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No joy in life
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Tomclancy99 posted:
Hi.

I am a 41 year old woman, with a daughter, husband and dog. I am fortunate to have everything I need in life, yet can not find any joy. Yes, I am seeing a therapist, have been for 14 years throughout various moves, etc for my husband's job. I have been on/off meds over those 14 years - but some I am allergic to and others make me a zombie. I have many health issues, but the biggest one dictating my life is the depression/anxiety. I have been on medications, but recently have been told by a Psychiatrist that I am perfectly normal and do not need to be on anything. In other words, I have been through enough therapy to know all the buzz words and use them during sessions...

I am not functioning well. I have a daughter/husband/dog who only want love, and I struggle to find it. I feel worthless, and selfish, because I can not bring myself to stop hurting them by not wanting to participate and actively yelling at them all (yes, even the poor dog gets it). I want to run away, but don't even know how to do that without giving up my medical benefits and irrevocably hurting those I think I love - though with this illness, the feeling of love is difficult to define.

I can not do housework anymore without feeling like an indentured servant, I have a strong reaction now to having to do everyone else's laundry/dishes/meals/shopping/etc - which is certainly not the feeling you want to have when you are stuck as a housewife. I work a part-time job from home, volunteer at my daughter's school, run a cheerleading squad, participate in a choir, and read - all of which I do with the express purpose of trying to find some focus outside of my issues. It doesn't work most of the time. I only feel relief while actually at the activities. Any time I am at home, I am a certified wreck.

The platitudes I read make me sick, I want to actually feel better - and not have everyone tell me I should feel better and all I need is to "think positive".

My situation is not uncommon, I know. I have made choices in my life that got me to where I am now. I recognize all of that. What I need, and have been unable to find for 14 years, is some measure of peace. Of not feeling like I am a mis-fit. I want to feel I belong, but instead I am an outsider in my own world.

Does anyone else have these problems?
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Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
YES. You are not alone but it can get better! "Thinking positive" is, unfortunately, not the answer for one who is suffering from depression and well-meaning folks just don't get it. And I know what you mean by being OK when you're actually engaged in an activity but feeling empty after.

I hear that you have some support with a therapist but it sounds like you haven't found the right doctor/meds. The right medication/combination of meds could be out there but you need to find the right doc to work with. And a psychiatrist whose diagnosis is "perfectly normal"? Ummm.....next!

You're a wife, mother, volunteer, employee and many other things but you're so hard on yourself! You're not worthless or selfish and I hope that you can find support and answers by reaching out here. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel and what you are facing?

Please keep posting!

Haylen


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