Hi avelas or Hello,
Did you know that chronic pain causes depression? And some people will have bad pain, when they get depressed. So right there, it sounds like a vicious circle.
If you want to meet people who suffer from depression, you've come to the right place. Almost everyone on here are depressed, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You need to know that it's a disease and the only thing you can do for it, is treat it, either with a doctor, medication or both.
First of all, stop being so hard on yourself, stop beating yourself up. I bet if you knew me, you wouldn't hate me, or be ashamed of me. You would probably be nice and try to help me. So why don't you deserve the same courtesy, & treatment? Stop being your own worse enemy. I like you, and it's just from reading the way you write, you sound very nice.
All the things you said, about not wanting to leave the house, having no goals, and not caring about waking up. They are all caused by depression. Have you seen a psychiatrist yet? You need some medication to help you get through this, you can get anti-depressants from your GP, until you can see the psychiatrist.
Are you in pain management for your back? Your GP should get you in it. You don't really want to die, you just want the pain (both mental, & physical) to stop. God is still with you, we leave him, he never leaves us. When I was very ill and in a lot of pain, I asked him to please give me strength, and to be by my side, while I was going through it. He did it, & by being by my side, I got a plus that I didn't ask for. I didn't have any pain, or throw up. So that was great. Ask him again in a different way.
I'm sure that you know your going to have to change your life. You need to find something you like, that you're able to do with your hurt back. Does the doctor give you anything for your pain? You also need someone to talk to, maybe a therapist? What are you doing for your back? You need help for sure, you can't do this alone.
There is no reason for you to be ashamed, you've been through a lot, in a short period of time. You've been doing the best you can, so be proud of your accomplishments. Try not to dwell on what you haven't done, instead try and see all that you have done. Write again if you feel like it. I hope I didn't sound like a know it all. If I did, I'm sorry.
There are a lot of people on here, that know just the right things to say. I'm sure other people will ans. you to. God bless.
Luke