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self realization
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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I think Im in the midst of a serious depressive relapse. I thought I was doing awesome for a while, I think Ive been in denial.

I have been mad at my fiance, and started accusing him of not loving me, cause I had talked to my dad and a few people, he had been really distant with me for a while always going fishing and leaving me at home. I was feeling lonely. I guess all I had to say was please spend more time with me, but I let ideas manifest in my head, and I kept my feelings to myself, and let them grow into something ugly. I said alot of mean things to my fiance about how I was feeling, that I felt unattractive and unloved, and unwanted, and lonesome, and wondered if he was just settling for me cause hes getting older and tired of chasing women.... because he wasnt having sex with me.

Well we talked about it, and he doesnt wanna have sex with me, because Ive been mean to him, and glaring at him when he pursues me. I was too, I was so annoyed with him, just mad. Not really doing it on purpose but holding all this concern in and letting it grow turned me into a mean wifey.

I was just sobbing into his chest while he hugged me I was shivering and just so upset, when I realized it was all me, it was all in my head, this poor man loves me to death and Im telling him Im unhappy when he works his butt off. I told him I really need to see my doctor and try some new medicine, but that I am afraid to go alone, and please please come with me. Its hard for him to take time off work, I have fridays off, he doesnt. I would hate to make him take a day off work to come to my therapist with me. I am worried I will not make the most of the visit. Its expensive, and time off work loses us money, and I am hoping he will be able to help me come up with examples of my emotions and what Ive been going through from an outside perspective but then I dont know how involved he would actually be at my appointment. I am always making excuses not to see my therapist, even though I know I should go.

He also told me he loves hunting because as a child growing up it kept him out of trouble, and he wants to teach his son to be the same way, he hopes that instead of a bunch of dumb kids tempting him to break the law hell want to go fishing instead. and thats what I love about him, is that he is a very good man.

But I am feeling self hate, I dont feel like I am as good of a person as he is. I have done alot of bad things... I have done drugs, I have been in fist fights, I have gotten drunker then drunk and slept with boys I have no business even talking to, just a bunch of smooth criminal delinquents. Ive put on a hoodie and parked down the street and run into my ex boyfriends house unannounced and gave him a bloody nose with brass knuckles, because he cheated on me. Yeah I thought I was some kind of a gangster or something when I was 19. I was a violent person....

My fiance told me its okay I am young I am supposed to have experiences, and do crazy things.... I still felt like a bad person, and whats funny is before I met my fiance I didnt see anything wrong with my drinking and my smoking and my lifestyle. But now I do, I feel like I regret all of my choices.

I know my Zoloft must not be working, cause I can not sleep,even with my ambien rx its not working anymore! I wake up during the night have trouble falling asleep in the first place. I have constant anxiety, and it really pisses me off she wont offer me any xanax to help with my crippling anxiety... Quitting cigarettes is hard enough with out fighting this anxiety. I have asthma, so the anxiety, smoking cessation, plus bad air from the inversion, I cant hardly breathe lately.... I need to exercise and get in shape sure itd make me feel better, but I cant freaking breathe.

Im so frustrated with my life at this moment.
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wantshappy responded:
hey, I just wanted to let you know that you just put all my feelings into words, The self hate and the worthlessness, I'm sorry I can't offer anything good to say, as I'm just beginning my battle and can't seem to formulate properly how I feel. But thank you, Stay strong


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