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    What's wrong with me?
    An_249493 posted:
    All my life I have felt like a loser. I'm fat and always have been and my family has never let me forget that. I'm short, i'm a nerd, i'm not good at any sports and i'm not exceptionally intelligent. My family made fun of me a lot and made me cry almost every day for being fat. My mom treated me like crap because it took me longer than most to be able to use the bathroom on my own. I used to soil my pants and she would scream at me until I cried and then lock me in my room until I was done crying. I also used to have horrible recurring nightmares. I would have dreams that no child my age should have had and when I woke up screaming or crying naturally would go to my mother. The odd things was that whenever I cried I cried for my dad but he died just before I was born. Anyway, when I walked into her room she would yell at me for waking her up and eventually when I was around eight she told me if I ever woke her up again she would beat my ass. I never went into her room again. When I had a nightmare I would whimper, terrified until I could fall asleep again. Once when I was very young, maybe six, I accidentally peed in the bath water she ran. She started to drain it and then got mad and started yelling that I could bathe in piss and throwing cupfuls of water in my face very aggressively. I tell you these things as a precursor... Until the eight grade I had never felt loved. In fact the only time my mother ever told me she loved me was if I asked her to say it. That happened once. In the eight grade I met a girl. She was and still is beautiful. She became my friend at the end of the previous year. We had our homeroom together and we got closer. She told me I deserved a girlfriend and asked me who I liked. A few day later I confessed that I loved her. That she was the only person who made me feel like she cared. Unfortunately she had just started dating another guy... I didn't care. I was still her best friend. I cared about her and she about me... One day she gave me a letter saying that she cared a lot for me and maybe we should be together. I was so happy. The nest day she told me she culdn't. That she wasn;t sure how she felt. It crushed me. That day I tried to commit suicide. My stepfather had a rifle in the garage. I broke into the case and I spent hours looking for the bullets and couldn't find any. I told her about it and she cried and hugged me so hard I started crying too. She said she couldn't imagine living without me and never to do that to her. The next year in the ninth grade we started dating. That is all a long story and I don't think i would even have enough characters to say it... The important parts are that we were very happy for a long time. We had big fights sometimes but we loved each other. We spent 4 years together. We were each other's first. 13 months ago she got pregnant. We lost the baby to a miscarriage. She can't have children on her own. I didn't care. I loved her more than anything. Passing to the present, we are not together. She left me because she didn't know what she wanted from her life. I have been devastated over this... She says she still loves me and she just needs time to figure things out... the problem is she has some issues with anger and control and it has caused a trust barrier. She wants to party and club and drink and meet new people (not to be with just as friends) and I can't handle it. She was all I had. There is no one else in this world that makes me feel loved. I don't want to spend my life alone. I can't. I sit in bed every night thinking "tonight 'll kill myself". I'm getting closer. Every time I try to talk to er she gets pissed at me and curses and yells and insults me... Then she will be nice the next day. She was supposed to start therapy for these issues but she hasn't... I'm going to lose her forever and I don't want to live anymore. My life is terrible. Without her I literally have nothing to live for.
    lissmeanstrouble responded:
    To be quite honest with you, the way your mother treated you as you were growing up doesnt have much to do with you and your girlfriend. Im not sure why that information was a precursor to that story. To describe that you have been feeling depressed since a young age?
    A therapist would be great for you to speak with, they can easily help you sort out what kind of feelings you should hold onto, and which you should let go, and they will help you understand your mothers behavior from an outside point of view, and some times it helps just to feel validated in your concerns.
    It sounds like your girlfriend wants to explore. I am guessing you are about 18? Thats pretty young to be getting pregnant and starting a family, maybe the miscarriage made her feel that she had alot of things shed like to experience before she settles down, and there is nothing wrong with that.
    If you and her do not end up back together you must realize that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. And that when a person sees you they dont see the "fat" kid whos mother yelled at him for peeing in the tub. She took that a bit too far, but she sounds as if she has anger issues, not your fault buddy.
