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Im new and just had to talk
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semed posted:
I am writing this for the 2nd time since the system logged me out and I couldnt submit want I wanted to stay.

I want to say something original but I think everyone has accomplished this already. So Ill just state about me.

I have severe depression, fibro, diabetes, arthritis in spinal and pelvic areas, morbidly obese and feeling like Im falling apart piece by piece.

I gained 60 lbs in the last yr due to antidepressants; lost both of my dogs to old age; and now I am selling my home I have llived in for the last 19 yrs. Due to my health I cannot live alone. So I have moved into my daughters new home. I hate moving-I lose my hair due to stress, eat more and get more depressed.

With the weight gain and having limited movement and pain I have got to do something. So I am going thru PT twice a week. I missed a week and really felt bad. Even when Im doing something good, I feel guilty and get depressed.

I feel like someone has taken my oars and now Im adrift at sea. Any suggestions on what to look for in a psychiatrist/counselor. Talking helps but my family get strange when I try to talk to them so I stopped looking to them for support. I have a pdoc change every year due to my doctor granduating and becoming a dr in their own right. I started looking for a new pdoc and have an appt with an internal medicine dr. I hope this is a good move.

I kinda feel empty--with my emotions put on hold. I hear that some of us cry for no apparent reason. I live such any emotionless life that to cry will have to be the will of God. I hope he helps me soon cuz my dam is about to burst. I havent had a complete breakdown in quite awhile but I feel with all the changes in the last couple of months and having dream about my late husband (he passed when I was 34 and he was 32 from bilateral pneumonia,) is causing all the emotions to come forth. Im not sure that will be a great idea.

I have had suicidal thoughts and I can understand why a person feels this way. Icant leave this earth making my family feel guilty cuz they didnt help. besides I want to lose weight and see my grandchildren graduate college (they are 16, 10, and 7.) Everyone needs a goal so that we can ward off this ugly sadness we feel.

I dont know when I started feeling depressed. I think its been with me all my life. I have always felt depressed about my weight and gaining 60 lbs really hurts physically and mentally. I was pretty ok in jr high, a little heavy but nothing very bad, I thought I looked good. My father who binged and purged regularly just to stay between 195 and 200 lbs said that he would buy me a new wardrobe if I would lose weight. At least 20 lbs when I was 5foot 7 1/2 inches and weighed in 145 ( I shold have been about 125 to 130 lbs. My dad never complimented me. I guess that is why I started getting depressed and eating more. Now I look back and get more depressed cuz I looked good then and now I can barely walk due to my weight.

If I could give advice to people it would be to say you should always find good in others and especially in yourself. The more you hate yourself or something in your life the more it can cause depression. Im not trying to sound rude, Im just looking at part of my process and hoping no one else gets hit like this. I want to get rid of my depression (we all do) yet most times I cant think of a single reason to get up and just walk. Such a simple thing for most, but it is really depressing for those of us who cant.

I look around and ask myself why does every one look like their life is so much better. Have I been dealt the losing hand. It sure feels like it and I have to force myself to find something positive in me. It is difficult most days but I keep trying for my grandchildren. they are my hope.

I gues I have rambled enough and I hope I havent affended anyone. I havejust one more thing to say.

I hope everyone gets one great day so that the next day will hopefully be better.
Reply
 
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Ajaradom responded:
Dear Semed,

My heart goes out to you --- you've suffered much loss in a short amount of time.

I have clinical depression --- have had it most of my adult life. I do not have answers for you, but I'd like to ask you some questions to help you, and it helps me too

Have you thought about joining a support group? What about your hobbies or things you've loved in the past -- have you thought about picking those up again? I know how difficult it is to do the smallest task when you are depressed --- just picking up a piece of paper off the floor can require super human strength.

How long has it been since you sat in the sunshine? --- just sit and let the sun shine on your face. How long has it been since you wrote a thank you note or just a thinking of you letter to a friend?---- I can see you enjoy writing and expressing yourself --- Do you keep a journal?

What about volunteering? How long has it been since you laughed? --- find someone or something that makes you laugh. How long has it been since you colored in a coloring book? --- you can do this with your grand kids --- it helped me to color when I was in the hospital being treated for depression.

I know it's hard, it is so very hard --- but try, try, try --- set little goals for yourself to achieve and be proud of yourself when you achieve them --- for example: set a goal to write three notes to friends every day --- or a goal to sit in the sunshine for at least 10 min each day. Be proud of the little things you accomplish.

Never forget how precious you are --- your daughter loves you enough to invite you to come live with her

Let me know how you are doing --- I'll try to think of some more questions for you my friend

Peace my friend,

Lori
 
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diane246 responded:
hi semed,i to am new isuffer from anxiety ,depression, it started with menopause 4 years ago 6 different antidepressants and40 lbs. later im no better.i dont know what the answer is anymore. but its nice to have someone who is going through something similar .your granchildren are your inspiration!i only have one and he is my strength,if you need to talk im here.


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