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I feel lost, this isn't me and I don't know what to do anymore
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An_249846 posted:
I was diagnosed at 16 with depression. Put on several different medications to see what would help (last was Paxil, if I remember correctly). Eventually I stopped taking it (at 20) and things were fine. I had my first child in 2005 and luckily had no signs of PPD. My second child was born in 2010 and it was a very stressful pregnancy. Husband and I had many fights. After 2nd was born, we fought more, we had some issues, went to counselling.
I ended up on some new medication (Lexapro) which seemed to help a little. I stopped taking that shortly after feeling better (I hate medication - we've been trying to eat all healthy, organic foods and not ingest so many chemicals) and things were great for a year. This past summer wasn't so bad, I had a few moments of 'blah' but for the most part I was pretty happy. As soon as it got colder, I started going downhill (I can't stand the cold or snow - I have noticed for a few years now that I get more depressed once winter hits which is why I don't like it). I stopped working out - which was a 4-5 day a week routine for me; stopped caring about how I looked - hair stylist that has been a stay at home mom since beginning of 2012, however, I've always tried to stay looking nice because I feel better when I do; I stopped really caring about what I eat - I tend to force myself to eat so my kids will eat, otherwise I probably wouldn't eat much; I'm moody and fly off at every little thing - I love my kids and my husband to pieces, but I don't even want to be around them right now, they just really annoy me lately; I'm always tired and when I try to get to sleep at night I can't - I toss and turn and when I finally do get to sleep, I have to wake up anyway; my headaches have been almost daily (I suffer from migraines) and trying to get my husband to understand what that feels like to me and how it affects me is impossible - I've sent him links to websites as well as explained my symptoms and how I feel and he seems to understand but now he's all, "I can't live with a 'headache' for the rest of my life..." and I felt like walking out right then! I've felt like walking out of the house and driving off for a while now but I know I can't just leave my kids.
This is NOT how I am when I'm in a good mood. I can't seem to shake this bout of depression. It's causing a lot of problems with my family right now and I have no one to talk to. I can't afford to go to the doctor because our insurance is crap. We are basically broke but it would be pointless for to go to work because daycare is expensive and we have no access to a babysitter. I'm so stressed about it and I just don't know what else to do... (
This is just so hard... I know I have it better than a lot of people do right now, but in my head, I feel lost and alone and like I have nothing.
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