    I know you love your girlfriend and cant imagine anyone else in your life but her, but thats because shes all you have ever allowed yourself to know and you could be pleasantly surprised to find out there are lots of other girls out there who would love to date a sweet boy like you!
    whatsthepoint11 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
    I wish I could have clarified, but the precursor was kind of to explain why I feel like I don't have anyone that loves me. I wish I had the money for a therapist but I don't, and frankly neither does my mother. It does help to feel validated but it isn't enough to make my feelings go away. I have a really hard time putting things in the past because I have nothing now and can't see anything in my future. And when I say I have nothing I mean it. I have tried very hard to think of something good in my life. Something that I could focus on to make me happy at least for a little while and I always come back empty handed. I have a roof over my head and food and clothes, and I don't pretend to be worse off than the majority of the planet, but I still feel so alone and unloved.
    You're close on the age. We are nineteen. The miscarriage was a year ago to the day and we didn't know what we were going to do before it happened. Maybe she did feel like she had more to experience, but why did it have to be like this? Why does she have to get drunk and go clubbing and flirt around? All this time she told me she loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me forever. Even after we lost the baby...
    I want to say thank you for replying at all. The fact that you saw this and replied at all helps a little bit.
    After we broke up she wanted to be friends. She wanted the possibility of having me back in the future. After a few days I agreed and we tried to set basic boundaries. We didn't want anyone else so it was agreed that neither of us should mess around with or flirt with (etc) other people. I also didn't want her to get completely wasted. She has some poor judgment skills. She agreed. The third thing I asked was that she go to therapy because we had agreed before that she needed to go for some anger and self control issues she has. It has been two months since that happened. In that course of time my Nana died. My birthday was a week later and it was the first one in four years I spent alone. She wasn't with me on thanksgiving like usual. Now Christmas will pass and i'll be alone. She hasn't gone to therapy even once. She doesn't talk to me very much. She yells at me when I want to see her for a while, and the night before I wrote this she called me drunk and said that she just got back from the club (she drove home drunk) and that I should be thankful because unbelievably hot guys hit on her all the time and she says nope. That was all a huge blow to my hopes and my self-esteem. She is very pretty even though I'm not very attractive and I have always been scared some hot guy would come by and she wouldn't want me anymore. Now she doesn't want me anymore and she is surrounded by them at a club where she is dancing. It's a hip hop club. She isn't doing the Waltz. I say all of this because I'm worried that even though I still love her so much i'll be hurt and unhappy regardless of if we get back together because of all of the lies she has told me and the way she has treated me.
    If I could find someone else I would be happy. The problem is I'm 19... These girls don't care how funny and sweet I am. If I'm not hot they don't want me, and I don't know that I can ever really love anyone else. I know that i'll always feel the pain of losing my child and because of that my love will always be split between my ex and anyone new I might find.
    Lastly, before I had my girlfriend I was very depressed. I hated my life, my family and myself, and I often prayed that god would kill me in my sleep. After she started dating me I had purpose, and she cared about me a lot. Now that she is gone I feel back to where I was. My life hasn't gotten any better. I still can't feel any love from my family. I feel like I have no choice but to just take my own life. Why would I live in a world I no longer have any stake in?
    lissmeanstrouble replied to whatsthepoint11's response:
    Well Ill introduce myself, as a 24 year old woman who can probably set herself in your girlfriends shoes. I had a high school sweetie, we were together for 4 years, and he asked me to marry him. But things were really unrealistic in my view, because he did not have a job, he had dropped out of school, he only wanted to stay home and play Halo on his Xbox, he started smoking cigarettes and I wanted him to at least try and find work, since he wanted to get married, and I had never planned on being the main bread winner for my family. Back then I loved that boy with all my heart and soul, I felt like with out him a piece of me was dying. we broke up and got back together a few different times, but he was being violent with me, cause he did not like my suggestions to help him get a job and move out of his moms. I just wanted him to try for himself and for me. I am not sure what his inner issue was cause he wasnt very vocal or open with me about himself, just that he loved me and didnt wanna let me go. He still loves me I know to this day, cause I recently became engaged to a man who is ten years older then me. He wrote me on facebook saying he couldnt believe I wasnt marrying him even though its been years since we were together. It makes me sad for him that he can not move on. He still has no job, still lives with his mom, and is running from the cops on a felony for drinking and driving and evading arrest.
