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Femfatal posted:
I've battled sucidal thoughts since age 14, made 6 attemps all during periods of extreme stress during which I "disassociated" & woke up in either an ICU unit or a psy unit with amnesia. During this time I've been in 3 hospitals, seen 3 doctors and been diagnosed with MDD, ADD, Multi-personality, Separation Anxiety & probablly some I've forgotten. I've been on a rainbow of medications, some helped, most didn't. The one I had the best luck with was Nefazodone. It was the only one that took away the sucidial thoughts, however, after being stable for 15 yrs., it no longer works and I'm back at square one and scared as hell.
Do you have any ideal what it's like to be driving yourself to check into a hospital only to wake up 2 days later in ICU with no memory and be told you were found in a truck stop bathroom in a coma!? I had small children at that time, I turned them over to their father because I didn't know what was happening to me! Now there's Grand Children and I still don't know what's happening to me! And it seems as if the psy I put my trust in years ago is questioning his diagnosis after all these years and is as scared as I am!
I went in to see him today and he Finally writes an add on medication, but it interacts with other medications he knows I'm on! I'm 55 years old now & have several health conditions I must take medication for epilepsy, heart diease, diabeties, & RLS. He prescribes Resiperidone which interacts with the Requip & Phenytek. When called by the pharmacy he says to go off the 3 mg of Requip I've been on for years and take the med regardless of the Phenytek. As is I'll probablly have withdrawal symptoms from discontinuing the Requip to deal with on top of everything else!This is not the first time he's done this, my phramacy has stopped him from giving me medications several times these past 3 years which is how long I've been so unstable I can no longer go out unacompanied! I don't have family here & of course no friends, I'm on my own...no one will mourn me, no one will come to my funeral, but does that give him the right to Play Doctor with my life? If he doesn't know what to do why doesn't he just refer me to someone else?
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
It's time to find a new doctor and get a 2nd or 3rd opinion!

Until you do, please stay in close contact with your doctor to discuss any side effects you might be experiencing - mentally or physically.

You've had such a difficult time but it seems to me that you are still fighting for answers! You CAN feel better and reaching out to this community is an important step.

Please check in and keep us updated - you don't have to be on your own. Although a forum isn't the same as off-line medical and mental health help, the members here are very supportive and smart!

(((Hugs))) to you!

Haylen

Haylen
 
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Femfatal replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
Finding a new doctor in this area is easier said than done, but I'm trying. Years ago my son and I made a pact, he wouldn't kill himself if I didn't. He has no ideal how long that has kept me alive! Kinda of funny because before the first event I was 28, a wife, mother, bookkeeper, I owned/managed a real estate business and took care of an aging mother; I was a Supermom! Now I keep stress to the lowest level humanly possiable and keep that pact on my bedside table as a reminder of a promiss made and keep looking for answers.
For now, I reduced the Requip to .75mg by cutting it into fourths, cut the Resperidone in half for a .25 dosage, I can not reduce the Phenytec and am responding well. 48 hours ago my eyes where swollen shut from crying, now I'm functional again. I know my doctor will not appreciate me adjusting the dosage with consultation, I'll call him Monday and tell him what I've done. However, if he'd been listening the pass 3 years I wouldn't have gotten to this point to begin with. I've found it necessary to educate myself on all matter off medications used to treat mental illnesses and have debated with him on several ocassions over the use of those that either where not indicated for MDD, (his diagnoses), shouldn't be used considering my other health issues or I would not tolerate the side effects.
I would have thought an educated patient would be welcomed as the more someone understands their condition & treatment the more likely they will be to adhere to instructions, at least that's how I work. However my doctor does not like to be questioned by anyone, not even the pharmacy. I do not like that Resiperidone interacts with other medications I'm on nor do I care for the long term side effects. At this small dose I may be able to get away with it, however, the likelihood I will develop a tolerance to it and it need to be increase is high, therefore I'd rather find an alternative before I get to that point.
Maybe you could answer a question for me, I know Wellbutrin is not recommended for people who have seizures, however, looking at the stats on it, it doesn't appear to have any higher seizure risk than any other antidepressant medication. I'm not looking to replace the Nafazadone, we've tried several times with disasterous effects. But I know I need an add on with it and have already tried Depakote, Lamictal, Tegretol, Topamax & Abilify with no luck. Most of these drugs deepen the depression or caused paranoia, Tegretol was the only one I didn't have problems with, however, it caused liver problems in short order and had to be discontinued. I like Wellbutrin's make up & I can live with it's side effects. In a small dose, would it be a possiable canidate as an add on or am I missing something about the chemical make up that would not allow it to be used with Nafazadone?
There's a two fold reason I'm interested in it. One, it's effects, I fight terrible fatigue, some days only being out of bed for 3-4 hours before I crawl back in. The other is my son inherited whatever disorder I have and he's on it. He says it's not the complete answer, but it helps. He's been able to go back to work so I'd say it does!
I'm not looking for a high, I'm looking for a life before I die...my son & I are the last 2 living members of my line, no one has lived past 61 years of age. All deaths, save 1, were due to cardiovascular disease. We literally don't have the heart for it!
I deeply appreciate any information you can give me Please excues me if I come off "odd" I just find it very hard to feel anything right now. I long to be happy again.
 
