night."

first, are you getting any "alone" time for yourself? second, if you think your meds are no longer working or are not working as well as they should, when are you going to do something about that?

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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Demons2011 replied to chez1's response:
Hoping you start feeling better soon Susie Margaret.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to susiemargaret's response:
Susie, you are not the first friend to ask if I have made time for myself.
I have had plenty of time for myself. But its not ever planned time, its always time that happens because plans dont go as planned, so time alone gets spent doing not much of anything, for not knowing how much time alone I will have, and not having been prepared for it. If thats make much sense...

I fully agree with you advice on leaving for several hours at a time to let his daughter spend time with him. I am the daughter of a divorced man, who dated alot of pushy females when I was around 9-12. So when his daughter comes over, I am extremely absent from the entire situation, and she opens up more, and at the same time is getting more comfortable with me. Ill leave with a friend to have coffee at starbucks or go shopping. Or I will go in the back yard and have a cigarette and chase my rabbit around for a while. I know shes come to visit her daddy, not me.
I do believe that having step-children will be quite the challenge, but I am so in love, and feel so right, Im sure its well worth the challenge.

So... I just had an idea this morning that I have not seriously entertained before. But my mind has been running away with it today. Next year I will have my car paid off. As of now, the only bills I HAVE TO pay are my car insurance and car payment. Once my car is paid off, I basically have no financial responsibility. I could decide to go on unemployment, and quit my job and rely on my fiance to drive me if I needed to go some where. Cancel my car insurance until I am ready to work again. This would be completely temporary. I have often dreamed of being able to take a few months off from working, and the way that I am seeing it, I can actually afford to do so in the near future. My fiance and I are currently living with my dad, my fiance has to pay rent, and I dont...
Ill have to finish this later.


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