    Im so happy I never married him because hes a loser.
    Some times GROWING UP is hard to do.
    Im sorry if I sound like im being harsh, but if you want to feel better you NEED to let go of your childhood problems, you need to work and gain new experiences, meet new people, thats the ONLY way your going to be able to move on. And YES YOU CAN DO IT, anyone can. Dont get inside your own head, and feed yourself negativity dude!
    I started clubbing and dancing at the hip hop club and coming home drunk and yeah, my ex didnt like that either, but I was having fun, and he wasnt so what did I wanna go back to him, and not have fun for?
    You need to PLEASE YOURSELF before you can make some one else happy.
    Take some time to heal YOURSELF before you try to heal her, and get her back. You feel me?
    lissmeanstrouble replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
    Im not saying your a loser, but im just saying, she wants to have new experiences and maybe she feels like you are holding her back because your stuck in the past...
    whatsthepoint11 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
    It's not really like that. I didn't feel this way when I was with her. She was my saving grace from those feelings I had because of my family. I have a job, I have goals, I'm not violent, and I spent tons of time with her (which we both enjoyed, I wasn't like smothering her). We are both still attracted to each other and we are both still in love with each other which is what makes this so hard. Also I understand that your ex didn't like you drinking and clubbing, but you gave no intention of being together again. We agreed that we still wanted to be together in about five months. What you did was solely for you and I'm glad you were happy, but she and I still want to spend our lives together, and because of that her actions are becoming very hurtful. I don't blame her for needing time to do different things, but she broke the promises she made about what she would and wouldn't do.
    Maybe I held her back, but I guess it's because of the trust issues she caused. She made me feel scared that she would cheat or leave me for someone else for no reason at all. I told her many times that I needed to be warmed up to new things like clubs but each time I started to feel a little less uncomfortable with the idea of going to one, she would do something that hurt me and/or broke my trust ad I would be back to self-conscious square one. I don't know. I DO wish that I could have been more open minded but it's so hard when she makes mistakes that hurt me. Maybe I should let go of the past and try to move on, but I need some kind of assurance that she won't be and WE won't be repeating the mistakes we have already made. How can I get that?
    UnknownJourney replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
    I'm thinking he mentioned his mother because the girlfriend does things that remind him of his mother, including yelling and calling him names and such. And a lot of times, we misplace our love on others from someone we didn't get it from, so he's wanting it even more from her because he's not getting the satisfaction out of it because he didn't with his mother either. He's not getting what he wants. I do this too. I'm never satisfied. My mother stopped talking to me over a decade ago, and my girlfriend gets angry with me when I'm not a certain way, and I get angry at her. It hurts when she doesn't seem to really be there with me, but I have to understand she's her own person and I'm not allowed to consume all of her time, just like this guy wants to do with his girlfriend. It's separation anxiety, it's self loathing and yet self centered all at once; passive aggressive behavior that hurts him in the long run.
    whatsthepoint11 replied to UnknownJourney's response:
    I have thought of that before and I agree with you about why I feel the need for extra love from my ex, but I don't demand all of her time. Actually before we broke up we just went to school separately went to work separately, and then we would come home to each other at night and watch some netlfix, be intimate, cuddle, and sleep. We both loved it. We both still do. I haad a long talk with a friend and I realized that I should have been more open minded about what we did together such as clubbing but it was really the trust issues that held me back. I was always insecure because I'm not lean and muscular or tall, and I'm not one of those naturally attractive guys.