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Femfatal replied to Femfatal's response:
This will be my last post here. I'm in crisis so this isn't the place for me to be.
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to Femfatal's response:
I'm sorry you didn't received immediate feedback femfatal!

I urge you to pick up the phone and find help off-line ASAP. We have crisis resources here that can put you in touch with someone immediately: Crisis Assistance Resources

Our expert does address medical questions but I can't guarantee that he will answer within a few hours or days. Please keep checking this post for additional comments! (You can click the "watch this discussion" link at the bottom of your original post to be alerted to new responses.

Although you are no longer called to your previous "Super Mom" duties, I know that you can find the right meds to feel better again! It sounds like you and your son have a special bond. Please keep in touch with him as well to stay safe.

Again, I urge you to click the crisis resources link and pick up the phone (((HUGS))) to you -

Haylen
 
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Femfatal replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
Trigger sorry it's been a while

I took your suggestion & it's a really, really good thing I hadn't disassociated as the local hotline I called put me on hold, I hung up. But I did visit the "metanoia.org" resource you linked. I knew a Vietnam Vet for 30 years & took care of him for 12 of those years as he was blind. He as well as others in his support group told me many times I displayed signs of PTSD, I knew it, but didn't feel I deserved to be put in the same catagory as those who had served their country. I have a PTSD app given to me by his VA counslor I've used for a couple years & a Depression app I recently downloaded, I score extremely high on both.
Alcoholic, absentee father, bi-polar mother, physical, mental & sexual abuse, incest, there's a lot of demons in my closet & I've tried to keep them there. I was taught it was "family loyalty" & really didn't know it wasn't the same for others until high school. I was 14 when the sucidial thoughts began. That abuse carried over into my relationships & marriages as well. I was a mix between my domineering father & a mother that controled everyone through the weakness she displayed until dad died, then she showed the bitch I knew her to be. The woman who set me on fire when I was 7 years old.
There have been several suicides in the family & as I mentioned I've made many attemps while dissassociated under extreem stress. I've never gotten over the fear of my first
attempt, the fear of loosing control & I've never been the person
I once was. I don't care about being a Supermom, but I'd like
to enjoy life & make new friends using better judgement.
I have kept myself isolated from people, some people that could trigger me. Have been exercising, but not eating well & tears flow at the drop of a hat if I let my mind idol. Sleep is erratic; 4, to 14 hrs., does no good to set my 4 alarm clocks as if I'm going to sleep I will, if I'm not, I'm not.
I'm taking the Risperidone .5 mg as he perscribed, slightly increased seizure activity, but that could be due to the stress and sleep plus withdrawal from Requip. I see him Tuesday & plan to discuss what's been happening as well as getting into group therapy. There are some very dark demons that have never been dealth with & from what I read, to recover I'm going to have to deal with them instead of praying for the memories to go away & hiding in my Bible.
We tried to recover memories when I was 15 when they learned I really didn't have many, it didn't go well. I began losing present day memories & stress went through the roof so I quit. Tried again at 33 after a break ended in an attemp that left me in a coma awaking with 48 hrs. of my life missing. But the memories came flooding back so hard I couldn't handle it! I prayed for them to stop, I didn't want to remember anymore, they finally druged me enough the memories stoped. I spent 60 days in a mental hospital & came out very suicidial. So, yeah, it terrifies me to think I have to face this stuff if I ever want to be well again, but I don't want to live like this either. Will keep you updated. Thanks for sticking it out & for caring.
 
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Femfatal replied to chez1's response:
Thanks for the encouragement.
Asking for help has always been hard. I was raised watching Soap Orpa's where everything is fixed in 30 to 60 minutes, Prince Charmining always arrives on time & everyone lives happily ever after. This was my mom's world and the reason I haven't watched TV for 30 years!
I've always "showed" people what they wanted to see to the best of my ability. "I'm fine, I can handle any job you throw at me without help, don't worry about me." Problem with that is, I can't, but now everyone expects it cause that's what I've potraited all my life, they don't know how to take it when I need help & think it's "just a phase, give her a few & she'll be fine". I was being mentally abused, overworked & taken for granted in my past circumstances & didn't have the ability to cope. As my health declined I knew I had to move on. So while I perfer to keep my life organized, focused & calm; I'm in a new home with hopefully someday, new friends who will know who I am. ( As soon as I do that is!) My current bout of depression began years before this move so while I know it didn't cause this "flare up" it certainly hasn't helped either. It was a trade off I had to make.
As for your bi-line, I've tried motivational therapy, instead of dealing with the issues and for a while it really does work, but sooner or later the demons catch up and I'm left with "What Now?".
Be Well
 
