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I'd rather be dead then deal with this stress
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beautifulbuffalo posted:
Stress is killing me. Guilt is killing me.

I have to babysit for my grandson because my daughter is in the middle of a divorce and had to go back to work. I work Tuesday-Saturday. I have Sunday and Monday. I feel guilty if I leave my daughter at home and go do something. But my something could be going to get a bowl of soup just to get out of the house because I go crazy. I understand she is going through a hard time with this divorce.

This Sunday I am going out with my mother who is 74 and not in good health and I don't get to spend enough time with her and feel guilty that I'm going because my husband will be home and we don't get to spend time together anymore now that my daughter is living with us.

TO much guilt and stress and it's killing me.
BB
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chez1 responded:
Hi BB
I am going to sound like a real B, but i was out for lunch today with a friend who was so tired that all she wanted to do was go home and sleep. Her daughter (22 yrs old) sent her a text asking if she would drive her into town this evening - her response verbally was "not a chance" but her text said "what time and to where". She simply couldn't say no to her daughter.
I wonder BB if this is something that we fall into, we raise them, protect them from danger and when they are able to go out into the world and explore for themselves, they depend on us to keep them safe, or do for them as we always have??
I don't aim to criticise you or put my experiences onto you, but today just got me thinking about my life and yours.
My children are only 13 and 9 and I continue to protect them from the big bad world (sadly I am not that good at that) and probably stop them experiencing, exploring and learning for themselves.
I know now that I have to loosen the reigns but I am scared to do it, yet I also want them both to be independent in their work and social lives and be able to fend for themselves and their children if they ever come along. I will off course be there to help them and support them as much as I can, but I hope beyond hope, that they will be able to take on the responsibility and commitment to care and love their children as much I love them. Leaving me to be grandma and not mom!!
Grandparents as parents is way too popular and normal in this day and age,however I would imagine there is a local group that you could attend where others are in a similar situation as you.
BB, I have rambled on as this is something close to my heart, I want to say to you. that you have something and others to live for, it's not all mundane and pointless - please try and look at the positives and try to challenge your daughter to take on more responsibility for her children,
Please keep in touch
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily...........Zig Ziglar
 
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beautifulbuffalo replied to chez1's response:
I hear what your saying, but I have a problem saying no to people and I'm stressed out the whole time and then I get really depressed. I haven't even told my daughter that I'm going to spend the day with my mother tomorrow. I'm afraid. Why am I afraid. I'm 49 and she is 27. When am I going to have a life of my own. When I'm dead that's when.
BB
 
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Thistledown1973 responded:
Your daughter is full-grown adult and needs to find a way to take care of HER son. Sure, she is going through a tough time right now and you can be compassionate and sympathetic, but NOT to the detriment of your own health. Your mother took care of you until you were a grown woman with your own child, then you were responsible for your family. It is now your daughter's turn.

My husband and I moved 6000 miles from home to establish a new life with jobs (he was unemployed). We have no faimly network here; we had to work opposite shifts and trust relative strangers to watch our toddler and newborn (a licensed home daycare) and we managed without "grandmas and grandpas" or "aunts and uncles". Your daughter is responsible for your grandson's care. You can offer to watch him once in a while but you need to care for your well-being.

Your husband should understand the bond you have with your mother and let you visit with her, but truly I have only seen my mother TWICE in TEN YEARS (she can't travel much and the cost of flying our whole family is too steep). We talk and we understand that the love we share bridges any distance and makes those time we DO see each other that much more meaningful. Maybe you can schedule time with your husband and mother so that they don't overlap?

My grandsons have only seen their (paternal) grandmother ONCE in TEN YEARS. She spent SEVEN YEARS taking care of her mother rather than leave her bedside because "She might die any minute". Seven years she could have flown to see her grandsons, seven years of time watching them go from baby/toddler to young boy and young man.

Finally, why are you feeling guilty? You are imposing expectations on yourself that are unreasonable, and no one but you knows just how much you are carrying. It's like a thousand people each asking you to carry a rock. to each person, the request to carry a rock seems insignificant, unless you tell them you are already carrying 500 rocks. Let each of them know that you are being pulled in too many direcetions and ASK them to respect your health and help you figure out an equitable way to handle the load.
 
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itmatsb responded:
Read your postings. You are not spending much time with your mother who is in poor health and could be gone any day and you are not honoring your marriage by spending much time with your husband. Do you realize what you are saying? That you are letting your daughter who is a full adult cause you stress and guilt. She will give you grief the first time that you don't continue to be her slave. And she will continue to give you grief for a while, because you have trained her to be her slave. But she will get over it. Honor your mother and your husband by giving them some of your time. And most importantly, start honoring yourself by saying no and having a life of your own. It's up to you. Get counseling if you need it. But find a decent counselor who is interested in you having a life. This talk about death shows the stress of your daughter's demands are not worth it. Right??? You can do it.


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