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TRIGGER: Getting really desperate
writewritewrite posted:
This is my first time ever posting to a community.

I've suffered from severe depression and anxiety for nearly 10 years now, if I only count years since diagnosis. I've tried over 30 medications and combinations and have never found relief. It's been a year since I graduated from college and it's gotten so much worse in this small time. I fixate on suicide and romanticize the concept of death. I've come out as a full-blown atheist and resent ignorantly happy people. I don't talk to anyone around me much about my condition because their happy-founded responses nauseate me. If I do feel the need to try to bring someone to my level, I start with the most shocking and dark things I have in the depths of my mind and experience, almost to wake them up from their reality and bring them into mine.
I've been laid off from two jobs in the past year due to inconsistencies and missing deadlines.
I've struggled to maintain friendships and have had psychotic breaks.
I've put myself in $6000 of debt since graduation.
I have frequent severe headaches, toothaches, I go days without eating, my reaction time and coordination has been off (I've hit things and been in fender-benders several times in the past months), I'm less sharp, I sleep or lay in bed every moment I can, I can hardly ever get myself to shower or get ready, and my memory continues to diminish.

I've had several doctors suggest ECT to me. I'm wondering if I should try it. My biggest fear is that it won't work, and I'll lose all faith in ever getting relief. I must be frank when I say if I live another year starting this month suffering like this, I will end my life. I need this depression to end by any means I can. It's absolutely intolerable and I can't live my life like this much longer. Anyone with advice or experience with this deep of circumstances please help.
deasertrose responded:
Dear Write
I know what you are going through. Well most of it anyway. I have tried (shoot I can't count anymore) meds in many combinations and they haven't worked. Right now I take 8 pills and 8 other pills for other things. I had ECT in 2004 It worked for several years the only thing is my memory. I don't remember any thing around the year of ECT. The rest of my memory lost no one can tell me whats causing it. I can't remember anything any more. I can't recommend anything about the ECT just give you my experiences cause I still haven't decided if I should have it done again. So people say.

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