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so very lonely
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whatisexpectedofme posted:
I am afraid of me. I don't deserve to have the 3 animals that I do because they love me. I don't deserve their love. I certainly DO NOT have the love of my husband. He forgot my birthday. One of our sons had to remind him, then tonight we went out for dinner for what I thought was OUR annivrsary dinner (34 years). When we were seated I toasted to him to have a happy anniversary and all I got back was a grunt. On top of that he said that this was my night - not our night. There is no intimacy any more. I am constantly crticized because my depression causes me to have trouble at times talking and expressing myself. He gets mad at me and makes me feel even smaller and a nothing person. I had started having times when my emotions were so torn up I was turning to physical abuse (punching myself - hitting myself in the face - biting myslf - and I have considered cutting. I heard that it makes the pain go away for a little while.) I do not know what to do to anymore. If I commited suicide, I do not know what would happen to my animals and they deserve the best. I feel so very alone. I hate to call my psychiatrist or therapist because any one thing seems so little - but they keep adding up and up and I feel he is helping himself feel superior when he cuts me down verbally. Where do I go? I can't leave him - not enough money - no where to go with my dogs and my horse. Is there anybody out there that can talk to me - please? I am so tired of being alone both inside and outside. Please tell me what to do other than hurt myself or die by my own hand. There is no end to the pain inside and it is getting worse by the day.
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lukeperry responded:
So Very Lonely,

I'm sorry that your so lonesome, but you do deserve your animals. Why do you think somebody else deserves them, and not you? You deserve a nice husband, you deserve all the pet's that you can take care of. You deserve everything in life, that you want. Why would somebody else deserve these things and not you? Your husband is making your depression worse, or he might be causing the whole thing.

You need to find a way to get away from him. He's the reason that you feel unworthy of anything. If somebody kept telling me I was worthless, stupid, ugly, or my favorite, "you can't ever leave me, you can't take care of yourself, who would hire you?" Oh yell, I remember why that all sounded so familiar to me. My ex use to treat me like that, and say all those things.

My family and friends asked me, "what is that man doing to you, your loosing the light, that you use to have behind your eyes." My mother, who doesn't believe in divorce told me to get out of that house, before he stole my soul. That was after I'd only been married for 6mo. I didn't leave right then, (because of money) I did leave 7mo. later and had to move in with my mother (i didn't want to do that, but it was the lesser of the two evils.)

He will destroy you, if you stay, & It sounds like your already at the end of your rope. Can you move in with anybody, or give him his own bedroom, and don't speak while your saving some money? (don't dare tell him what your doing) All I know is by the time I left, I felt 4"tall, and useless. But I had 2 children to support, so I went out and got a job within 3days. See, he was so wrong about me, and so is yours.

He is constantly, mentally abusing you, to keep you small and make him big. You need to start fighting back, and not let him win! Is he violent or anything like that. To me, mental abuse is probably the worse. Can you stay with your mom, sister, or a friend for a month? As if depression isn't bad enough, you have him on your back also. Write back, if you feel like it and good luck. Stop listening to, or believing a thing, that comes out your hubby's mouth.

Luke
 
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AlexanderCali responded:
you deserver all the good things life has to offer including your pets. start to concentrate on the positive things ypu have dont let people tear you apart you deserve better . I understand how you feel in regards to loneliness depression and the pain but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. god bless you.you we are not alone


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