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Recurring Resistant Depression
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lauramacbrck posted:
I am now 62. Before I was 12, suffered from generalized anxiety, at 12, daily panic attacks, 47 in an abusive marriage, major depression. Initialy I was given Prozac, Buspar, Xanax, Nardil and Parnate respectively. None worked and Prozac and Nardil made me feel worse. Frustrated and hopeless I began to drink, hoping to pass out and if I was lucky would never wake up. I wound up in hospitals whose doctors chided me for my alcoholism, some being verbally abusive and some even told me that I used depression as an excuse to drink. No one wanted to get to the root of the depression. I was branded an alcoholic by doctors and family and began the unproductive traveling circus of inpatient therapy, out patient therapy and various AA meetings. The truth is I go for months without ever touching alcohol and only when the depression slams into me like a runaway train do I "take to the bottle. Over the years I have literally been on every medication from A-Z including several anti-psychotics. I have even gotten 2 DUI's on Celexa, Seroquil and Trazadone. I have had cognitive therapy, talk therapy etc. I did politely refuse Electroshock Therapy. Zoloft has been the only medication that has given me any relief, but it's efficacy wanes within approximately 2 months. I have asked the doctors if they would give me something to supplement it with. They have given me Abilify which was useless and Tegretol that elevated my liver enzyme levels. About 2 years ago my depression went away for a wonderful 10 months, then I began to spiral into the dark quicksand muck again,only for a few days at a time. In those 10 months I met and fell in love with and became engaged to a wonderful man. In late October of this year I brought him to the hospital, suffering from disorientation and extreme lethargy. We were told he was given every exclusionary test. During the 4 days he was a patient, I was preparing for Superstorm Sandy, The day before the storm hit, he was released from the hospital, no more enlightened than we were before about what had caused his condition. My 90 year old Mother who lives close by, lost power and for two days I wresteled with her in mind and body to come to my house where we had electricity. Two days later, only 5 days after he left the hospital, my fiance collapsed and died in our living room. After that I fell apart. A male guest of a neighbor ,in the guise of friendship came to my home the next day and brought in a bottle of vodka which I sadly admit I took a few drinks from. He proceded to sexually assault me, I called for help and he ran. The police took me to the hospital at the urging of another neighbor, but told me it was useless to provide with a counselor because since I was intoxicated no one would believe me. The hospital released me and the next day I was back and went into a mental health facility at my request. There again the psychiatrist berated me for my drinking, never taking my depression or the situation into account. Five weeks ago my Mother was admitted to the hospital with a critical inoperable heart problem and has been there ever since. For the last week my depression has escalated and this past Friday I drank. I no longer have medical insurance, I am afraid of the mental hospitals and believe that alcohol rehab, after so many tries is useless as are the meds I seem to be resistant to. I don't know what to do any more. Today I had a fairly decent day, but I am contantly on guard duty, trying with all my might to keep the recurring demon from invading my brain. Thank you to all who have read this very lengthy epistle.

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