Depression Community

I posted earlier about depression and how I feel but don't think I adequately covered it. I am also A-mazaed by the overwhelming number of responses I have gotten

Thank you very much.

Most days I don't feel like doing ANYTHING, I feel SO bad I don't WANT to do anything.

I think that this is where people who don't have to deal with depression on a VERY personal basis fail to gain understanding of the disease.

They say "get up and do SOMETHING" But, when it takes a seemingly superhuman effort to even go to the bathroom to relieve myself that SOMETHING can be a very small achievement. LIke getting out of bed, or washing my face, or maybe on a good day having the ENERGY - the initiative to overcome this OVERWHELMING weight on my mind to just wash my cereal bowl from breakfast.

I used to be up at all hours of the day and night working. And no it wasn't shift work, I drove trucks for a living and I drove to make MONEY - not just for the "fun" of it or as a means to see the country. Like some paid tourist.

I dorve, on slow weeks ( In my prime ), 3600 mi. to 3800 mi and on a week when I pushed - I have put in upwards of 6000 mi in a week. (7 day 168 hr period). I didn't do it for my health , My sole intent was to make as much money, as fast as I could, and GET THE HELL OUT before it killed me. I feel I should also mention that unlike some in the trucking industry I drove( 3million+mi ) without EVER using drugs to help -- I drove strictly on piss and vinegar and PURE determination.

I worked in similar ways on other jobs I've had putting in as many as 100 hrs in a week on an hourly or salaried job.

I was used to getting things done . ( emphatic PERIOD )

Now with the pain I have constantly, the RELENTLESS feeling of mind deadening fatigue, the depression, loss of balance from Menieres I am affectively disabled , permanently. This is as good as it is going to get for the REST of MY life.

I was so used to working around the clock I could lay down to sleep after going for days non-stop driving or building out a store ( I managed multiple multimillion $ retail locations ) ,doing construction or whatever paid me at the time - knowing I could sleep only an hour or two and WITHOUT an alarm I would wake at EXACTLY the time I needed to.

I shaved and showered every day.

Now I don't feel good enough to even WANT to simply wash my face and go for weeks without cleaning up ... at all.

You see this Depression and the Bipolar II that I suppose is an associated disease of the depression is kickcing my ass , literally, I feel like a one legged man in a Proffesional level Soccer match. And let tell you people so you will fully understand the gravity of that statement, NOTHING has ever affected me like this in my LIFE before now.

I have been on a steady decline now for about ....well since about 2003.

I see a Psychiatrist regularly and my PCP as well, both are trying to help me get a grip on this and kick it's ass for a change but, ..... nothing has worked so far. Welbutrin - made me even MORE volitale than ever, Mirapex - no help, Abilify, Buspar, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Klonopin, Celexa, Trileptal...... no significant help. I am as depressed and as prone to blow up on ANYBODY as I would be (I think) without taking drugs at all.

I see a therapist weakly and she tells me I have guilt, anger and grief issues I need to deal with. And gets that information from a questionaire I filled out prior to meeting her about "who I think I am" . Amazing,the insight that woman does have !

I don't exercise, if I do I am in worse pain than usual for DAYS afterward.

I read about many things on my computr and try to keep my mind as busy, although much of the time I sleep in front of it and don't even know WHEN I went to sleep ...like a Narcoleptic.

I did have an IQ of 158. Nearly genius level. I am still no "dumby". I know if I don't throw this off of me and somehow get better it will kill me but, so far I am unsuccessful.

I guess I'm just too tired/ depressed to fight anymore.