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My husband is depressed, I am nearly 9 months pregnant, I don't know what to do!
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Howcanihelphim posted:
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2 and I am 35 weeks pregnant with our 1st child.

For months he has been getting more and more detached. 2 weeks ago he finally told me that he wasn't happy in our relationship, that he was thinking about leaving me, that he feels that the life we have is actually not the one he wants (house, marriage, baby) and that he is in love with someone else. He swears he hasn't done anything about it, apparently she doesn't know.

He keeps telling me he loves me, he wants to be here for the baby, although he doesn't see much hope in a future with me he will stay until the baby is born and we can figure things out then.

I have known for years that he is depressed, but every time I have suggested therapy, he says no. We are now going to couples therapy, but he really needs to go on his own. Tonight he really scared me because he told me that after work, all he wanted to do is disappear. He wanted to go somewhere and turn his phone off and be away from everything and everyone. When I asked him if he was thinking about hurting himself he said yes.

Yeaterday in our antenatal class, the subject was depression. when i pointed out that he had a majority of those symptoms he realised i was right. I tried to tell him this was very serious and he needs help. He accepted to go to a therapist as long as I made the 1st appointment. I reluctantly agreed because I think he should make that phone call, but he said that was the only way he would go.

I don't know what to do, how to help him, how to protect myself and my unborn child, how to react when he tells me he loves me but he is in love with someone else, how to deal with his cute depression. I tried to tell him that I want to be there for him as much as I can, that a lot of people love him and are worried about him, that I am not angry with him because I believe that a lot of things that he is saying and feeling are the depression talking even though they are incredibly hurtful.

How do I build up the strength to be by his side while he is going through all of this but yet protect myself and our baby?

Thanks for your help.
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itmatsb responded:
It sounds like you have been handling everything very well. If I were you, I would make that first appointment (which may well be the only appt. that he makes) with a psychiatrist who can also offer him an anti-depressant. Therapists are not big on medication because often the person feels so good from the medication that they don't see the need for therapy. If your husband even feels suicidal (as in hurting himself), he really does need medication.

Do you fear that he will hurt you or your baby? That is an unusual reaction from you unless you've gotten some signs that you are in danger. Otherwise, it sounds like it would be best if he stayed with you or you may never have him in your life again.

It may be due to your pregnancy that he is pulling away--perhaps with less sex. Many men feel neglected after a baby is born because all the attention appears to be going to the baby. Maybe he is anticipating that. I don't know.

It sounds like you could use therapy as well to manage to go through him telling you that he loves someone else and is not sure of the marraige, baby thing. What a horrific thing to be told. You sound like you are doing the best that anyone could, but therapy could really help you in your situation. Wish you the best.
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
Congratulations on your pregnancy! When is your due date? Boy or girl? This is such an exciting and stressful time under "normal" circumstances, I'm sorry you are dealing with the added stress of a depressed husband.

Here are two articles that might give you some information to use to to take care of yourself and support your husband:
When a Loved One Has Depression - Caregiver Tips
Helping a Depressed Loved One

I encourage you to make that appointment for your husband. Not only a therapist but he should see his primary care physician to get a full physical assessment. Sending you big (((hugs))) today - please keep checking in!

Haylen
 
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Howcanihelphim replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you for your responses and the articles.

. My husband has started to go to therapy on his own which is a great step. He even said that it was a good session and he came out smiling. He connected with the therapist and it wasn't so bad after all.

I found out that the reason he was so retissent to go to therapy was that when he was at university he suspected he had depression so went to see the school therapist and instead of doing his job and listening to him , he accused him of just wanting a note to hand in his homework late. So that scared him and he thought he was the one being stupid and he should just pull himself together. He never seeker other help because he thought that therapists wouldn't believe him. I am thinking about writing an anonymous letter to the school saying that although this happened 10 years ago, and this guy might it be there anymore, they need to be very careful who they employ especially at critical times in a student's life and in our business.

I did 2 sessions of hypnotherapy myself but I think I am going to switch to CBT. We have decided not to make any decisions until the baby is born, because who knows, maybe everything will change, maybe nothing will.

The very difficult thing for me is not what I think I need to change to make our relationship better, but this other girl. He is going to see her in 2 weeks and although he has promised he wasn't going to do anything - and I have to trust him on that - I am terrified of what it is going to do to his head, especially since it will be 2 weeks before our baby is born and he already so confused.

I looked her up on Facebook and I saw that we have many friends in common,so I thought about asking one of them to tell her to just not see him, but then I decided that was not a good idea because we come back to a theme that has been hurting our relationship: I am trying to be in control of everything.

I need to let go and trust that he will make the right choices. He is not a bad person, on the very contrary and being so hurtful is so out of charachter which was one of the clues that he is severely depressed.

He's been away on business for a couple of days and is coming back today, so I will see how things are. My dad bought him a book called "overcoming depression" which i hope he will read a little bit of. It's very interesting.

Thank you for your support, it does help writing to people who know neither of us.


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