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What do you do about no motivation?
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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I have zero motivation to do much of anything lately.

I keep waiting for myself to get back to normal, and go through the motions, but I am concerned and need to get back to normal quickly because my stupid boss doesnt care that I am depressed, or that I have clinical depression. She says having a recurrance of depression is not an excuse to be late for work. I have not been late every day, but I have been late, mostly due to the fact that I wake up, and dont want to get out of bed or move out of exhaustion from not sleeping well, or not being able to fall asleep til its late, then I am out of it, and moving pretty slow the first couple of hours Im awake. At times I even feel nauseous and dizzy... off balance.
By the time I am able to get myself together I only have a few minutes to make it to work, I get here, and now the parking lot is restricted to employees so I have to park off campus and walk to work... so by the time I clock in Id say I can be from 2- 4 minutes late. There were a couple occasions that I was 10 minutes late in the past month.

I know being late is not okay. But in reality, I havent missed anything important. You see I know how my workflow goes, I know I do not have anything to do the first hour im here, I get here and dont see patients for 30 minutes to an hour every day, so I have a hard time understanding what the problem with clocking in and getting breakfast is. I have hypoglycemia. I assume the mornings I wake up with out balance I have low sugar, so I feel its emergent to get breakfast.

Every excuse I have for being late, my boss has a reason she doesnt care. I tell her I have depression, hypoglycemia, and irritable bowel syndrome, chronic upper back pain, and the symptoms I experience from them can hinder my ability to hop in my car and drive.

She always contradicts herself, just so she can be right, and I can be wrong, cause her answer to that was "if you arent feeling well just call and let me know your going to be late." So I started calling her, and telling her I would be late, and she started telling me that my excuses arent good enough that I cant call her to tell her Im going to be late every other day. And were talking 2- 4 minutes. Not 20 minutes to an hour. But she says its 20 minutes to an hour, which its not, its more like 10 to go down stairs and get breakfast.
I dont bring breakfast to work, because we dont have groceries, what can I say, I dont make enough money working here.
She asked me why I keep going to get breakfast even though I know Im not supposed to, and I thought to myself that its because she lets everyone else get away with it, so I dont feel its fair, and if I said that to her, shed just say it wasnt true. Anything she does wrong that I confront her for, I am dillusional over according to her.
She told me I am going to be on a written warning with HR again, so that means if I am a single minute late at all for another 6 months she will fire me.

Well I was all excited a few days ago over the prospective idea of just quitting this damn stressful job that makes me wanna give up on life once I get my car loan paid off this summer, but I looked into it, and instead of 7 months like I had calculated, I have 22 months left on my car loan...
I told my fiance I wanted to quit my job and he was okay with it, but only if I have my car loan paid off. So now I dont even have an end to this to look forward to...
I am just feeling depressed again and I need help, but I do not know what is triggering it other then my job, and my boss refuses to transfer me, she says I cant... I dont get along with any of the fake girls I work with either... I love my family and my friends and my fiance, we all get along just fine, its just my job thats making me wanna give up on life. I feel like if I cant get permanent relief from this situation some time soon it will be bad.
Reply
 
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OhMyGod replied to chez1's response:
Hi Liss,
I can relate to this. It is really a tough period. I completely understand the sick morning feeling and it appears at such times that the single most important thing is do just lie in bed and do nothing so that one can make up for lost sleep or the mind can repair itself and will make up for lost time when it is well rested. If it makes you feel any better, I did a much worse job of being on time (mine was quite sometime back and thankfully has not recurred). I also used to rationalise it saying it isnt affecting my core work and deliverables and projects. But the truth is really that it is less about whether the work gets done or not but whether the boss thinks it is being done or not. There are days when I didnt feel like going at all but when I did gather enuff energy and went, I realised it wasnt that bad and glad that I did go to office.

