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    where to start
    An_250119 posted:
    hi everyone,
    i have read some of the posts and felt there is hope. so im trying this post in hopes of response to help me get out of this rut! so, here it goes-
    i am 25, have two small children, single mom, very hard worker and college student. Most people would feel blessed by those accomplishments alone so i feel some guilt complaining. i am severely depressed, angry, aggravated, opioid addicted, and uninsured. i have ongoing health issues that need to be addressed but aside from no insurance i am too into my depression to make an steps to get help. i am the typical "house wife" type.. or wish to be, and that's what causes much of my depression. the guilt everyday of two kids, different fathers, broken home, and i cant seem to find a decent man! so much guilt!! so the opioid addiction started about a mo. ago when i discovered they give me energy and happiness to deal with my kids and life in general. now i am faced with needing to get help and i just want to be a regular mom! i want to be ok with my everyday life, no matter how much i accomplish i am never happy. i have been on 200 mg of Zoloft for a cpl years and im still feeling horrible! i have mood swings that often trigger for a very small reason and they are uncontrollable and the whole day i will end up depressed or angry or both, unless i have opioids of course. anyway, im suspecting bipolar disorder but none of the types really describe me fully. my muscles twitch everyday and i feel embarrassed cause often its my neck and my head moves suddenly. i love my children but usually just don't want to deal with them, i cant concentrate, i cant remember things very well, i am heart broken beyond repair, along with all the other issues i described.. can anyone just comment please! i need help! i don't know what to do or where to start! i feel like a horrible mom and im really losing it!
    An_250119 responded:
    im sorry, the addiction started about a year ago.
    An_250167 responded:

    I'm shocked that it's been two days without a comment. I read your post and felt that I needed to reach out to you, if for no other reason than to offer my support, and maybe, just maybe, help myself at the same time.

    You said, "i am heart broken beyond repair". I can tell you with absolute certainty that I know how that feels.

    Please allow me to tell you a little bit about myself and my story.

    I'm 48, and I'm divorcing my wife for the 2nd time. Let me explain.

    I met my wife when I was 17. She was 16. Let's call her 'L'. I was on the rebound from a relationship with another girl that I was completely and utterly head over heels in love with. Let's call her 'C'.

    I met C when she was 15. I was 16. C was so beautiful. She and I were so in love.

    I messed up. I got C pregnant. Her father was military stationed overseas. C's mom found out, told the dad and that was that. I couldn't see her or talk to her. I went to her mom and begged, let me marry her. The answer was no. C's mom took her to get an abortion. This aborted the relationship as well. More on this later.

    Anyway, the story got out, and poor C was a ruined young woman, 'presumably' an easy mark. It made her life miserable. I was responsible.

    We tried many times to reunite, but things always got in the way, rumors mainly, and the rumors ended any attempt at a reunion.

    Senior prom came around. I had just returned from the state finals for cross country. I was the athlete from my school ever to make it to the regional and state finals. I was set up on a blind date with a drop dead gorgeous girl, a cousin of a friend...and a sure thing. Beautiful? Yes, but with the personality of a shoe. I lost interest and let her go away with someone else. During the night I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was C. She hugged me and congratulated me on my accomplishment. I could've cared less. She was so beautiful that night, I was still so in love with her. She came with a tennis jock, he was a joke. I asked her to save me a dance and she promised me she would.

    At the end of the night, when the music changes to the slow dances, she came for me. We danced for a long time. Dancing turned to kissing, Her date left, abandoning her. I drove her home...that was it. The next week the rumors started and it was all over, again.

    Enter L. L was beautiful, too. L gave herself to me our first night together. Another highly sexual relationship ensued, Another pregnancy. A miscarriage. L was 16 and had developed a blood cyst in her uterus. L had to go through chemotherapy at 16. Another relationship ended by patents. Again, I was responsible.

    I had to get out of this town. I joined the military and moved away.

    Years later L and I connected again. She was married. We kept in touch and fell in love again. She left her husband and came to me. She left and went back to her husband. She got pregnant in an attempt to save her marriage. It didn't work. She left her husband, again. She showed up on my doorstep with an 8 month old daughter. I took her in. We married and I became a husband and a father.

    I'm gonna jump ahead summarize somewhat.

    L and I had a son together, and we were a family of four. L cheated on me, with a married guy who wife was pregnant. I found out and put an end to it by confronting the guy and threatening to tell his wife. I found out later she cheated with another guy as revenge thing. I found out later, again, that she had also been with two other men, both friends of mine, once with both at the same time. One of them continued to see L, it was the other friend that came clean and told me the day I transferred out.

    I decided to stay with her, I could not be without my children.

    Years later L had another affair. This time with one of my own brothers. It almost killed me. I almost killed me. I ended up being escorted by the MPs to the hospital to see a psychiatrist. I was mediated. I was analyzed.

    more to follow...
    wyccad responded:
    L and I worked through it. Stay together for the kids, right? Anyway, I retired from the military. L met another guy and left with him. I kept the kids.

    I tried to end it. Ambien and Zoloft...lots. Ended up in the ER. Again, I was medicated and analyzed

    After L left, I searched for and found C again. I reached out to her, This time she answered.

    It turned out the C had not had an time of things either.

    Remember that abortion I mentioned earlier? C was more than 3 months pregnant at the time and the doctor initially would not agree to do the abortion. But her mother hounded the doctor until he agreed and did it in his private office.

    After an injection, he induced labor and the fetus was delivered. C's mom instructed the doctor to put the fetus in a jar and leave it at C's bedside for her to find when she awoke from the procedure.

    This haunted her for the rest of her life. She became and addict. Drugs and alcohol. She married and addict, They had a daughter. She left him. Years later she married and had more children, two sons.

    This is where I found her. She was in therapy. M-F. AA meetings, psychiatrist, group therapy. She was in the process of closing the chapter on the loss of our baby, and I arrived in time to assist in the closure and letting go.

    L and I divorced.

    C and I kept in touch and fell in love again.

    Meanwhile, L's current love interest turned out to be a con man, a thief and a liar. He started to beat her, and I rode in on my white horse and saved her. L came back home because I was leaving the country for a month and I thought it would be good to have her at home with our three kids. (We had a daughter together after our son)

    I continued on with C regardless. C was married so our relationship existed in texts, emails Facebook, and phone calls.

    Liz got sick, possible uterine cancer. No insurance for her. I could not be the one to tell our kids that I knew and didn't help. I remarried L. I ended the relationship with C, telling her that I did not want to be the catalyst to her marriage ending when I had been through that already.

    I lost C.

    Years later, and at least four men later, I asked L to leave. My kids are all grown now, and they know about everything that has happened.

    I truly understand the heartbreak you feel. I am a broken man, and I do not know that I will ever be whole again. I often don't even care.

    I miss C with all my heart and soul.

    My life is a meaningless blur. I wake up, I work, I eat, I sleep, then repeat it again everyday, day after day.

    My kids are my life, and with the exception of my son who will leave soon to finish his senior year in college, they have all grown and moved on.

    I live in a 3000 square foot home, my son and I. Often I am alone in it, but soon I will be alone in it. I dread that day.

    As Tom Hanks said in Cast Away:

    "I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day, my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back in Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

    Do not lose hope. If I can endure all that I have, then you must do the same and find it within yourself to do these things, if not for yourself. then for your children. For if they lose you, then what happens to them?

    I am here, and I feel for you. Be strong.

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