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What's wrong with my husband?
An_251577 posted:
Help. I do not know what is wrong with my husband. He was diagnosed with depression, and he has had suicidal thoughts in the past. Do people with depression get grouchy? He is mean, his social skills are horrible, he cannot keep friends. I love, support and am as patient as I can possibly be with him. He is not grateful for me, he yells at me in front of people. He gets quiet, says his life sucks. I swear I can almost see the dark cloud that comes over him, you can feel his tension, it oozes out of him. But when he is normal, he is a great guy, says he loves me. Its like he is two different people. He had even thought he had bipolar disease, but the psychiatrist said that he didn't have it. I can't tell if this guy has mental illness or is just a jerk. Any thoughts anyone, I am exhausted.
efearn2 responded:
I too am living with a depressed husband. I can completely relate when you say it feels like he is two different people. My husband would go in spurts as well, having several good days, and even good weeks, but then that 'cloud" would come over him, and he could be such an a**hole! He changed his medication recently, and he has been continuing with therapy. After he made a conscious decision to stop trying to blame something or some one for how he felt, things have gotten better. We have lots more good days, but it still makes me sad. I feel that I have to censor the things I say, which is hard for me because I want to share everything with the people I care about. I feel that if I have friends and a social life it will make him unhappy, and that is very isolating and lonely. I also feel that I cannot really talk to many people about this because I am trying to preserve his reputation. It is all very stressful, exhausting, and lonely. I am by nature an optimist. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I feel that my best friend has been taken from me, and I don't know if I really want to live with this person for the rest of my life.

I think your husband definitely needs therapy. It does help, not over night, but at least now when my husband had a bad day he is not hateful and mean to me any more. He should also get on medication. This is not a fix all, but it can help him at least level out. All the medication of course comes with side effects so you have to weigh the pros and cons.Being with someone who is depressed sucks. I'm so sorry you are going through it, but know that you are NOT alone, and try to take it one day at a time.
redbirdy3 replied to efearn2's response:
Thank you so much for sharing! I have never expressed this to anyone, I have close friends, close family, but if I were to tell them my life, they would hate him, and like you, I am trying preserve his reputation. So I keep it all to myself.
My husband usually blames me for everything. If my car is messed up, he will ask, what did you do to it? But if he so much as spills his coffee, he will practically blame his cup! He was on medication for a while, but we lost our insurance and he will not pay to see another doctor. It did help, but he was not on it long enough to really see.
I too am an optimist and I love life, thats why sometimes I think to myself what am I doing with this awful joyless person. Sometimes his depression depresses me.
Again, I thank you for your response.
itmatsb replied to redbirdy3's response:
Did your husband hide all of his terrible traits before you got married? Sometimes they do. If he refuses to get help, you must leave him. It sounds like he needs a lot of therapy as well as possibly medication. Otherwise you are just enabling the bad behavior. Stop being an optimist and be a realist. If you don't leave him, he will never get help. And you deserve much more. Find someone who treats you well. Depression is NO excuse for being a bully. I've been severely depressed and was never horrible to others.

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