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    TRIGGER* stuck on the edge *TRIGGER
    boots79 posted:
    [TRIGGER] I feel like I am stuck on a ledge and don't know what to do. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I have impressed my counselors and dr's on how "well" I am doing. Yea I am in college now but I only did it because I want people to be proud of me and because everyone kept telling me I needed to do something. I am doing well grade wise but I feel like such a fake. I don't want to be there. I have panic attacks every day but hide it so well no one notices anymore. The only reason I keep pushing through it is because I don't want to disapoint everyone. They seam so happy with me. I lie every time I go to my apointmets about how proud of myself I am and I even lie about taking my meds. I haven't taken them in a while. every time I look at them I get so sick to my stomach. I have even put them away so I don't have to look at them anymore. Everyone is so happy that I have been losing weight too, but they don't know. I don't eat much any more and what I do eat isn't good for me at all. I have gotten so good at telling lies that i even do it to myself. I tell myself I am not angry at the people who have hurt me so much and that they realy didn't turn their back on me when I need them. The truth is they did and I am so angry. but I pretend and I don't know why. Why is it I have to have everyone elses aproval. Why cant I belive in myself and be happy at that. Why cant I live for myself instead of everyone else. The truth is i hate myself right now. If I wasn't so afraid of disapointing everyone i would be cutting right now or worse. I don't know what to do. I am scared. It is easy to rant here because no one know who I am. but to face my dr.'s and the people around me I am such a cowered. so here I am stuck on my ledge unable to go forward or backward. know that at any sencond the slightest brease will know me down. In some way's I pray it does. sad right!
    lexismom11 responded:
    What has me concerned is the fact that you are not being truthful with you dr's. They are there to help you but you are not letting them, The other thing that is concerning is that you have taken yourself off of your meds and your dr's don't know about it. They need to know these things so they can help you. You have to be truthful in order to get the help you need and to feel better. Telling us the truth is wonderful, but we can only do so much when it comes to helping you feel better. Please reach out to your doctors and let them help you. It's what they are there for.
    boots79 replied to lexismom11's response:
    I know I should be honest with my dr.'s but I can't. I don't understand why I can't ask for help when people get to know me better or when they begin to be proud of me. I don't even understand why it is so hard to take my meds. I know I should, but I look at them and feel sick. I feel so mixed up inside, so conflicted. Part of me wants to be able to talk to the people who know me and want to help, but I am so scared I am frozen. the only time I have ever had faith in myself is when I help others, but then I get so wrapped up in their life and needs I don't pay atention to my own. I don;t want to look at me and what I need. it makes me feel selfish and undeserving. most of the time I feel like I deserved the abuse I suffered as a child sometimes I even think I should be hurt again and that scares me more. I have even put myself in positions where it was posible to be hurt. why do I do all of this. I finaly have my own apatment, doing well in school, and have people proud of me, but I hurt so much and can't accept any of it.
    boots79 replied to boots79's response:
    still not doing good I have been sleeping a whole lot. I just woke up and it is almost 6pm and I am ready to go back to bed. I am just tired and wore out and i don't want to do anything or be around anyone. I have home work due tomarrow for my art class and second draft to my reasearch paper due tue and i haven't touch them. I have't ate, I am barely drinking enough. I just don't care right now and it sucks.
    lexismom11 replied to boots79's response:
    You want to make sure you are still taking care of yourself. That is very important during this time. I know where you are coming from because I have very recently been there. It's important that you realize that you are worth it. I am in school as well and when I am feeling depressed, my school work tends to suffer. This is because I have no motivation or will power to do it. It becomes very hard, I know that. I am starting to pull out of this depression I am in. I can tell because I am feeling up to doing a little more than before and my mood has gotton better. I am not feeling like hurting myself as much as before. You will get there too. It's just hard when you are in the middle of it and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there though, it will come.
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to boots79's response:
    Hi boots!

    You are in a very difficult place right now. I encourage you to print out this discussion and take it to your doctor. If you're not able to be honest with words, let your writing be your voice! There IS help out there and you CAN feel as good as you are pretending!

    Please drink some water, have a healthy snack and pick up the phone to speak with your doctor. Also, I'd like to point you towards some crisis resources where you can get an immediate person on the phone if you feel that you are in danger of hurting yourself: Crisis Resources

    Please post and let us know that you are safe and that you're reaching out for help - (((hugs))) -

    Survivor2007 replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Boots.. have you considered talking to a psychiatrist about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those who have been through childhood abuse often suffer from this, and it can be complicated to deal with. I do hope that you have tried to do some things to help yourself over the past few days. When someone is suffering from PTSD, they often have developed a pattern like you describe.....making things look good on the outside, but feeling empty and undeserving on the inside. As a child, you had to develop this way of living to cope with an experience or experiences that you had no way to deal with. The pattern and thinking becomes ingrained.....and carries into your adulthood. Good talk therapy can really help. You are an incredibly strong have survived what life has handed to you. Please reach out to your doc, or a psychiatrist, and let them help you to use your strengths to feel good about yourself. Please post again....will keep you in my thoughts....
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hey boots!

    Can you please check back in and let us know how you are doing?

    boots79 replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Hey. Just got out of the hospital and doing much better. I am back on my meds now too.
    lexismom11 replied to boots79's response:
    That good to hear. Stay on those meds. They will help you a lot.
    Haylen_WebMD_Staff replied to boots79's response:
    Thanks for checking back in boots! (((HUGS))) to you!

    boots79 replied to Haylen_WebMD_Staff's response:
    feeling a lot better now, but feeling a little disoriented because I am adjusting to the meds. I remembered to take them today too. I was so happy to have my first caffeinated drink today but I wasn't able to drink much of it lol. Oh well don't really need it any.

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