Things that helped me get back to normalcy (which is basically going through the cycle of denial - depression - acceptance - action) were:
- Keeping a journal : Just pouring out everything I am feeling at that moment takes off so much pressure. Am sure you would be feeling much better after posting the question bcos. when u write the problem, its intensity reduces as the mind gets freed and starts working on the nekst step of finding a solution.
- Talking to trusted close relatives and friends : There is no shame in admitting that at this moment you are not feeling well. During such phases, just communicating the nature of the problem makes us look at it in a different perspective and our own thinking mechanism starts suggesting solutions. Ofcourse, select a trusted and sensible person since just a patient ear and a small push in the right direction is all that is needed. Also, stop overanalysing stuff - its tiring to run around in circles.
- Stop having high ekspectations from your boss (who also seems to be the aggravating factor for your depression). Ppl. dont change much and we shld not ekspect them to or even try to change them. Just accept that behaviour of the other person and since she is your boss, do your best to accommodate their reasonable demand (of attending work on time). If you do make an effort and she notices that effort, there is a greater chance that she will be more accommodating.

I know all this appears very difficult to do as of now but hey, remember that nothing ever is permanent and all you need to do is ride out this internal storm - 1 day at a time.


P.s: Few months later or when some new bigger problem comes up, whichever is earlier, you yourself will be able to see that this was such a simple issue with a simple solution.
All the Best.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to OhMyGod's response:
I am feeling as if no one believes me that I am depressed, or they feel as if its not a serious problem.

I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager, and I have just barely learned to speak up and ask for help. I used to cut myself, so I feel like I have come along way since then on my own with out anyone knowing how bad of shape I was in. I dont think I knew myself at that point how bad of shape I was in...

My workplace boasts how supportive they are of eachother, but all she can do is offer the employee health number. Which is all fine and good, but I have already been to employee health counseling and they tell you to find your on physician after youre done seeing them, so I did find my own physician and my boss wont let me have time off work to go see her. Its freaking frustrating as heck because she is always having me close my position to cover for other employees while they go to a doctor visit! but when I asked for time off she said I should find a doctor who can accomodate my schedule. Why is everyone getting treated better then me? Why is it that when I need help she kicks me while I am down? She seems to enjoy making me miserable. Its like she has a sick twisted smile on her face while she watches me cry, she sits there and laughs at me, and tells me to use my big girl voice. When she talks to me like that it makes me so mad I could throw a few punches.
Last Thursday she announced that this woman who has been working on our office for less than a year is going to be our Lead. I have been the assistant lead to our old lead for 3 years, and I was told when our old lead stepped down from her position I would get it, because I already know how to do the job, and I have been here for 5 years. But my boss went and handed my job over to this woman who doesnt have much of a clue in the first place, then shes saying im still responsible for site visit, even tho this other woman is getting a RAISE to do that, and Im not, I feel like telling my boss to go lay in the freeway, this is freaking ridiculous now. I know I have been late, but she could have given me some warning or at least ask me to teach this woman how to do the job... I dont understand how my boss is going to train her, it sounds like she expects me to keep doing all the lead responsibilities for free and this other woman is just getting the raise and the position title, while I do the work.... Hmmm that doesnt work for me!!!!
I was SO MAD on Thursday I called my fiance just bawling on the phone, and he told me to go in there and quit, I said no, we need money for Christmas and the wedding and so we can move out of dads, and he said "no hunny, this is what your going to do, two weeks after christmas go tell that piece of crap woman your old man can take care of you and you dont need to kiss her butt anymore and that she can take her lead position and everything else and shove it!" I have to admit that it made me smile when he said that. I would really enjoy throwing a pile of books at her and quitting and cussing at her. She has been so mean to me.... she deserves it. But in reality Id probably just go and quietly explain to her that I am putting in my two weeks...
Oh man... lets see what else... I live in the west and some one on the east coast apparently got ahold of my debit card number and spent almost 200 dollars on my visa before I noticed. Yay for theft! I have been stolen from alot, it makes me wonder why I have such bad luck.

And lastly but not least, a friend of mine passed away this weekend. She was a really nice lady...
 
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FightingB replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Hey Lisa,

I am sorry about your work situation and all the troubles you are experiencing! I am happy to hear you have a supportive family, especially a fianc?!