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Femfatal replied to Femfatal's response:
Update
I'm on .25mg Risperidone 4 times daily for the next 6 weeks. There are no support groups active at this time due to the holidays, they won't start back up until after the New Year. What a bummer, this is the hardest time of the year for me and a lot of others!
Tears are flowing again tonight as memories are flooding back and I can't control them. Haven't had but 3 hrs. sleep in the last 48 hrs. so I'm totally exhausted and really don't need this right now. Would rather face memories in a support group than home alone, but I guess I don't get to make that call. Was able to muster the strength to tell a long time abuser never to contact me again, not that nicely though. Doc was proud of me for finally doing it and it did release some stress. So these memories caught me off guard. But that's the way it's worked in the past, whenever I've learned one of them has either moved so far away they can't hurt me or they've died, the memories of their abuse has flooded me.
Maybe someone will be able to chat with me soon.
Stay Calm, Stay Sane, Memories Can't Physically Hurt You.
Think that's going to be my motto for a while.
Good Night
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to Femfatal's response:
Fem, I hope that you are getting some sleep - that is one of the worst things for me. My husband always reminds me that sleep deprivation is used during war for torture! Completely understandable.

I'm surprised that support groups aren't active during this difficult and stressful time of year!!! Have you check out local hospital resources?

I'm proud of you for giving that abuser the heave ho too!

Please check back in - I'll keep an eye on this discussion so I can see how you're doing!

Haylen
 
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An_249184 replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
Our local hospital doesn't have a psych unit, it was shut down 19 years ago. A year after a male nurse on night shift raped 3 women.
We sit on the KY/IN border so there's 2 state hospitals they send you too if you have a problem. The closest, 30 minutes away, the other about 2 hours from here. This is also why I'm not having any luck finding another doctor in this area, at least one who will accect Medicare/Medicade Insurance.
Sleep has been a little better. I'm just refocusing anytime my mind goes somewhere I don't want to be. It's hard, but believe me when I say I've had a lot of practice doing it.
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to An_249184's response:
Uggg...what a horrible and tragic story - I hope they locked him away forever!

I try to go to my "happy place" when I'm having trouble falling asleep - picture myself laying on a beach towel in the sand on some tropical island. Works sometimes...other times, not so much...

I hope you have a good weekend! Haylen
 
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An_249184 replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
Unfortunately, no, he was not locked away. The unit was closed as a concession to the families involved. It's very easy to convince sucidial psych patients that no one will believe them. And in this little hick town they were probablly right! My sister, who was retarded, was molested at age 14. Charges where brought, there was a trial. When she had to tell the story and they didn't hear physical force involved - they dismissed the case. Never mind she was terrified, never mind she was told & had every reason to believe she would be harmed if she didn't please him, & she came home with torn clothes in violent tears. These pig farmers looked at her as the woman she wasn't and the same thing would have happened if the psych patients pressed charges. This town has NEVER convicted anyone of rape, that should tell you how narrow minded it is!

Sorry it's taken so long to write but for some reason I can't post from my iPhone & my computer has been about as wakie as me lately! So happy the parts are in & my new one will be built soon!!! It helps with the sanity.
I had to be taken off the Risperidone, really didn't expect to stay on it this long! It interacts with the Requip and Dilantin I take. I couldn't tolerate the side effects anymore. I wasn't sleeping, my head felt like it was going to pop for 3 hrs after taking it each night along with vivid memories, deep depression, anger...I was psychotic and I knew it! It would begin within 30-60 minutes after taking the Risperidone & would last 6 to 8 hours, sitting there going over & over being burned & all the emotions tied to that event. Trying to make sense of a sensless act. By morning I'd be exhausted, but the visions & memories would have stopped so I'd get a couple hours sleep then start my day.
Doc wanted to put me on another med that interacted with another medication! I told him no thanks. Yes, I have PTSD & IF I wanted to remember, possiably resolve those issues Risperidone would definitely work to bring those memories forward, however, I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER.
Last night was the first night off and I slept like a baby for 8 straight hours...no memories, no nightmares, no overwhelming mix of emotions pulling me in every direction! Just peaceful sleep.
 
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to An_249184's response:
That story about your sister is horrific....I wish I could say that I've never heard similar situations but...I'm from a state heavy with "hick towns".

Peaceful sleep - YES. Hope it keeps up! Thank you for checking in Fem...

H


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