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No light at the End of the Tunnel
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Mxyzptlk posted:
I unlike a lot of you, am the one who IS depressed and NOT the one living with a depressed person.
I believe I have been depresssed for MOST of my life. As a teenager I actively entertained the Idea of "eating" a bullet and ending it all. Obviously I did not do that.
So, I can't put a date on when I became "depressed" or when I started to feel a very real sense that there just wasn't any use in trying to make life "better" 'cause it just wasn't going to happen.
How do I feel some of you might ask or not as the case may be. I feel like pure crap to be honest. I have no job. I searched intently for about a year and couldn't find work or for that matter anyone who would even call me in for an interview. So, no work. No work, no pay. No pay and I am flat broke. My Wife is working 3 jobs to make ends meet and due to my depression or (?) something I just for the most part don't give a damn.
She loves me like I was the greatest guy on the planet. I love her too. But, for any reason , for NO reason, a good reason, a bad reason, a big reason, a small reason ,etc, we fight. I am angry ALL the time and don't really know why.
I had a fall in 2006 working for the family, for NO pay, NO benifits, NO insurance, NO respect and very damned little gratitude and broke my back. I have Meniere's disease and so my balance is screwed up. I have sleep apnea and have had IT forever as well. In my case I use a CPAP but even with it- I do not EVER reach the stage of sleep where you get rest and your body rids itself of toxins in the brain , You know the Delta wave form of brain activity. With me it don't happen, EVER. Oh and BTW I hurt constantly --like 24x7 - 168 hrs out of every waking day I hurt. From the back of my head to the soles of my feet I hurt. I have (due to MANY long years of back breaking labor) degenerative joint disease in the 3rd,4th,and 5th Lumbar vertebrae. The disks have degenerated to the point that the vertebrae rub together sometimes and it feels like I have broken glass in the joints of my back. The T-3 or 3rd thoracic has a compression fracture that I believe I recieved in the fall I had mentioned earlier. I fell off the back of a Flatbed truck (18 wheeler) while unloading and landed "flat as a fritter" as my dad use to say on my back. I did the math and I hit the ground with OVER 8000 ft lbs of pressure , that's like having 2 full grown elephants stand on your chest or in my case back for about 1/10 to 1/4 of a second. Still long enough to mash the hell out of you. I also have had a broken neck and have pain associated with that.
So, #1 I am depressed and bipolar II ( or maybe depressed because I have CFS- my Psychiatrist hasn't decided yet)
#2 I am TIRED and not just like "jeez it's been a hard day at work " tired but more like I could not give damn if the sun comes up tomorrow TIRED, FATIGUED, WORE slap-ass OUT. My mind is foggy, I can't think straight, I get confused and forget what I'm doing just turning around RIGHT WHERE I AM STANDING.
This is HARD.
I used to out work ANY 3 men I ever had worked with and did it RIGHT the first time. What can I say, I was lazy and didn't want to do things twice.
I feel like for all intents and purposes my life is over.
Relationship-wise my life has really sucked too.
I am in my 4th marriage. First wife was abused sexually, mentally, physically before I ever met her and then later after we were divorced she was murdered and her body burned till NO DNA could be obtained for ID-ing her. #2 and #3 were also sexually abused. It seems that statistics show this happens to females in 8 out every 10 families. #4 - Abused too BUT she dealt with it in a better way than the others.
So, I've kinda had a hell of a life or Life has been HELL for me, depending on MY perspective.
So, to make things look "Better" as I head toward the grave I have the reasuring thought that after I have gone thru HELL here I get to go to another when I die - FOREVER !
Not TOO much to be DEPRESSED about is there ???
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thistledown1973 responded:
Mxyzptlk,
I wish I read this post first. Please consider they may be possible triggers in this. It is NOT my intent to cause you pain, but maybe lance some wounds or help you heal. I apologize in advance.

1) I still stand by the sentiment that whatever helps that is more benficial than harmful is a GOOD thing for you to be doing, medically, physically, etc. Acupuncture, medications, hot tub...medical marijuana. With the assistance of medical personnel, only YOU can choose the correct therapy(ies) that work for your health needs. I am NOT pushing any particular therapy.

2) When is the last time you had a sleep study performed? You don't need to answer this to me, I ask because one should be done annually, a couple months after a medication that affects sleep apnea is prescribed, or more a than 10% body weight change. Also facial hair, thick hair on the head, and different masks cans significantly alter the efficacy of the machine. My husband has obstructive sleep apnea (and has it for 20 years). If you were diagnosed with a specific disorder that does not allow you into delta sleep, I am at a loss as to what I might offer.

3) Are you a candidate for a nerve stimulator for the pain in your back? I work with a lady who has one for DJD and she just had back surgery last year to pin her lumbar spine together with bolts and rods (looks like a Terminator on her x-ray) and the nerve stimulator was there before and after the surgery and has helped her immensely.

4) Is it possible the fights you and your wife are having are because you want to be providing for the family and feel angry/helpless in your situation and hate seeing you loving wife work so hard to help you? Maybe she is upset because as hard she is working to help your family (and because she loves you so much she WANTS to work hard to help), she CAN'T do the ONE thing that she wants deperately to do: make you feel better and like your life has purpose beyond the pain.

5) You HAVE purpose; discover it. Know that those vows we make when take a mate in life are for better or worse and sickness and health and your wife is doing her albsolute best to keep those vows. She is frustrated because she cannot give you the one thing you need, only YOU can. Let her care for you and realize that it's OKAY to let her carry the load.

Look back and see if there is something in your past/childhood that sent your life in a direction that you would not have chosen for yourself, but was imposed upon you by family/friends/teachers. See if there is something your heart is whispering to you that the voices in your mind (peers, parents, society, self-image) is screaming to cover up. Quiet your mind and listen to your heart. Maybe you will find something you forgot about yourself that got squelched because it didn't fit what others wanted from/for you.
 
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AlexanderCali responded:
Hi,

I am new at this I have been suffering from severe depression for the past two years and fighting suicidal thogughts each day. It has been overwhelming to see what other people are going through. I too feel many times ther is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I just pray sometimes i feel i am losing my mind and going crazy but I pray and continu praying . i am still here and have not ended it and I just hope that things get better for you man. my life has had changed severely for worst in these last two years inm every sense. I will pray for you and i hope god betters everything in your life. I f you want to talk trhough msn or skype or e-mail let me know. god bless you man your not alone
 
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itmatsb replied to AlexanderCali's response:
You don't mention being on medication for your severe depression. Are you on meds? If so, they need to be changed.
 
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johnnydavid responded:
Your the first person i have come across that describes my feelings and the life long misery i have traveled. I haven't had a real bad life, but i am never happy/satisfied. Enjoy very little of anything. Oh yea i am on 3 different depression meds. Have been taking meds since 1995. Felt great for a few months/year?? I thought my troubles were over and meds was the golden answer. It wasn't. I am much better than i was in 1995 today, at least i don't wish for death every night before i go to bed, and was mad when i woke up because i lived. Never had to guts to take my life, but wanted to. Today, i seldom think of death or dying. For that i am thankful. I have trouble making friends, and yes i try. But when your not happy in life no one really wants to be around you a whole lot. I also feel that death will be the only relief, but like i said, just something i do not consider any more. I don't know why i am writing this, not sure who it may help, you or me, or no one. But at least you will know, your not alone in your misery.


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