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depression/ptsd/bipolar/adhd/seeking treatment again
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1J3nny1 posted:
It's been over 5 years since I've been on a depression blog. I've battled depression my whole life. I remembered having suicidal thoughts in grade school. I attempted suicide in high school. I began seeking treatment after I married my guardian angel. Now I'm back here because I need to try everything before I completely lose it. I am well versed in depression and know this and that (there's not a cure, it returns, it's a chemical imbalance, etc.) But it still hurts soooo bad. And I feel so damn guilty. I hate making my husband go thru this and I cannot bear to think what this is doing or will do to my 1 year old son. I know this episode will end and may come back and hopefully i will have the coping skills every time it does resurface. In the meantime, i am crying my eyes out and hoping my husband can't hear me whimper. I restarted my sessions with my counselor and started taking an antidepressant again. I know I am on the right track...I just wish i could stay on track. I know there are many things i am avoiding (communicating to my husband and reaching out to my sisters, etc). But i just want this episode to just quietly go away. My husband knows a lot and wants to see a marriage counselor again...which i know is great. I mentioned reaching out to my sisters. To elaborate, my depression probably...most likely stemmed from my bastard of a mother. I was physically abused but i think the neglect is what really did me. My sisters and I have had very brief discussion about our mother and upbringing...usually in the form of banter or sarcasm, etc. I really thought i had a good handle on my depression and am now realizing that my avoidance with my sisters is probably not going to help me. Damn my mother, damn this disease. I am so afraid i may turn out to be like her. I am so sick of hurting. this is deja vu and i have to remember to keep seeking treatment. i just really wish there was a cure. I am so fortunate to have such a loving husband and love my son with all my heart. my mood swings are exhausting. i hope the damaged i've done (emotionally, financially, physically) can be fixed. Not sure what else to say...just having a hard time sleeping and keep crying right next to my husband in bed and didn't want him to find out. Thanks for reading this. I admit i only skimmed the other discussions but hope to read them and learn from them. I have ADHD, too. Maybe my post can shed some light for others. Or just a way for me to distract my self from some of my thoughts. I'm sure I'll be back...Maybe to discussed how it sucks to have suicidal thoughts. Would never be selfish enough to act on them but still have them and hate myself for having these images ( i guess they're more like death thoughts, cause i'm not suicidal but think about how it would be easier if i could just disappear). But i don't want to be my mother so i cannot just run away from my problems. I have to face them and the longer i avoid them the longer i will hurt. I guess. sorry this is so long. good nite.
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