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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I just had the most awful thought today while I was working.
I get into my head and spout awful thoughts about myself, and others.

I read another post from some one else in the anxiety community, and she sounded just like me, only she was much better at describing it. It was refreshing, but it caused me to think much too deeply.

I come across the thought that it wouldnt be so bad to kill myself or maybe do somethings to let my life quickly spiral out of my control, to the point where maybe I have a "tragic" drunk driving "accident" I thought that we all get old and die, and who knows when that will happen, why not make it your choice how it happens?

Oh Ive heard it before, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... and Ive had the answer to why I shouldnt kill myself before. But today it sounds like just the most rational thing to do. Isnt that crazy of me?

Most days I am truly thankful that I never gave up, and I kept on pushing, Ive enjoyed myself a good while...

Now that Im writing this I know just how bad it sounds and I hope I did not cause anyone else to have awful thoughts, but its ruminating, and I didnt know how else to get rid of it, so now you all have my thoughts to read....
lissmeanstrouble replied to chez1's response:
My relationship is going really well, we are a bit strapped for cash lately, which I hope will get better. I cant tell if my fiance has bad spending habits or if hes telling the truth, some of the things he tells me about his paychecks seem a little strange, but he did just start a new job and his bosses wife handles payroll and she hasnt gotten the ball rolling completely is what I understand.
I am actually pretty frustrated with him right now because we went on vacation and he had told me he was getting paid on Monday so I went ahead and spent freely thinking wed have our funds replenished when we got home. But he says that his boss decided to hold onto those hours til next check cause he only worked 6 hours because of the holiday that pay period. I was mad I wouldnt have spent all my money if he had been more specific... he keeps telling me that he told me that, but I do not recall, and he should have said something to me about spending all the money if he knew he wasnt getting paid. I was counting on his check to feed us this week, I sat at home waiting for bedtime to come yesterday cause we were broke, its cold outside, and theres nothing to do on Sunday. I told him how upset I was about running out of money and he said he can ask his boss to advance his check today so that set me at ease. But then when we went on vacation I was expecting to have alot of sex. We are a newly engaged couple and thats what we should do. I am worried that he is not as attracted to me, or maybe something is wrong with him that he is not telling me? because when I first met him, I could not keep him off of me, and now its almost been three months since we had sex. I told him this last night and he said something about the winter months makes him less in the mood.... which I guess makes sense kind of.
But other then that I am really happy with him, he is such a sweet and caring man, he is always doing his best to be useful around the house, he is so handsome and such a good dad to his kids. Im sure well have problems along the way but we can work through them...
I just need to get into gear and really focus and work hard at finding new job. Ive been applying for lots of jobs and no one calls, this tells me I need to revise my resume, but I have basically been too out of it to focus on writing a resume. But Im sure if I could find a new job alot of things would feel better for me.
Thanks for checking in on me chez I hope you enjoyed your holidays.

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