    Survivor2007 replied to whatsthepoint11's response:
    I would very much like to recommend that you look up the definition of borderline personality disorder. It sounds like that is what you have been dealing with with both your mother and your ex girlfriend. You have not been able to resolve your issues of rejection and distance with your mother, and have found someone who treats you the same that she did in your efforts to resolve those issues. It is not unusual for people to find a mate that is much like their parent in an effort to resolve the issues they had with the parent. In the long run, it will not work. The issues that you have with rejection and lack of security are issues that you will have to find resolution to within yourself. There are community resources that you can utilize for counseling, and I would very much recommend Alanon. You need to learn to not measure your self worth by your ability to obtain and maintain relationships with dysfunctional people. Regarding looks, we are what we are. It is the personality inside the body that is what others respond to. You certainly have yourself convinced that you are worthless...and most likely this is what you project to others.
    Consider the burden that it puts on someone else to be completely responsible for your happiness, your security, your self image. Do you really believe that that is how love is defined? Would you want to know that your partners life is totally dependent on you?
    Only you can change your circumstances. If you continue to present yourself as someone who is "nothing" without someone else to define will find yourself being the nothing that you are choosing to be. Who are YOU?? What do you like, what are your ambitions, what are your interests? You are letting your story be written by are an adult now and can no longer use the reason of your neglect and abuse as your reason to not function. It is time for you to write your own story....your book, your pen.....your story. Will you allow these early experiences to define all of who you are and all of who you will be?
    I'm sorry if I sound harsh....but I have worked with young men in the mental/behavioral health field for over 30 years. I am a retired counselor. And I have always practiced reality therapy. If you had the time and money for intensive psychotherapy, great. But you don', it is time to accept that it is what it is....and if you don't like it, do something about it. Wallowing in self pity (please, not trying to hurt you)...will do nothing to help you to move forward. Time to strike out in a new direction, and decide what really matters to you....who are you?? how do you define yourself? what makes you interesting?
    I hope that you are able to let go of your sadness. Mourn for the loss of something that could have been, and then let it go and don't turn back.
    Blessed be young man.....
    thistledown1973 replied to whatsthepoint11's response:
    You lost your dad before you knew him, your mother doesn't deserve the title of "mother"; she was incubation bottle from which you were decanted and yet you still manage to love her despite her horrific treatment.

    Your mom needs intensive help, and you have deep soul wounds and scars from childhood. You need to heal. So you're not athetic, slim, "good-looking" (what does THAT mean?)...I didn't look for physical attributes in a mate. I looked for the beauty of the soul inside.

    Your girlfriend is YOUNG. You are YOUNG. There is nothing wrong with you that keeps her away; more like she wants to know what she will be "missing" if she makes a lifetime commitment to you. Many young men and women feel the need to be "sure" before settling down, no matter who much they love the other person.

    Patience sweetheart...
    UnknownJourney replied to whatsthepoint11's response:
    I hope it works out for you. I really do.
    lissmeanstrouble replied to whatsthepoint11's response:
    Id like to reiterate a comment that another poster made:
    You certainly have yourself convinced that you are worthless...and most likely this is what you project to others.

    That is the biggest part of the message im trying to get acrossed, and the other part of my message im trying to get acrossed and I could be wrong, but given that you are having continual porblems with your girlfriend, is that she is trying to move on with her life, and doesnt know how to let you go with out breaking your heart.

    She already knows shes broken your heart, and it sounds like she is getting frustrated and yelling at you, then turning around and being nice because you make her feel badly about how shes treated you, when if she is going to keep up her behavior, is the wrong thing to do, if shes gonna keep clubbing and arguing with you over it, she ought to make the decision to leave you rather then making you think you have a chance when shes not sure.
    This is what Im getting from what I have heard.
    lissmeanstrouble replied to thistledown1973's response:
    Thistledown has very good points I strongly agree with also. I suggest you take advice from Thistledown as well...

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