I regards to work and that boss (I will refrain from using foul language in regards to her) . Do you have an HR department? You have rights as an employee and as someone with a medical illness! I would explore that if possible and if you do leave talking to her boss or HR about her poor management skills. I think her behavior is borderline illegal and completely irresponsible! I hope you find some peace as soon as possible and the depression lifts for you. I also hope you and yours have a enjoyable Thanksgiving! Take care!
 
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Femfatal replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
If it's that bad,reporting the situation to HR is a must. If you're fired, file for unemployment, with the report on file, and make sure they put it on file, you have a chance at getting benefits. Also sue for wrongful termination, there are lawyers who take cases without fee unless they win so if they take your case you've got a good one. (Make sure to read their contract!)
If you haven't gotten medical help yet, do so, you will need to prove your case, they will not take your word for your conditions, they must be documents and if necessary, under treatment. With that under your belt and time on job, she doesn't have a leg to stand on, at least not in my state, speaking as a former employer.
If you quit, give a written notice of required time, you will at some point in your life want another job and regardless of what has happened there time on job, achievements on the job & giving adequate notice will look good on a resume. Anything else can be explained if asked about.
As to the theft of your Visa, if you reported it quickly enough that amount should be covered, check with your bank.
And you don't have all bad luck, you've got family, friends and a man who loves you and their all there wanting to help, you're far from alone, be Thankful.
Be Well
 
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OhMyGod replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
You seem to be going through a lot. It seems like a bad phase and it will pass.
Since, have been through this myself in the past and read quite a lot on this, I have realised that usually the biggest problem during a depressive episode is our own brain which seems to make a pattern of dwelling on our most negative instances and replays it over and over again and I end up feeling tired without making any real progress towards a solution. While, am not trying to suggest that your problems are not real, it seems that during such phases our brain likes to worry - its like it derives its identity from having sumthing to worry about. Am sure there are positive things happening in your life (your supportive family and finace) as well but we unintentionally are more aware of and count our problems more than our blessings. That is just the way we humans are wired (some studies about evolution theory suggest that we respond faster to threats and bad news than to happiness and opportunities).
I dont think I kno enuff abt your precise situation at office but have come accross many cases where the supervisory role usually goes to average performers with high emotional intelligence rather than to high performers who seem to be struggling with themselves. Put urself in your boss's shoes and imagine - would you want to give a position of managing a team to somebody who cant seem to get his/her act together. Its not easy accepting this (hv been there). I dont kno whats the best thing to do is but I continue doing my job to the best of my ability and am projecting an image of being a more dependable, stable, consistently logical and predictable person. Am also now more aware and sensitive to other peoples problems (everyone has them). In short, get over yourself. Have noticed that the single most quality of most leaders is empathy. Ppl. will choose that person as their leader who actually understands them (even if he cant do anything to solve it).
What would also help is to discuss with colleagues and others in the organisation about their views about your boss. Before u take any drastic step, just try and ensure that the problem is with that person (and not with you). Most ppl. have reasons for their actions and I wld like to believe that nobody intentionally is evil towards others. Maybe your boss feels threatened and is actually jealous of you (ego clashes with high performers are very common) since you work so well. If it is so, its imp. to be polite with her and gain her trust. Help her achieve her organisational goals, support her reasonable views and she will in turn reciprocate.

