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Mxyzptlk posted:
I posted earlier about depression and how I feel but don't think I adequately covered it. I am also A-mazaed by the overwhelming number of responses I have gotten

Thank you very much.

Most days I don't feel like doing ANYTHING, I feel SO bad I don't WANT to do anything.

I think that this is where people who don't have to deal with depression on a VERY personal basis fail to gain understanding of the disease.

They say "get up and do SOMETHING" But, when it takes a seemingly superhuman effort to even go to the bathroom to relieve myself that SOMETHING can be a very small achievement. LIke getting out of bed, or washing my face, or maybe on a good day having the ENERGY - the initiative to overcome this OVERWHELMING weight on my mind to just wash my cereal bowl from breakfast.

I used to be up at all hours of the day and night working. And no it wasn't shift work, I drove trucks for a living and I drove to make MONEY - not just for the "fun" of it or as a means to see the country. Like some paid tourist.

I dorve, on slow weeks ( In my prime ), 3600 mi. to 3800 mi and on a week when I pushed - I have put in upwards of 6000 mi in a week. (7 day 168 hr period). I didn't do it for my health , My sole intent was to make as much money, as fast as I could, and GET THE HELL OUT before it killed me. I feel I should also mention that unlike some in the trucking industry I drove( 3million+mi ) without EVER using drugs to help -- I drove strictly on piss and vinegar and PURE determination.

I worked in similar ways on other jobs I've had putting in as many as 100 hrs in a week on an hourly or salaried job.

I was used to getting things done . ( emphatic PERIOD )

Now with the pain I have constantly, the RELENTLESS feeling of mind deadening fatigue, the depression, loss of balance from Menieres I am affectively disabled , permanently. This is as good as it is going to get for the REST of MY life.

I was so used to working around the clock I could lay down to sleep after going for days non-stop driving or building out a store ( I managed multiple multimillion $ retail locations ) ,doing construction or whatever paid me at the time - knowing I could sleep only an hour or two and WITHOUT an alarm I would wake at EXACTLY the time I needed to.

I shaved and showered every day.

Now I don't feel good enough to even WANT to simply wash my face and go for weeks without cleaning up ... at all.

You see this Depression and the Bipolar II that I suppose is an associated disease of the depression is kickcing my ass , literally, I feel like a one legged man in a Proffesional level Soccer match. And let tell you people so you will fully understand the gravity of that statement, NOTHING has ever affected me like this in my LIFE before now.

I have been on a steady decline now for about ....well since about 2003.

I see a Psychiatrist regularly and my PCP as well, both are trying to help me get a grip on this and kick it's ass for a change but, ..... nothing has worked so far. Welbutrin - made me even MORE volitale than ever, Mirapex - no help, Abilify, Buspar, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Klonopin, Celexa, Trileptal...... no significant help. I am as depressed and as prone to blow up on ANYBODY as I would be (I think) without taking drugs at all.

I see a therapist weakly and she tells me I have guilt, anger and grief issues I need to deal with. And gets that information from a questionaire I filled out prior to meeting her about "who I think I am" . Amazing,the insight that woman does have !

I don't exercise, if I do I am in worse pain than usual for DAYS afterward.

I read about many things on my computr and try to keep my mind as busy, although much of the time I sleep in front of it and don't even know WHEN I went to sleep ...like a Narcoleptic.

I did have an IQ of 158. Nearly genius level. I am still no "dumby". I know if I don't throw this off of me and somehow get better it will kill me but, so far I am unsuccessful.

I guess I'm just too tired/ depressed to fight anymore.
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thistledown1973 responded:
That is one incredible shift in your life circumstances; overwhelming to read, even more so to live I imagine.

My aunt suffers from PTSD and biploar, and it took much trial and error to find only ONE combination of two medications that worked and to which she wasn't severly allergic. There are many more medications than when she was diagnosed; I have hope they will find some drug/combination that will give you relief.

As for the Menieres, have they found anything to slow/halt/reverse it? Are there other health issues beyond these (depression, bipolar, Menieres) that cause you physical/mental pain? Relief in one area might help relieve the others by releasing some of the oppressing load you are carrying (though I am sure you probably know this already).

I would like to use an example to contemplate, not to compare or even suggest that you have similar circumstance. You state your intellectual capability (IQ) and that you were always motivated to get much done. In all that time did you ever sit still and contemplate things greater than you? Do you have any interests, passions, things you wanted to learn/discover?

I think of Stephen Hawking, a man with an incredible mind that only expanded as his body steadily turned upon itself. Your body has turned upon itself, but your mind is obviously still there. What can you offer yourself in intellectual food? What can you offer to others from that knowledge? What wisdom have you gained in your lifetime that you can share to help another?

You are not the person you were ten years ago, and you are also not the same person you were when you got up this morning, took the next breath, blinked your eyes again. We are ever-shifting beings that forget we change constantly and can't understand why aren't able to do the same things we did years ago.

At the risk of upsettng you, on some level do you wonder/feel guilty or angry that some of the reason you have issues now is because you drove yourself so relentlessly in the past? DON'T.

We all walk a path in life and there are cause and effects, some are choices, some are random. Blame solves nothing. Dwelling in the past solves nothing. The only thing remembering the past serves to do is to give us the wisdom to be more mindful in choosing what we do in the present.

You MAY have driven yourself too hard, now is the time to step back and give yourself love, compassion, and rest for all the time you did above and beyond. Learn what makes you feel better in all aspects of your life.

If something eases physical pain (hot tub, massage, liniment, acupuncture, laying flat in bed), as long as the benefit is more than the potential harm (as in medications) then do it.

If cleaning up is too difficult, maybe a smaller home with less possessions would suit. Oftentimes clutter exacerbates emotional/mental stress or illness, which exacerbates the physical pain/illness. A clean, simple living space can make a huge difference, and you may be able to keep up with it better or afford a housekeeper (no assumptions on income).

I truly hope you find the keys to you easing your pain and may you feel better.
 
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AlexanderCali responded:
hi,

Well this is the first time I use this online support group. I read and identify with many of the things you said. My life changed drastically two years ago in every sense due to crhonic back pain. I had never suffered from depression and had a successful career and happy life. Nowadays I am just struggling day by day to see the day through. This time of the year is specially hard for me. I coudl say this last year was the worst in my life. I dont know why some people suffer more tha others or even how to deal with this depression. The only thing I can tell you is I understand what your going through because basically a lot of the things you have said are happening to me. I pray the god may give us the strength to move on and get better. God bless you man. I f you want to talk through skype or msn or e-mail let me know. Your not alone.
 
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itmatsb responded:
It sounds like in addition to the problems that you mentioned, you may also suffer from fibromyalgia. Ask your doctor if medication for that might help you.


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