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    Anon_10602 posted:
    [TRIGGER] I really don't know what to do anymore. I have been married for 33 years. I truly believe my husband hates me. I had a complete nervous breakdown a couple of year ago and have tried to commit suicide once, but that obviously didn't work out the way I planned it since I am still here. I have a liscense to teach high school but can not do it because I can not tolerate noise and crowds. Talk about extreme anxiety attacks! I keep getting these thoughts in my head about how I should try again to commit suicide because now I know what I did wrong. The funny thing is I don't want to leave my dogs. My husband told me after the first attempt that if I did kill myself he would give the dogs away to anybody that wanted them. Those animals have been my rock and my saviours for so long. I feel so very stuck in a trap. I can not remember a day that my husband has said anything nice to me. Both of my children are grown and moved away. I thought of divorce but I am afraid to try this on my own. I am beginning to believe I may be as big a loser as he says I am.

    I feel so very empty and alone. I talk to my dogs but they really don't have a lot to say back. My therapist says I should try to do everything my husband wants and see if that won't calm him down. What about what I want? I would really like to feel loved by him again and I know that is not going to happen. He has told me that I am a disappointment to him because I didn 't lose the weight I gained after having our 2 sons. He says that since I told him I would try to lose the weight and did not makes me a liar. i told him I was sorry and he refused to accept my apology because he feels that by being a liar I don't mean what I say. That is just one of many comments he makes.

    There is so much emotional pain inside and I am getting to the end of my rope. I just don't know where to go to from here. Would someone please tell me that I am not a loser and it will work out alright - one way or another.
    MiriRose responded:
    I'm so sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you right now. Please don't give up hope -- no situation is hopeless! You are NOT a loser -- God has you on this earth for a purpose, and I pray that you will experience His hope and peace today.

    You mentioned that you are seeing a therapist, and I was wondering if you had told him or her the extent of your feelings? It sounds like you might be in a place where you may need to consider other help and support that is available to you.

    As for your husband, I understand that his treatment has hurt you deeply. As hard as it may be, I encouarge you to try to see him in a more positive light and look for the things that you do like about him. Do your sons live nearby? How is your relationship with them?

    Taking your own life is not the answer, and I truly hope that you will be encouraged and find some hope in your life. Please post again and provide an update on how you are doing today. ((Hugs))
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
    (((HUGS))) to you Anon! You ARE NOT A LOSER! (that was me shouting to you with support and care!)

    It sounds like you are facing a very, very difficult time but you can come through this! I'd like to you point you towards some crisis resources. PLEASE keep yourself safe and reach out if you feel that you are in danger of hurting yourself: Crisis Assistant Resources

    And please do click here: "If you are thinking about suicide... Read this first " (from website)

    MiriRose had some good points about your therapist - perhaps reach out and let him/her know you are in a very low place and see if you can get in for some face-to-face support.

    Please post and let us know that you are safe!

    whatisexpectedofme replied to MiriRose's response:
    Dear MiriRose
    Thank you for taking the time to talk with me. It is really nice to know that there are people out there that listens - really listens!

    My husband and I are scheduled to leave tomorrow on a 5 day vacation. We haven't been on one in some time. We are going to watch his alma mater play football. The neat thing about that is that is where he orginally asked me to marry him. I have always had fun when we would go and I am counting on this to help my feelings.

    As for my sons, my relationship with both of them is great. The only problem is that one lives in Texas and the other is in Okinawa (Marine assignment - he flies Osprey) I don't want to burden them with this because neither of them can get here. The one in Texas just recently obtained a new job with a petroleum refinery that pays very well, and the other is on Uncle Sam's schedule. He could not come back from where he is and I don't want to upset either of them when there is nothing they can do. they are great guys!!

    I am a bit calmer than I was last night. I think I am looking forward to the trip tomorrow and get away from home for a few days. Suicide is definitely on the back burner right now. It isn't totally gone but not such a priority in my mind.

    Thanks again for your time and care. I will have a long chat with God and see where He wants me to change things for the better. I feel sure he has some great ideas.

    Love and blessings to you!
    whatisexpectedofme replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Dear Haylen,
    Thanks for talking to me. I did read the "if you are thinking about suicide...". In fact a made a copy of it so that I could read it any time I needed a pick me up. I am going to be leaving for a 5 day vacation with my husband to see his alma mater play football. I am truly getting excited about the trip. I haven't been away from home in several years and on top of all this, the school we are going to is where he asked me to marry him.

    I am safe at this time and as I told Mirirose, suicide is on the back burner right now. I hope to keep it there for a while if I can. If the felling is still strong when I get back I will talk to my therapist and see what she thinks.

    Thank you so very much for your concern. I wasn't sure if there was anyone out there I could talk to. I have a problem in that I tend (since the breakdown) to alienate myself from people. So much (not just my husband) has happened over the last few years that has left me where I truly trust very few people anymore. I guess that is why my dogs are so important to me. They don't judge me or complain about everything.

    Take care and know that I really appreciate your response and your time.
    MiriRose replied to whatisexpectedofme's response:
    Thank you for your response, it's great to know that you were able to get away for a few days...I hope your vacation was a fun and relaxing time for you and your husband. Also, it's wonderful to learn that you had been feeling calmer than you were at the time of your initial post -- that's an answer to prayer!

    It was good to learn a little about your children -- how wonderful that you are able to enjoy great relationships with your adult sons. It sounds like they are both very successful and you've raised them well.

    I'm glad you've planned to seek God's leading and guidance for these tough emotions you've been facing, I pray that He leads you to where you need to be, and that you'll get the right care and support.
    If you find yourself feeling hopeless and thinking of suicide again, you might find it helpful to reach out and talk to someone over the phone. The USA Suicide hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). Focus on the Family has licensed counselors that can speak with you at no cost, the number is 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They're available weekdays between 6 AM and 8 PM (MT).
    Hope to hear from you again soon. God bless you!

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