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Will Going Into The Hospital Help Me After 40 Years of Treatment
havetolearntoaccept posted:
I was around 20 when I had my first major depression. It has been with me all these years and until almost 50 I did okay or even very well being on the right medications and therapy. Elavil worked until early 40's and Paxil since then. Now I have no doubt that genetics and being extremely sick (105 degree fevers) the first 10 years of life keeps me from never ever recovering from Depression. In 2005 I lost a 28 year job I loved and defined me to this horrible disease. I never worked after that, sold my house I turned into one of the nicest in the neighborhood, and now in a very little house nearby. In late 2009 I was also diagnosed with FMS and that was the end of my creativity. In 2010 my depression was labeled treatment resistant. I have been on every medicine there is and have had ECT which didn't work.
I don't think there is a psychiatrist better then the one I got. About 6 months ago I decided to try a 2nd psychiatrist and several other meds but none helped. So I stayed with my 1st psychiatrist and he and my CBT have been working for 2 years now to help me learn to live with my ever deteriorating condition. Thank God for him securing me disability because I don't know how I would survive.
There are no good days or even a few hours. The pain, extreme anxiety that makes me feel like I will explode, inability to do even monor tasks (I could for many years go from 5am to midnight multitasking while still dealing with depression when the meds worked), no interest in anything but I force myself to the healthclub, sweating from just trying to move, so I don't break down completely. I crash about 30 minutes later. I don't think of hurting myself but I do understand why anyone would want to end this. I have very little support but now there seems to be some people who are trying to understand.
People tell me I look good and i have fooled many for years. I feel like I am in jail in my own body and no where to turn.
I really don't want to try another psychiatrist and after all these years of treatment what could going into the hospital do. I am not catatonic, suicidal or wishing to hurt anyone else so I may not even qualify to be admitted.
Some people now, as in my meetings and CBT's office have seen me totally break down which I never do. It feels better then getting angry.
Does anyone here think that going into inpatient treatment, where I start fresh with new doctors and meds, will help?
I will be 60 in a few months.
Any advice will be appreciated.

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