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    At the edge - feeling awful
    Ross62 posted:
    2012 has not been a good year for me. I have been diagnosed and treated (hopefully successfully) for cancer. During the process, I nearly died from a post-op infection caused by the biopsy. My wife had heart surgery in the midst of this. Needless to say, stress is off the charts.

    I can feel myself at the edge of the abyss. I know it all too well - I lost most of my 30's to depression: two hospitalizations, trials on every SSRI made up until that time, most of the older-gen drugs, 14 (yes fourteen) rounds of ECT which left me without memory for much of that time, but filled with anxiety over ever going back to it.

    I have come along way in the past 7 years since completely getting off meds and getting my life back together. I have a good job and have felt like I was on solid ground until recently. No, not so much.

    My marriage has always been rocky. I am married to a woman that I am convinced has OCPD: rules for everything, lists of lists, etc. I am told that my cancer was nothing - she didn't see any effects, after all. She had a truckload of dirt dumped in our driveway and was upset that I was not out moving it. (I did finally finish that this past weekend - the last 3200 pounds of it). Nothing I do is good enough, fast enough, etc. I know I should leave, but I am probably a classic case of co-dependence.

    Right now, I just feel awful. Trouble concentrating, I hurt all over (partially because I moved all that dirt), my body doesn't feel right, I am exhausted all the time, & I am gaining weight again.

    My testosterone has crashed. It crashed before the cancer, but now I can't do anything about treating it because of the cancer. I know that is part of what is causing my problems because I felt good a year ago - for a few brief, wonderful months when I was getting treated with testosterone replacement therapy - no pain, full of energy, dropping weight. Now I sit here feeling like I am turning into a fat troll, only here for the abuse of others. The doctors say, "sorry - maybe next year we can try treating that". Meanwhile, I am in agony.

    I am not sure what to do. I used to belong to a depression support group somewhere on the internet. That is one of the things I can't remember now. Hoping I can at least get some support here.
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
    (((HUGS))) to you Ross! Oh my goodness, you have so much going on right now, I'm glad you're here to get some feedback and support.

    Although you can't treat your testosterone, can you address your depression with medication now? You mentioned that you are off all meds but perhaps a short term medication round can help pull you out from under the "cloud".

    I hope you're able to rest your body today from your dirt move! I doubt I'd be able to get out of bed after that task!

    I look forward to getting to know you better


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