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help me to deal with my self
An_248628 posted:
thing this life is so unfair. when i went to the club, i'd met a guy which only like to play me. not even serious. i think, they were close to me because of my body. i'm not saying that i am sexy, but i do take care of myself. even im not pretty. they make me feel the feeling but not really experience it. i went to club because i want to enjoy myself and forget about man. why do i have to feel this way if it's not meant for me. back on a few years ago (about 6 years), i have real close phone relationship with someone. everyday, we talked (barely text), b'coz he hav a part time job and earn money everyday (even not that much) in about 2 yrs, we kept calling to each other. until one day, i realized that we should met, so, i dont hav to doubt on his feeling towards me. ( he said he liked me) i dont really trust him, but the way we contact was quite touched me somehow. he spent most of his phone bills (about 70% per month) for called me. then, i asked him to know me.the real me. as expected, he didn't like me. Why? b'coz i'm not pretty, ugly and one-side of my face was imperfect. this is all because i was born this way and had a surgery at year 1. yet, people around me still sincerely be friended to me. i've shown myself to him, yet, he didn't. he just look at me from far away. i knew that he hav seen me that day. then, at the night, i asked him to confirm whether he'd seen me or not. he lied to me and said that, he didn't see me at all.(but from the situation back there, i knew he had seen me). normally, he would called me everyday even for 10 minutes(but most of the time, we talked more than 1 hour), or once in a 2 days. since the day (where we actually hav to meet/in january),he barely called me or even text me.from once in 3 days to once within a week.then, twice in a month. i'm the only one who always call him. i can't blame him caused i've once told him that, if he doesn't like me after see my appearance, just leave me quietly, and dont ever2 contact me. i tried to understand the situation, but then, if i didn't contact him, he called me. he made me confuse and it's hurt so much. it continued for almost 4 months. in May, i got accepted into college and hav to leave my home town. i was so happy that time, not because of the acceptance, we also hav talked like there's nothing ever happen between us. we talked like when the first we known to each other. after 2 weeks later, he told me that he saw me.he knew how does me looked like. and he even surprised me by sent his picture to his email to let me saw his face. he gave me his yahoo email address as well as his password. instead of asking mine, he gave his own. back there, i was so nervous and shamed on myself. i don't even hav a self confident to talked to him anymore. once he told me that, he had saw me by his own words (eventhough i knew), i felt terribly ashamed and without realising said 'goodbye' to him. 'goodbye forever'. my phone out of credit and he just text me said that ' it's up to you and i can't push u's ur decision).after that, we only hav contact a few times. the last 3 years, we've lost contact until now. change my number.i never tried to contact him though.but im always look him from far away. i tried to open his ymail,once after a long time, he nver changed the password and the id. after a long time, i even delete the email which hav his nmber that he once sent his picture with.i dont really know whether he realize or not.i knew this is wrong, i checked his email quite often eventhough there is nothing special there. i just want to know.(i also don't know why i kept doing it).most of the folders were empty except the inbox. he cleaned everything there.but suddenly, a few days ago,i saw his resume attached to a sent item.and i took it.yes, i'm wrong but still..i can't stand myself. i got his phone number again.but,i dont dare to contact him even for a text.what should i do?i think i was like this b'coz of the loneliness inside my heart.isn't it?

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i've met with some church group, but i cant get into them. and im not that cnfdent to make frien wif them. i rather talk to a drunk pple than those kind of group.i just don't really like to see their look on me to deal with my own thought here.i was sink in my own world.
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itmatsb responded:
You really need to get therapy. YOU ended the relationship after he gave you his email address and password! And it was just out of your self hatred. And now you are stalking him electronically. You changed your number so that he couldn't contact you. You've had no contact with him for the last 3 years! Look elsewhere for a friend. But be sure to get therapy to help your self confidence.
emptyL replied to itmatsb's response:
hi there,
thanks for your valuable time spent reading my post.
that's why i'm coming to this web. i just need some advices to encourage myself to a better way. i got many friends here. but still, not all the friends can we talk about our problem isn't it?
itmatsb replied to emptyL's response:
You really can get better. Your response shows that you can. If your appearance still bothers you so much, maybe you could get plastic surgery. But as you said, it has not been in the way with your friendships. You should be able to meet a nice man as you are. I really hope that you will get the therapy that can help you with your self-image--both physically and emotionally. Also an anti-depressant might help you with the "loneliness inside my heart" that you mentioned. Don't necessarily rule it out. You might talk to your doctor about it. Anti-depressants have really helped me. Take care.
emptyL replied to itmatsb's response:
ok thanx....
i will try it out later.....
may God blees u
Roy2dep responded:
I think you need to let him go and find someone who is older.We all gain weight and get ugly and lean it's what's inside that counts.Learn to love yourself don't feel so down about your face someone who really loves you will see right past it.Go see a physiotherapist and work on your self esteem.You'll find mister right once you love yourself.
itmatsb replied to emptyL's response:
Roy2dep has very good advice for you. The only thing that I would say, is that anyone of any age could be appropriate for you, but someone older may be wiser. Wish you the best.
emptyL replied to Roy2dep's response:
thanx for this advice....i will try it out....actually, i'm tired of being so down and only think of these appearances, tired of thinking others thought of me, tired of everything....i should move on...forget about my past and try something new...thanks a bunch guys...

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