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Depression? ~TRIGGER~
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raerob posted:
~TRIGGER~
Depression, yes, I have it. I always say and said, I can connect the dots, atleast most of them.
I have survived childhood sexual abuse ( My mothers dad), running away from home at the age of 16, getting out of a bad marriage and living at a womens shelter with my then 1 year old daughter for 1 month till I got on my feet. Getting back w/spouse then leaving, new relation ship to a alcoholic ( I did not know what one was then ), daughter #2, marriage tto the alcoholic, my 2nd daughter was molested at the age of 9 by father-in-law and nephew and he was 12 and I worked with authorities to try and bring the sickos down, was put through hell because of it. Found our roomate dead of self inflicted gun shot. Mother-in-law suffered with cancer and hospice, died. My Father suffered for years and died terribly then 4 months after that 1 of my sisters died suddenly. Mother was and still is an enabler to 2 brothers 43 & 49 years of age. My mother is 76. Brother is 43 has been in and out of jail the past 29 years of his life. These 2 brothers live w/my Mom and say and treat her pretty badly at times, even steeling her car for 24 hour periods, cursing at her...ugggh

Last summer brother who is 43 was living in the woods, hiding from the cops. He showed up bleeding and said he was beat by some guys with bats, so I checked him out and bandaged him up and he left. Next day cops showed up looking for him and I told them what happened when he showed up and they came to my house constantly looking for him because I was the last know place he was at. I knew where he was ( at my mothers ) I did not tell the cops, I was so terrified they would shoot him. I was trying to find a way to get him to turn hisself in ( stealing, breaking restraining order) he did not and cops kept going to my Moms too. The other brother that is 49 is a drunk. He told my Mom I called the police, which at that time I did not..My Mom verbally attacked me horribly and I snapped and called the cops, told them my bro was at her house. She left me a message and told me to go to hell and I was not her daughter. I was BROKEN like never before, now I was BROKEN, I was BROKEN to pieces. I could only cry,cry, cry for days. I felt like I lost my Dad, my sister now my mother. I went to PCP for depression and they gave me some kind of sample but it made me sick. I went back and my Dr. was out so I had to see another doctor, he told me to give it time and take them differently, he gave me more samples, at this time w/both Drs' giving samples I had over 100 pills. Well I was not feeling better and all I would do was cry, all I could feel was pain and I did not want to feel anymore. I hit bottom. I was ready to take my life. This was last July.

Now again, I am suffering w/depression, just down, crying almost every day. I have a lot on my mind and have trouble shutting it off. I am kind of isolated. Pretty much the only people I talk to is family, on the phone and it's usually news that effects me and it's beyond my control ( like the crap my brothers put my mom through) She is depressed but was one to always tell me, there is no such thing as depression. If I cut myself off from my family then I am pretty much Isolated from human communication except for here. I am so sick of feeling down. Some of this stuff I wrote happened years ago and I still let it effect me at times like it was yesterday. Depression?? PTSD?? I just need to shut it off. Monday I felt great, Mon night by 8p.m. I was exhausted, Tuesday, no energy at all, Tues afternoon emotions, crying, overwhelmed. Today, tired, crying, depressed.

Tell me, what is wrong with me??? There is so much more....I feel embarrassed in away. I am human, I am NOT a mental case...I just feel that partially broken feeling again, I am not going to harm myself Have you ever had that feeling where it's just too hard to try? Just so tired & exhausted. I feel like I could sleep but then my mind does not. It can only get better, right?
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raerob responded:
2 days ago I wrote this. Today I am feeling a little better. I call my ups and downs "My rollercoaster ride of life"

In a way I was so down, I wonder if I was feeling sorry for myself......when I wrote this. Some of it is very old history, history I thought I dealt with BUT for some reason at times I relive it and so do my feelings/emotions.

I am trying and it's a struggle. I want to be on the right track...

My husbands medical insurance is supposed to kick in, in July. He has to work 1200 hours from Aug to July in order to get insurance. Then I'll get checked from head to toe BUT in the mean time, I am going to try and get a schedule going of daily exercise and eating better or differently and drinking more water and I will start journaling ......


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