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    beachmama38 posted:
    looking for supporters? I'm married with kids still at home and in a marriage that has absolutly no communication or understanding of how i feel or need.
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    socalmsg responded:
    hi beach,i have been part of another web md community for about 9 months, but am new to this community. i applaud your efforts of reaching out like you did with that short post. i hope also to find some support and understanding from other members in this group. i am sorry to hear of the lack of communication and compassionate understanding in your marriage. how long have you been married? is he open to couseling? does he also realize there is a communication problem? i hope things improve for you soon
     
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    beachmama38 replied to socalmsg's response:
    I've been married for 8 years, and yes we tried counseling. About 4 years ago my son had said to me that I looked depressed so I took it very hard and found a therapist. I went to her for about 6 months by myself, which helped me work through things, but then she wanted me to bring him in on it. when I told him I was going to therapy i think he was sort of shocked. During these sessions she really got into his head and asked questions (of course) and come to find out that my depression is coming from him, and not all just me. after awhile he felt like he was being bashed by me and the female therapist, so we went to a man, and in those sessions it all came down to the same thing she was telling him. when the doc finally released us, or basically said there was nothing more he could do to save us, he basically gave my husband the tools to use. I don't want you to get the wrong idea of my husband he's not an arrogant, jerk. But the problem with him is I can tell him (or the therapists have told him) what he is doing by not communicating with me,or not truley understanding what im saying, and he says" I know" but doesn't follow through. He was a big mommas boy and she forgave him for everything, and of course thats what us moms do, except me, I will forgive but then also teach what is acceptable. Things have been like this for the last 5 years, I do not have a career and moved out of state for his job over 8 years ago and quit my job of 11 years and encouraged him to go to college, and he did and through all of the tough times I have stood by him and encouraged him to not quit and he will be soon graduating. As for me I got nothing... i keep thinking of what is going to happen when my last child graduates, if we have no communication now.
     
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    SuzianStar replied to beachmama38's response:
    Hi - I read your post and it reminds me about how as women we are so inclined to live for others, do for others, deny ourselves. I don't know why, but it seems like we tend to do this. I read how you have sacrificed so much for him, supported him, and now you can see where you may end up with nothing after all of this help and support you've given. I see the same thing in myself. I think this kind of thing leads to feelings of despair and depression. I recently had a nice conversation with my cousin. She has been working an alanon program for many years. Talking with he got me thinking about attending some alanon meetings. I'm sharing this with you because something about your post makes me think about that program. I went many years ago and found it so helpful. I wonder if there might be something there for you? maybe look up online to see if there are meetings near to you can check a few out - quietly - for yourself. I think as women we need to do MORE for ourselves. Maybe we need to get a wee bit more selfish for healthy reasons. Living for everyone else all the time, helping everyone else while we neglect our own needs and then we wonder why our gas tank is on empty and we feel so spent, worn out, tears over flowing. Not sure if this will be helpful, or not. But I felt compelled to share. And, thank you for sharing. I'm trying to rebuild my own life. I feel depleated and totally spent. I'm trying to find my center, my strength. Maybe we women need to put more focus on ourselves at least some of the time. We deserve our own love too....right?
    Warmest Regards,
    Suzian
     
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    itmatsb replied to beachmama38's response:
    Hi Beachmama,
    It sounds like it may be time to start working on your life, as far as a career or even college. Why not? Maybe it will be more feasible while you are still married. But if not, why stay with your husband? Do you really think that children are more happy living in an unhappy home? They are not. You've hit all the main points. Take care of yourself.
     
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    beachmama38 replied to itmatsb's response:
    Trust me I have looked into going to college, but the cost is outrages and with the bills that we are going to owe when hes done is ridiculous! He makes good money now and when I tried for financial aid it was only gonna give me 200.00 buks towards it. I don't want to be strapped with bills, bills , bills! I have kids that haven't been on vaca but once and that was 7 years ago. my kids are 20, 16, and 8. I know I am doing the motherly, and wife duties but if he would just get a clue and figure out what the husband duty is I believe we would be fine.


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