I find writing everything down on a notepad to assist me greatly in arriving at solutions. You are the best person to read ur actual situation. You just need to reduce the surrounding noise, feel less threatened and have a more positive outlook. You are smart and analytical. As I mentioned earlier, just put pen to paper and move beyond denial and depression to acceptance and problem solving). Just think calmly and you will arrive at a calculated decision yourself. All the Best.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to OhMyGod's response:
I feel terrible I had so many replies to this old post that I had not read or noticed because I was not notified of them via e-mail.
I decided to go back and read some old posts of mine to guage whether I feel better or worse... And Im thinking I feel about the same.
Which isnt as bad as worse, but its definitely not as good as better. especially after 2 months...
I have never been much of an over-achiever, but this is my life, and if I want it to be good, I better start achieving what I want...
I really want to go to see my therapist but everytime I try to open my mouth and actually TELL some one how I feel tears well up and I get choked up, and I feel like my tongues tied, and cant help but think how easy it would be to mail these entries to my therapist, ask her to read them, and plead for help, but then I know you cant help anyone that cant help themselves, and I think I am having bad bad thoughts because I feel like giving up instead of kicking into high gear, because... Im just... hurt.
I feel like no one percieves me as I intend, and that no one hears what I am saying, that I am speaking loud and clear, but that my words become distorted and screwed when they enter someones brain. Talking to co-workers, its like they assume I am crazy and only listen partially. Im so tired of not being respected...
I used to get more respect around here when I was 19, now im 24 and it just dont make sense. I walk around here just hanging my head in shame, and I dont even know what Im ashamed of...
 
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OhMyGod replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
You should read your last post again. The answer lies in the question. And it is this sort of writing down things that helps one analyse that there really is not much wrong to be so worried and being high strung about. Am happy you are making progress realising that it is difficult to actually pin point the specific problem, which may as well indicate that its all made up in your head. There are few bottlenecks which can be sorted out with some small steps.
Listen Liss, do understand that people are not out there to gang up against you. If anything, they are in as bad a shape as you. Its only that they manage to keep their problems to themselves or have a adequate support mechanism outside of their workplace or have made really good friends at work (which requires one to invest time in).
Unfortunately, the workplace as such is not a place to show ppl. how vulnerable one is and seek help. But deep down, everybody - each one of us has issues to deal with. Some do it in a manner that makes it appear to others that they have ability to sort out their own issues and not bring them to the workplace, not lean on colleagues too much too often.
Which is why, it is very imp. to make close friends at the workplace whereby eventually ppl. start enjoying your company and sharing and listening. And when you give a patient ear to them, they will be willing to do the same. Usually, best workplace buddies are the ones who sit right next to your desk or with whom you can travel back home.
I understand your problem is more about getting respect at work and the feeling that time is going by without you making much progress careerwise (and jealousy about why other ppl. with lesser subject matter expertise are being promoted).
If you are serious about making progress and taking on leadership roles, logically, you need to demonstrate stability and predictability in your behaviour and clarity in thoughts. We judge ourselves by our potential, others judge us by what we have actually done. And rightly so.
You need to contain your inner turmoil, do the work in the best possible manner so that there is time for some socialisation and when you are in the company of others during those visit to the canteen for lunch/snacks, appear relaxed. One of the best ways to gain acceptance is to ask ppl. about themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themself. For them to be comfortable talking to you, u must demostrate that you are yourself sorted out. Its not difficult. Take baby steps. Show up on time, take care of appearance, be prepared for meetings, stay ahead of your to do list.
If I can do it, so can you. I used to be high strung and stressed out with work realted stress and issues of respect at workplace (usually surfaced around appraisal times), ppl. used to call me a scientist and not in a good way (eccentric). I used to arrive late and leave early, not socialise much and generally be grumpy. But I ensured that all work is done timely. Unfortunately, actual work is like 40% of the job. Management wants ppl. who are sorted out so that they can then be entrusted with the responsibility of handling other ppl. Quite often, ppl. with high emotional intelligence but low technical work skills get promoter to team leader roles.
Relax, Liss. Liss doesnt mean trouble. Think of it this way, what would u prefer - setting high standards for yourself and falling slightly short and being disappointed or not having the energy to try at all. The way I see it, you are doing a great job of being accountable to yourself and commited to making progress. Dont be too harsh on yourself. Just iron out your thinking pattern, lean less on others and realise that others are probably as deep in problems as you are. Also, its ok to be miserbale occassionally. Really.
Am sure at a later stage in life, you will look back at all this and feel that things werent as difficult as your mind made you believe. Relax, keep a journal and tell yourself that everything is gonna be ok. All the Best.


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