I should really be here more often?
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wannatalk65 posted:
Good morning everybody from La. I have been through a lot lately and why I do not choose to share everything in my life that is virtually knocking on my butt, I don't know? I have ran in several situations that are opening my eyes and I am wondering if someone out there ether has the similar problems or has an answer for me as to what to do?
Here is my story; My fiancé is currently very happy with me despite my feeling towards her son and my own kids. The ages of our children are 19, 21, 23. I seem fit that they do what they have to do, and move out. I am 48 years now and I want "me time". The thing that holds me back the most is her son (23). She is very close to him and is always thinking of helping him, making sure he does the right thing and always brings him up in conversation. Like he is always on her mind, and unable to cut the umbilical cord. This is no way in this world that this could be normal? She had to bring him up through ugly father (3) which I was told that they were a-holes, and he has diabetes and anger management problems. Geeze, he final decided on getting himself on meds, therefore his Mom still watches him like a hawk, always wondering how he is doing, always texting him, cannot leave him to grow up on his own. I am now sitting back and watching what is going on and it is disturbing me to no end. I feel like a third wheel.
I am sorry to drop this on all of you and was wondering should I just walk away? Some days I would like and let their relationship still go on? Would I be happy to do this to the one I truly love? Every time I mention that I feel as if I am the third wheel, she gets very defensive as if she would lose her son because I wanted her to make a choice. During a disagreement she threw that in my face that she does not want a choice, and if I am looking at this differently; "I guess I already the choice?" I guess I am destined to be by myself?
Somebody please read this and tell me I am not out of my mind?
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lissmeanstrouble responded:
You can not expect her to stop talking to her son, you have an unrealistic expectation, and if thats not what you are suggesting you are not wording it right, and this is why your wife is getting angry. You are making her choose between her son and you, when she should be able to have both. You are going to have to be an adult and deal with it. You are kind of being selfish to be honest.
 
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wannatalk65 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I would like to thank you for being honest, and that is something I was also thinking about and did not put into that letter. I thought about that time and time again. How do I get rid of this selfishness? I was honestly never loved in my past from my ex wife for entirely different reasons because she just pretty said so. Thanks for the answer, I needed to hear that. Now I have to find a way of changing it?
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to wannatalk65's response:
Admitting it to yourself is probably the best thing you can do, that way you can let the feelings go.
Maybe try to get to the root issue of why you dislike the realtionship she has with her son, do you feel neglected, would you like more of her attention? Maybe you should be more supportive of her son and offer your own advice and maybe get involved, and that way youll be able to spend time with her while she spends time with her son.

This is what Ive had to compromise with my fiance, I am much younger then you, and I feel the same about his kids at time, but its not because what hes doing is wrong, its me, and my youthful wants, I want to ditch the kids and go out on the town ya know. but thats just no okay, so i buckle down and deal.
 
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wannatalk65 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
I try and help him (we) and he just looks the other way. Right from wrong, no idea. Always goes running to his mother for every little thing. This is why I am so pulled apart thinking he will never be able to stand on his own? Nor be able to handle anything without Mom stepping in. Making phones he should be making, doing things a normal person should be doing whether it maybe a girl or boy. My kids younger as you know took control of their lives for the most part. Maybe I just can't except the fact the he is like this and wondering why Mom does it all?
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to wannatalk65's response:
Awww darn I guess I can see where you are frustrated too!

You are worried he will not ever leave the nest completely.

Some kids it takes longer then others. Obviously you were a more responsible parent raising your kids you made sure they understood their roles in life. You fiance sounds as if shes been trying to protect her son from making mistakes. She needs to, let him make some mistakes. They can have a close relationship, but when it comes to business its time for him to take the reigns.

Maybe run this example from MY life past your wife and step-son and see if they might change their opinion or understand where you are coming from better.

I am a 25 year old female, I call myself pretty independent, ever since I was 16 I have taken care of myself basically. I never wanted my parents to coddle me.

I work at the hospital and there are FAR more adult MEN coming in with their mothers, and first thing that comes to mind is that poor boy isnt ever gonna get married if his mom keeps babying him. Their mother is asking questions about their penis, and medications and the son is just sitting there with his arms folded, and when I ask him a questions he cant even answer me himself his mom has to because poor guy doesnt know how to have a conversation with a woman, and I think its really unattractive. I am engaged now, but I was husband hunting a year ago, and 23 is my age range, and if I met a guy, who relied on his mother to do everything, even if he was really handsome, I wouldnt date him cause hes just like a over grown baby!

Maybe just tell her she needs to let him learn how to care for himself or he never will and leave it at that.

You might not be as selfish as I thought initially, maybe your wife is just getting offended before she can see the whole picture.