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TRIGGER* stuck on the edge *TRIGGER
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boots79 posted:
I feel like I am stuck on a ledge and don't know what to do. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I have impressed my counselors and dr's on how "well" I am doing. Yea I am in college now but I only did it because I want people to be proud of me and because everyone kept telling me I needed to do something. I am doing well grade wise but I feel like such a fake. I don't want to be there. I have panic attacks every day but hide it so well no one notices anymore. The only reason I keep pushing through it is because I don't want to disapoint everyone. They seam so happy with me. I lie every time I go to my apointmets about how proud of myself I am and I even lie about taking my meds. I haven't taken them in a while. every time I look at them I get so sick to my stomach. I have even put them away so I don't have to look at them anymore. Everyone is so happy that I have been losing weight too, but they don't know. I don't eat much any more and what I do eat isn't good for me at all. I have gotten so good at telling lies that i even do it to myself. I tell myself I am not angry at the people who have hurt me so much and that they realy didn't turn their back on me when I need them. The truth is they did and I am so angry. but I pretend and I don't know why. Why is it I have to have everyone elses aproval. Why cant I belive in myself and be happy at that. Why cant I live for myself instead of everyone else. The truth is i hate myself right now. If I wasn't so afraid of disapointing everyone i would be cutting right now or worse. I don't know what to do. I am scared. It is easy to rant here because no one know who I am. but to face my dr.'s and the people around me I am such a cowered. so here I am stuck on my ledge unable to go forward or backward. know that at any sencond the slightest brease will know me down. In some way's I pray it does. sad right!
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