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Fighting a losing battle
Hard_To_Love posted:
I'm new to this community. It's actually harder than I imagined to open up and tell how I'm really feeling. It almost feels like self pity, but the truth of the matter is I have a severe problem and I know it. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for pity, and I'm not even looking for anyone to have the answer to my problem...I'm just reaching out for someones hand to grasp so that I'll know I'm not alone in this darkness.
I have been fighting depression since before I was even old enough to know what depression is. My parents divorced at a young age and my father became a stranger. I was sexually abused as child by my stepfather for 10 years. I've never fully dealt with that pain, but my early experinces with men led to a string of abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Now, each and everyday I struggle with feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and an overall feeling of hopelessness. I have beautiful children whom I adore and I'm remarried to a good man who works hard, loves my children, and under most circumstances respects me but he can't seem to understand that some of his actions are so incredibly painful to me that I have days where I simply don't want to continue. I feel as though he is ashamed of me, as though he's only married to me behind closed doors. He excludes me from alot of his life when it comes to family and friends, and I feel as though he isn't always honest when it comes to these things. Lately my depression and anxiety have been almost unbearable. I have seen a physician and I'm taking Lamictal and Xanax to stabilize my moods and control my anxiety but I hate having to rely on a drug to make me not feel. This is how I normally feel after taking Xanax. Although it does help my anxiety I sometimes have feelings of apathy, as though whatever happens, happens. Recently, I actually prayed to God to not let me wake up the next morning...but he I guess that means at least someone recognizes my need to be here. Often I feel as though those in my life would be better off without me and that feeling is getting stronger. The one thing that keeps me going are my children. I can't bear the thought of leaving them behind with so many questions and hating me for giving up and not fighting hard enough. So that's a little about who I am...a little sad...a little hurt...a little confused...a little crazy...
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Hard to Love,

Glad you decided to over come that fear and open up, that alone shows you do have strength. Its not easy opening yourself up to a group of people, especially not knowing what the response might be. But this group is full of wonderful people who have all sorts of experiences and great advice to give. The great thing about this group is that very quickly you will find that you are not alone on this journey. We have all been at the end of our ropes at one point or another, but there is something that keeps all of us moving forward.

Have you tried counciling? Sometimes in combination with the meds, it can be a great way to help you deal with those previous experiences. You'll peel back those layers and you'll realize the person you are inside...the person your children look up to. Its great that you love them so much and that they are keeping you going. But one day you will find that inner strength to keep yourself going, because you are the only one who controls your happiness.

Best of luck!


ps. we are all a little sad...little hurt....litte confused and a little'll fit right in
HELPMEPLZ responded:
hi, Im new here too-just today actually found this site. I KNOW EXACTLY how ur feeling, for a minute I thought I was reading my life! I am praying that December 21st is the end of the world as predicted!!!!!! I too dont want to leave my children hating me for bringing on the pain to them for the rest of their lives, but as I am and have been for a very long time is nottt fair to them either though... I dont know what to do, I want my life to change, but just cannot get these pathetic feelings to go away!!! I want to be a productive person in life, but that would mean actually facing people outside these 4 walls. I want to clean my house, but after doing th dishes I find myself needing to go back into a laying down position. I want to go out with m husband, make love to my husband, but anymore showering is becoming an issue anymore ! Im here now, I too dont wanna come off as whining or complaining and self pity, I WISH to God I didnt have an existance that pretty much coinsides with every upsetting topic that Opera ever had on her show, but I do !!! I just dont know how much more I can keep going on pretending `something will change`` been sayn that for soooo long, only to awake and find here I am again stuck in my head!!!
Hard_To_Love replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have gone to counseling recently and I loved my counselor. She was a wonderful individual who was helping me get it together. However, I lost my insurance and could no longer continue to see her. I had such a connection with her that the thought of starting over with someone else in and of itself was depressing. I am searching though for someone to start seeing again.
Thank you again for responding.
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Hard_To_Love's response:
I can relate...that happened to me in the past. Just after my divorce i was talking with a great therapist and eventually it just got to costly to continue to see her. We were making some great strides. Thankfully i have found another good therapist. But before that, this community helped me alot. Not to down play what anyone is going thru, but it gives you a sense that your not alone and in some cases a feeling of releif that some peoples disease is so much worse(and my heart goes out to them). But if they can find a reason to move on, i should be able to do the same. So much inspiration has come out of this community for me. I found much joy in responding and offering advice and an open ear to listen.

Best of luck
AlishaMorgan responded:
I can understand your situation and your mind's status. It is so difficult some time to know how to treat depression . At this time you have to do some meditation and spend most time with your friends and loved ones. This will definitely help you in fight with depression.

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