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Depression, Social Anxiety, and Delayed Puberty
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Soja898 posted:
Hi, i've never posted or talked about what I'm going to say so bear with me. Ok so i'm currently 21 years old and umemployed. My problems started when i was entering High School and realizing that everyone hit puberty and i haven't. So because of that I kind of started becoming awkward in front of people hoping they wouldn't ask me how old i was because people started to think i was joking when i said i was in high school, which always made me hate myself. Eventually i hit puberty near the end of my junior year. So pretty much my high school "experience" was ruined from me being socially awkward and other then hanging out with the group of friends i had in school i isolated myself and just stayed home. I used to love going to see my family but now i hated going to visit them and tried to get out of going to see them at every chance i could. So i looked like a seventh or eighth grader in my senior year and i never went to prom, took my school picture, i didn't walk the line for graduation. I just stayed home and played World of Warcraft from when i came home from til it was time to sleep. Since then i lost contact with everyone i knew from high school except my best friend who moved elsewhere for college. After high school i told myself to just wait for my body to develop and hopefully look like my age so i could go back into the world and enroll in college. After a year out of school I was still doing the same thing, playing world of warcraft, eating, and sleeping. At this time i was getting food stamps and i had to atleast do something 10 hours a week to continue food stamps. I then started volunteering at a elementary close by and couples months later i got hired at the school as a custodian. Finally i was somewhat happy, getting paid alot and finally could save money for my future. Of course i still looked like freshman and other than the people i see everyday at work i was the same old social anxiety suffering kid. So me and my best friend who was in another state started talking about getting a place and at the same time i was pretty much was forced to quit my job because my mom decided to move away with her boyfriend to the other side of the island which is about 90 miles...i forgot to mention i live in hawaii. So i didn't want to live with my mom so i moved in with my dad which is about 20 minutes away from my mom. Anyway after i moved in with my dad my friend eventually said he doesn't have enough money yet and i would have to wait a couple months. Couple months passed and he still didn't have money and he said the same thing again and again. So present day im still living with my dad, all the money i saved up to move is gone because i had to help my dad with bills. My depression really kicked in the past year, i stay home everyday on my computer, my dad is away monday - friday so im pretty much alone all week other then my sister and mom who come by once a week or so. Since as i said i hated conversations with people i never got to get my license and never learned to drive because i can't see my baby faced self driving. Im pretty much trapped in this situation with no transportation to even look for a job and im too far to walk and don't have a bike. I rarely have an appetite, takes me 1-2 hours with my eyes closed to fall asleep, and i'm overweight. I have thought about suicide but the reason i don't go through with it is because of the pain i would cause my parents and i wouldn't want them to go through that.
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Soja898 responded:
sorry i hit post without finishing but thats for those of you who read what i had to say, feels good to actually talk about it.
 
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Soja898 replied to Soja898's response:
thanks for those*
 
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mossap responded:
Hi, I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through with this issue. I am 30 now, but I look more like 17... when I was in high school, like you I was so embarrassed and felt so self conscious about my appearance that I basically withdrew socially. Also no one really wanted to hang around with me either, and the absolute worst thing was that previously I had made most of my friends from playing sport - but because I was so underdeveloped, I could no longer compete competitively in any sports so I stopped that too. Man, looking back it is depressing...
I went to college, but the same problems persisted there and I dropped out. I got the courage to go to doctors about the problems I was having but they were no help at all - my testosterone levels were within normal range so they said there was "nothing wrong"... Well, the range of problems that this has caused me are practically endless... Eventually I got a job but it is hardly ideal - I don't much like it, I work long hours, I am stressed 7 days a week, but I stick with it to pay bills. My parents are pretty disappointed in me also, they are not sympathetic at all. I've never really had a proper relationship because I'm embarrassed by my body - I'm not a man, not a boy, I don't know what I am...
I'm pretty sure that my problems were caused by environmental pollutants - certain pesticides and other chemicals can interfere with the male hormone system - endocrine disruptors, and stop testosterone binding with their receptors in the body. But there seems to be nothing I can do about this - once the pollutants are in your body they cannot be gotten out easily unfortunately.
I have tried to be optimistic about my life, but I must confess I am finding it more and more difficult. I think I am finally slipping into depression, and I'm surprised it has taken this long.
But as for you - I would say please, please, please visit your doctor and tell them your concerns. Ask them to test your hormone levels. For me, my testosterone levels were normal so they could not help - but if yours are low or there is some other problem they may be able to help & give you synthetic testosterone to give a boost. This could change your life completely for the better. And even if they cannot help, try not to give up hope. One of the things I learned was to make a joke of my situation. It used to really really bug me, but then one day I don't know why, I was with a friend and I just made a joke about it. Although to me it wasn't really funny, it was more a joke of despair, this other guy found it funny and it helped to erase some of the social embarrassment... I mean, maybe for you it might not work, it might be something different - but find a way to deal with it. To be honest I have often thought about suicide also and wondered "Why me? Why is God punishing me alone?", but on the other hand, why should I be forced to sacrifice my life because of this?? I generally like the person that I am inside, I try to be a good person, and it isn't right or fair that I should give up my life because there is something wrong with my physical body. I'm more than just my body aren't I?
Well, that's pretty much all I have to say right now, though I could write a novel on this subject. I'm new to this forum so I don't know exactly how it works but if you want to talk to me, please get in touch. Cheers.


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