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    so very lonely
    whatisexpectedofme posted:
    I am afraid of me. I don't deserve to have the 3 animals that I do because they love me. I don't deserve their love. I certainly DO NOT have the love of my husband. He forgot my birthday. One of our sons had to remind him, then tonight we went out for dinner for what I thought was OUR annivrsary dinner (34 years). When we were seated I toasted to him to have a happy anniversary and all I got back was a grunt. On top of that he said that this was my night - not our night. There is no intimacy any more. I am constantly crticized because my depression causes me to have trouble at times talking and expressing myself. He gets mad at me and makes me feel even smaller and a nothing person. I had started having times when my emotions were so torn up I was turning to physical abuse (punching myself - hitting myself in the face - biting myslf - and I have considered cutting. I heard that it makes the pain go away for a little while.) I do not know what to do to anymore. If I commited suicide, I do not know what would happen to my animals and they deserve the best. I feel so very alone. I hate to call my psychiatrist or therapist because any one thing seems so little - but they keep adding up and up and I feel he is helping himself feel superior when he cuts me down verbally. Where do I go? I can't leave him - not enough money - no where to go with my dogs and my horse. Is there anybody out there that can talk to me - please? I am so tired of being alone both inside and outside. Please tell me what to do other than hurt myself or die by my own hand. There is no end to the pain inside and it is getting worse by the day.
    itmatsb responded:
    You have a chemical illness called depression that needs anti-depressant medication as well as perhaps another mental illness. You should take a copy of your posting to your psychiatrist. If you are taking medication, it isn't working and needs to be changed. Once you can get the depression under control, then you can start setting boundaries for the way your husband needs to treat you. Marraige counseling as well as counseling for yourself would be very helpful to you. If your psychiatrist is not helping you, find another one. There are certainly some worthless doctors out there. Get the help that you need. And stay alive for your 3 animals if nothing else until you can get better. Let me know how you are doing. Good luck.
    Demons2011 responded:
    itmatsb had some excellent suggestions for you to try. I really hope you copy your post and take it to your doctors. It may give them a real sense of where you're at emotionally. Some times we pour to much of our selves into our pets or animals. I know I have. When we should be pouring more into our selves. Depression is a rough road, and the doctors honestly don't know enough on how the brain works. Sorry to say and I don't want this to be mean, but they are still in the feathers and beads stage. Which isn't much help to us.
    whatisexpectedofme replied to itmatsb's response:
    Thank you so very much! I am afraid of letting my psychiatrit or therapist see what I wrote. Please don't ask me why because i don't know why. Things get easiy confused in my head that I don't know what I am doing.

    Your concern and care are obvious in your reply. It is so comforting to have someone say there can be a future.

    whatisexpectedofme replied to Demons2011's response:
    think I understand what you are talking about. The brain and all its twists and turns is hard to figureout. I will consider taking a copy of my post to my therapist tomorrow. I am getting more tired every day of living. I am afraid I may reach the point that I stop trying. My animals give me a reason to fight on. What is "funny - sarcastically", I just had to have my English bulldog put down for cancer, my horse may have cancer (we are getting started on her tests but she has lost approximately 150 pds. in the last month - not good) and my newest dog has heartworms. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing half the time. It would be so hard to lose another friend now. I do not have human friends and that is my own doing. I was backstabbed A LOT by the people I most trusted so I will do things to alienate people away from me.

    Sorry about that !! I didn't mean to get off on a tangent. Don't worry, i have been told. There is always an answer to everything.


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