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    VonEhmig posted:
    I am depressed. I would kill myself except that I do not want to hurt my family. The only people that love me are my family.
    I am incredibly angry sometimes. Right now I am in a rage. I indulge these emotions.
    When I am angry I feel alive. It is the only time that is not filled with self pity or supplicating to the wills of others. I am typically quite weak willed.
    The reason I indulge the anger is that it makes me feel alive. It is the one chance I get to feel like I have control. When I am angry people are scared of me. It is the opportunity for me to actually impact the world and people around me.
    I am nothing.
    I am useless.
    I work a 40 hour a week min wage job.
    I am 40 years old.
    I live with my parents.
    I am bullied. I have been bullied everyday of my life that I can remember.
    When I have rage, people don't bully me.
    Rage is the one time in my life when I have power over my surroundings and what happens to me.
    Rage happens as a result of my feelings of helplessness and uselessness.
    It is the only time I feel like a valid human being.
    It is the only time I feel like those around me notice me.
    It may be negative attention, but at least people know I am here and alive!
    I hope this connects with someone and someone can relate to this.
    But I will probably be dead before anyone truly takes the time to try and understand me.
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hi VonEhmig,

    (((hugs))) to you - I'm glad you've found this community. You'll find others here who can relate.

    Hurting yourself is never the answer.

    You may wish to contact the Covenant House Crisis Counseling Center at 1-800-999-9999 if in the United States, or at 01-753-53713 outside the U.S. Another option is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

    Also, WebMD offers an extended list of crisis resources on our site. Please click or paste the following URL into your browser's address locator: . As always, if you think you might have an emergency, please call your physician or 911 immediately.

    Please check in with us again.

    1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:

    I can totally relate to what you are going thru. I would do the same sort of things, get angry and rage out and like yourself, the only thing that helped keep me alive was my family. I couldnt bear the thought of hurting them. I work 40 hours a week at a job that is well beneath my education and the training i have recieved. I too live at home, it was my only option after i got divorced. I too was bullied, as i have gotten older that has some what stopped because of the people i choose to be around. If your anything like i was, your family is probably your greatest support system and they think the world of you, mine is/was the same way. Problem was, i did see any of the potential that they said i this day i still dont, but i am working on getting better. I dont know if you ever tried therapy, but it is a great way to get that rage/anger off of your chest and begin to disect why you feel that way. I was in therapy twice before the latest time where i just said...forget it, im going to not hold anything back and be an open book with my therapist. Is it easy? hell no, but what in our lives has been? I picked up book about shame, which ultimately was my crutch. Its called "healing the shame that binds you" its a great book with a lot of wonderful insight, that has helped me realize that everything that went wrong in my life was not 100% my fault. It helped me gain a new outlook on life and it helped me realize that i do need help. I am fairly early on in my therapy sessions but there are some great points that i have gotten and i always feel better the next few days afterwards.

    I just want you to know that you are not alone, there are many of people out there, just like you and i. Many of them have beaten this disease and have gone on to live a wonderful fulfilling life, I plan on being one of them. I hope you decide to join us and take back your life and live the life that makes you happy and smile. Because at the end of the day, we are the only ones who can control our happiness.

    You posted stumbled upon a great group and even better people who post and whom have gone thru similar battles.

    I wish you the best of luck!


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